The Bachelor Recap: Looking Good On Paper Not As Important as Being Ready to Woo-PAH!

On this episode, the four remaning Bachelorettes take Brad to their hometown for dates.  These episodes are always entertaining because you just never know what crazy lies behind those party dresses and swimming pool tans.  Will there be another ‘Bama room like Brooke from Birmingham, or maybe another girl from Oklahoma whose dad wants to make a point by shooting a gun?  Well, from the previews, we knew that poor Sheena’s mom was weird, and Bettina’s family was judgmental.  But let’s see the full story.  And may I just say thank you to whatever ABC Editor agreed that another shower scene was a good idea.  WHEE!!

First date: Jenni in Wichita, Kansas.

Jenni decided to take Brad to where she grew up dancing.  So with the big hoop earrings and pink backdrop, Jenni confided in Brad that she had won $50 for her first dance competition.  Between nervous giggles, Jenni shows Brad some sweet Phoenix Suns/tap dancing moves, and all of this without any music…Brad wondered whether it’s a good idea to have a long distance relationship for a year, even though he already told her it was okay, and the fact that we all know that whoever (whomever? -Office reference) he chooses will get kicked to the curb in about 6 months.  Not even Us Magazine covers the breakup anymore.

Jenni takes Brad from the cheesy stage to the family beauty parlor for dinner, I wish I was kidding.  Jenni is the home of the inappropriate grandmother.  It seems like there is always one, and this year, it’s Grandma Betty.  Brad impresses by telling them that he isn’t a drinker and reassures Grandma that he isn’t thinking of precious Jenni as a baby factory.  Right as Grandma was passing off quotes about hitting the road, Jack, I was waiting for her medley of breakup songs, and thinking it couldn’t get more uncomfortable for our hero.  I was wrong.  Mama decides to wash Brad’s hair in her salon.  No, really it happened.  I guess we should just be happy that Jenni’s mom isn’t a proctologist.  She waited until Brad was good and lathered up to ask why in the world he was still single…Yeesh.  Meanwhile, Jenni’s sister is curling her hair and asking Jenni if he’s the one.  What is it with this family and needing to be touching the other person’s head to have a serious conversation?  A little odd, but probably not the strangest thing going on in Wichita.  Jenni’s dad didn’t bother to rub Brad’s head, and he comes in with the quote for the family, after asking Brad what his goals were, Brad began to answer him – something about real estate and making money – and Dad says, “you don’t have to tell me what they are, just wanted to know if you had some goals.”  Hmmm.  What if his goal was to impregnate the four remaining women?  Wouldn’t that be a little nugget of information you’d want?  I think the listing of goals was a good idea…just saying.  Cue the drama, because Jenni has made the team.   They’ve been calling her a Phoenix Suns Dancer this whole time, so it wasn’t much of a shock, but it makes me wonder what the job would have said if she hadn’t made it…Bare-footed tapdancer/nervous giggler/headband wearer.  I don’t know, but it’s fun to speculate.  Through it all Jenni tearfully tells Brad how much he means to her, and Brad, of course wipes her tears and then kisses her.

Second Date: Sheena in Walnut Creek, California

Their date started out on the family boat.    Sheena gets kudos from the producers for figuring out how to make a bathing suit play prominently into their date.  So they all pile into the boat and go tubing.  Brad said “It could not have gone better.”  I guess riding on a nylon tube behind a boat at 70 miles an hour beats talking to the parents.  And when the conversation finally started, you could see why.  Mom immediately asked what Brad’s sign was.  That was just a preview, as the rest of Mom’s camera time was spent talking about how the stars had aligned for Brad and Sheena and how she could tell when she looked at him that he and Sheena would be together forever, and her quote,”I know (Sheena) is the one, and whether she’s your one, or somebody else’s one, she is the ONE.”  It actually made less sense when I just typed it.  Brad sat there politely trying to follow the crazy rabbit down the hole, but I could tell that he was a little worried that this woman’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the pent house.  I hadn’t seen that look on his face since the first night when the girl showed him her webbed feet…Hee!

Thank goodness Sheena came in right there to save the conversation, but then the mom only encouraged them both to go pick out the rings because “we are ready to commit” and because she already knew who the flower girl and the bridesmaids were gonna be.  Say it with me now: AWK-WARD!

Sheena pulls Brad out to the hot tub – you know – so they can look at the stars that are now lining up.  Sheena takes that opportunity to tell Brad how important her family is to her and how close she is to them.  Normally, I would think this would be a good thing, but I would bet you dollars to donuts that Sheena would have made Brad feel better in this case if she would have thanked him for being so kind to her slightly autistic mother who recently hit her head.  Weird hug in the hot tub, and as Sheena talks about how Brad is her soulmate, Brad does not go in for the kiss.

Third Date: DeAnna in Georgia

In case you didn’t know, DeAnna is Greek.  The date started with serious talk with the father.  That’s when we find out that DeAnna is not only Greek but that she lost her mother.  DeAnna brought out the photo album to introduce Brad to her mother.  I know that I make fun of all of the crap on this show, and for the most part, the dates are over-the-top, play to much to emotion serious.  But I thought DeAnna did a really cool thing there, and for once on this show it was an understated way of letting Brad get to know her.  Kudos DeAnna!  Now stop being so mean to all the other girls.  And I take the Kudos back because DeAnna and her sister retire for the sister chat where DeAnna tells her that if Brad doesn’t pick her, she’ll be crushed.  Blech.

And then Yaya and PouPou showed up (apparently those are Greek grandparents) and it was time to PARTY!!  Maybe Yaya and PouPou means hammered.  Shots of Uzzo for everyone, and it brings us to the quote of the nite from DeAnna’s family – Yaya: To your health and may you love your mother in law!  Hee Hee. Next thing you know, they’re all in a circle, yelling Woo-PAH!  I hope ABC called them all a cab.  Brad got a good nite kiss, and off he went.

Last Date: Bettina in our Nation’s Capitol

This date was marked all along with Red Flags.  From the moment we see the family, it was just uncomfortable to the nth degree.  It didn’t get better.  Start out with Brad not graduating from college, and Dad telling him that he’s a professor with a shit-eating grin.  Dad then says that he Brad is “a great disappointment.”  Then they ask Brad what he does for a living (WAA-WOH) which is followed by a joke by Brad to ease the tension that went over as well as a Michael Vick sighting at a PETA convention.  That would have been bad enough but enter the judgy step-mom who says she isn’t happy that Bettina is hooked up with some bar-owning cowboy who probably worships the devil and gives out apples with razor blades at Halloween.  I am not even exaggerating that much.  After the fifth consecutive question about his business, Brad says that he feels judged.  Really?  It was even uncomfortable down to the little things like Brad offering to help and the stepmom sending him back out with “Yeah, clear the table!  Everything, just clear it!”

Then Dad tells us all what we have thought might be the case all along.  He liked the first husband.  Bettina’s not going to find anyone better and he doesn’t agree with her going on this show.  Hmmm…But Mr. Perfect isn’t here anymore.  He probably found religion and is off in the Sahara Desert coming up with a way to grow food without water and reading to the blind in his spare time, but the fact is, he ain’t here now.  Dad needs to settle down.  And while he’s out there berating his daughter, Brad is left to face the two moms who are accusing him of stringing people along.  Even the dog was barking at Brad.  Geez.  I am starting to get antsy and I’m sitting here on my couch.  I need a drink…

And I am glad I got one after having to watch the conversation between Brad and Bettina that followed the family dinner.  There they were sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Monument and Brad worrying about being judged and Bettina using the excuse that “she doesn’t look that good on paper either.”  And when he was sitting on those steps, I think Brad hatched a plan.

3 Roses, 1 girl out, and Sheena will be leaving us this evening.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, and maybe Brad doesn’t watch the show to know what goes on when the girls get down to 3, but the next round is overnight dates.  I think at this point it’s a two-woman race between Jenni and DeAnna.  I think Sheena and Bettina were dead women walking after these dates.  And so he can only let one go.  Sheena treated him respectfully, she impressed his brother, and she wrote Brad one of the worst poems ever to be written in the English language.  But it isn’t there.  He should cut her loose.

Bettina is crazy, she is divorced, and her family was filled with ass holes.  Why not keep ol’ Bettina around so that her dad can see his little girl “forego” her individual room to “stay as a couple in the fantasy suite?”  How better to stick it to the old man with his diplomas on the walls and all holier than thou?  I am not saying they have to do anything.  I doubt many of the women do (maybe I’m just naive), but 100% of the time the girl goes up there, and the door clicks with the “Do Not Disturb.”  So if that was Brad’s plan, I say more power to him because those people were ASSES!

I would mess with Sheena more about crying if she didn’t just seem so doggone innocent and vulnerable out there crying into Brad’s shoulder.  She really did get blindsided by all of this, and I want to give her credit for keeping it together until she got outside.  And I won’t say anything else about it…

I would rather look forward to next week, and the forego cards, and the Cabo San Lucas and Brad without his shirt on!! Oh yes, Brad without his shirt on.

Confirmed: The Hills, not Magical, just Staged…

After posting about this a few days ago, we got confirmation today that The Hills is not as real as MTV wants us to believe.  No, as much as you love your LC, Spencer, Heidi, Brody, Whitney, Audrina, Justin Bobby, and ESPECIALLY Lo, they are a lot of staged situations.  I don’t know what to believe anymore…The best part is that I don’t care.  Still gonna watch, “Feel the Rain on Your Skin..” I am gonna hold out hope that Lo is totally real all the time.  I’ll just keep telling myself this.

Because they Aren’t Just Richer than You, They’re MAGICAL!!

I just finished watching the latest episode of The Hills.  And I am about to make a lot of fun of this show, so before I do, let me just give a couple of quick disclaimers.  First, I absolutely love this show.  It is always a show I watch and continue to watch for the 3700 other re-runs they put on after its original showing on Monday night.  Secondly, this show remains in my favorites because of the absolute comedy that arises from nowhere.  Its beauty is in its details.  For instance, where would we be without Lo dropping little gems like, “I love to judge people” or if Audrina didn’t date a guy whose name was Justin, but who goes by Bobby?  No explanation as to where the Bobby part came from or anything.  He just looked at Lauren and Lo as though it should just be understood and accepted – like gravity.  Amazing.  I love this show because you don’t have to take it too seriously, nor should you.  These are a group of 20 and 21 year-old kids, whose parents are footing the bill while they run around L.A. having barbecues at the beach and drinking at Les Deux.

But it is supposed to be a “reality” show no matter how skewed this reality is.  Part of the beauty is the fantasy, the nice cars, and the fact that though these people are in college, at a time in life where most of us ate Ramen Noodles, sought out dollar beer night, and celebrated finding a 20 in our jeans while Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Brody, and Speidi do whatever they want with seemingly no thought about the money.  Fine.

But what is with the shoddy editing?  Seriously, Spencer’s magical beard?  One minute, he’s got the wolfman scruff and he’s arguing with Heidi about dinner plans, the next second, he’s in the car all baby-faced and looking like Beavis, and in the next scene, he’s got scruff again.  Then, what about Brody and his “cast” this year?  In the Las Vegas episode, there was no cast – you know what I’m talking about, that claw thing on his hand from where Lauren broke his finger at one of his many barbecues.  In Vegas, it was gone.  This week the claw was back, then gone completely, then there was some sort of wrist brace, and then back to no aparatus on his hand by the end of the episode…I don’t get it.

So instead of believing the good people of The Hills are messing with me, I am choosing to believe that they are magical.  It’s really the only way I can see continuing to live my life.  Feel free to make your own choices.

On a related note, how much fun is it to see Heidi and Spencer fight?  Heidi’s “I’ll be at work, why don’t you try it?” was just an amazing moment for me.  I didn’t know she had it in her.  Seriously, Spencer, get a job.  Getting denied over and over because your girl has a “job” which involves long hours at clubs and holding a clipboard could free you up to do other things.  Not like hang out with your friends because you screwed all of them over.  But you could get a pet, or start collecting stamps, or something.  Just stop showing up – all creepy and unshaven at odd times during the day.  It doesn’t make you look cool.

And if I may make a plea for more Lo please.  She cracks me up.  That is all for now.  I love this show – magical or not, real or fake.  I heart The Hills. 

The Bachelor Recap: Hillary Breaks Down like a Ford Tempo In Rush Hour

Let’s get to it – Blah Blah Recap of the last episodes…This week, Chris (whilst wearing a really, REALLY ugly shirt) tells the Bachelorettes that there were 2 one on one dates and a group date.  No roses for anyone on these dates, just good times.  Bettina (the divorcee) gets the first one on one.  Whee!

 

Can Bettina relax?  According to Brad, this is the key to whether or not she will be kissed.  Meanwhile, a lot of the girls are gonna go on the group date, and Sheena will get the other solo.  Good for her.  DeAnna tried to be okay with it as she read it off the datebox card.  We all recognize that she had bad thoughts when she read the card…Come on, kids.

 

Meanwhile, in this the Season of the Bachelor, sponsored by Paxil, Bettina is in a boat with Brad and fighting off tears.  What is it with the tears?!?!  Everyone cries this year.  What is it?  Ladies, do you go out on a date with a guy you really like and then just cry?  Does ABC just chop onions?  Why, oh why, do we constantly get crying girls when they get around this guy?  Should he be on Heroes as the crying man?  Is this too many questions in a row?  Note to Bettina: Just have fun and show him that you like him.  Do NOT cry and make it a great big Debbie Downer Date.

 

Brad’s “house” for the pool party.  The quote on house is because Brad clearly does not live here.  Blech.  Brad wanted a pool party because he’s laid back.  And what is more laid back than having 5 scantily clad women over to your house for liquor and good times  a slip and slide headed into the pool?  So there they all are.

 

Meanwhile Kristy won’t swim.  You know, she really was a one-trick pony that Kristy.  She asked to see his tongue on the first night and didn’t pull out any personality after that.  Last week she stayed around because she cried.  Bye, Kristy.  How are you gonna go on the Bachelor and refuse to swim?  Does she not know that this is a show which is based on hot tubs and yachts and beach dates and countless other ways to get the men and women into their bathing suits?  The only person who doesn’t have to bring his swim trunks is our beloved host, Chris Harrison.  And for that, ABC, let me just thank you on behalf of the viewing public.  Can’t you just see ol’ Chris climbing into the hot tub with his champagne flute and trying to sit between two of the girls and while high fiving the Bachelor?  I think that Prince Lorenzo would have liked that…

 

Back at the pool, Hillary who will later have the most dramatic breakdown in Bachelor history according to Chris, Hillary has decided to give the LONGEST bleeped out explanation I’ve seen on television since The Osbourns went off the air.  What was bleeped?  Oh, just 30 seconds of sexual positions she would like to try with Brad.  It made me throw up a little, and I could not even tell what she said.  Hillary has a little bit of the “crazy eyes” and I think Brad saw that while she was floating alongside him on the float, talking about the amazing chemistry she feels and telling him how she knows what they have is different and more special than anything he may have with any of the other girls.  I kept waiting from the theme music from Nightmare on Elm Street, didn’t you?  But Brad tried to handle it nicely- telling her maybe they are too good of friends for that to be “chemistry.”  Hillary apparently had water in her ears, though, because she just kept prattling on about how much they had in common and the attraction and how they could be best friends and lovers and parents of children and … This is when Brad pretended to drown and look jealous of Kristy.

 

After reviving himself, Brad and DeAnna snuck off for some alone time.   DeAnna didn’t get the kiss on her solo time because there were three other girls watching, and she’s just not like that.  Brad said he liked her because she was stronger than most women he was around.  I think that’s code for “bitch” but Brad doesn’t seem to mind and he has liked her since he first saw her.  Since having the other women watch cramps his style, Brad stole Jenni away to a different area, where the prying eyes couldn’t follow and Brad could make out with the girl whose looking like a shoo in to take home the promise ring.  Red flag, people!  Whoever is made out to be the favorite early, goes home in that first limo on the finale, crying and slinging snot and talking about how she thought what they had was real.  How could she have been so blind?  Etc.  Anyway, today Jenni and Brad make out in the hammock.  Upstairs with the other girls, Hillary is crying because she didn’t get to make out with the Bachelor…Please Hillary.  You are a psycho.  Forget it, I don’t speak Crazy and you clearly don’t understand English.

 

Next up was the final date of the evening.  Sheena (Princess of Power!) and her one on one with Brad.  Brad was excited because he  knew that Chad liked Sheena and he wanted to get to know her better.  So for their date Brad planted little “surprises” along the way.  However, the biggest surprise was ol’ Sheena heading down the stairs on her behind after tripping.  Both she and Brad handled it perfectly, though.  She laughed at herself and he didn’t laugh as much as he wanted to…The date, which was dinner amongst a lot of balloons went well, and Sheena got the kiss that she was wanting.  But only after Brad gave her a pair of diamond earrings that she got to keep.  How cool is that?  And raise your hand if those puppies end up on eBay in the near future.  Me too.

 

Back at the House, Sheena tells the otherladies about her amazing date.  I don’t know why she would do that but it did end up working out because Bettina complained that her date didn’t sound as cool as Sheena’s.  Wow.  Of course at the rose ceremony Bettina said that she was only joking.  Uuuhhh okay.

 

To the Rose ceremony.  Brad, sweetie, you may be the “Sexiest Bachelor Ever”, but you wear some really bad ties.  At the rose ceremony, was it a test to see who really cared about you to wear the skinny-striped number.  Because that was a bad moment for you.  But that wasn’t the biggest mistake that was made in the Rose Ceremony.

 

Sometimes, in reality television, there comes a moment where you just want to throw things at the television and scream for the person to quit.  Last night, we had just such an occasion when Sheena decided to read Brad a Sheena Original Poem.  And it goes a little something like this:

 

            I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm

           The patch of blonde hair on your ears your goals, and most of all your charm.

            It’s weird that I just met you and I don’t know if we’re meant to be. 

           I do know every time you leave, it’s you I want to see.           

          So Cheers to the sweetest guy I know, and the journey yet to come  

          I hope I get to stick around cause I know we’d have lots of fun. 

Being the gallant gentleman that he is, Brad asked to keep the poem and instead of insulting her writing.  I hope it’s to burn and not show his friends later, but there ya go.  I think it says something when your new lady friend “compliments you” on the line of moles on your arm and your ear hair.  I don’t know what it says, but there’s a definite problem there, maybe.  I don’t know.

 

DeAnna takes Brad out by themselves and she rights the wrong of the other day by getting some private makeout time with the Bachelor.  Good for her.  Bettina tells Brad that she thought their date was perfect, which made me wonder what a bad date with Bettina looks like.  Brad must really feel NOTHING for Hillary because he and Bettina looked so stiff together, that it was a little awkward to watch.  And then she tells him that now she knows that she wants to kiss him and she wants his hands on her….Wha?  That sounded odd just coming out of her mouth.  She said that she’s comfortable and she tells him that she feels something deeper than what she’s ever felt.

 

But even with Brad’s fugly tie, and Sheena reading that god-awful poem and Bettina using phrases like “Hands on me” the biggest idiot of the evening award goes to Hillary.  First, she dressed as though she was supposed to be Cinderella at Disney World – way more formal, hair up, looking about 15 years older than she is.  Still not the bad part.  Then Brad tried to prepare her for the fact that she wasn’t going to get a rose, using all of the polite ways to tell a girl (or guy for that matter) that you’re better off as friends.  Those phrases include “good talks, I love those,” “such a good friend,” “something a little different,” and “you holding up okay?”  Then Hillary says she feels the same way that he does, at which point poor Brad thought he was in the clear.  You could tell in that split second he was SOOOO very relieved.   Unfortunately, Hillary followed that with terms like “so much chemistry,” and “lover” and “husband.”  That is when I am pretty sure our old friend Chris Harrison handed Brad a barf bag, because the relief was gone and he was looking pretty pale and nauseous.  Then Hillary went and did an interview where she says she can tell that he feels something for her and that she wore the white Cinderella dress because she wants him to think of how beautiful she would look in her wedding dress.  Yeesh.  Hide your head in a pillow awful.  Leave the room and pour yourself a strong drink awful.  Taking a screwdriver to your eardrums, well you get it.  Sheena’s poem was embarrassing for me to watch but watching Hillary go through all of that was just absolutely painful.

 

It was pretty easy to tell that Kristy and Hillary were getting the boot. I mean Brad knows that when a girl doesn’t like you enough to go down a slip and slide, it’s pretty much over.  As for Hillary, Brad basically did everything short of driving her to the airport before the rose ceremony.   And it ain’t like Hillary was the first girl to get kicked off who was utterly psycho.  But man, the complete breakdown outside to the camera where she couldn’t breathe was awful.  So bad that Brad asked Bettina to hold his champagne while he went outside and hugged Hillary.  Wow.  The whole scene couldn’t have been worse for Hillary.  She should move somewhere with no reality television and no chance of syndication of this hour-long trip into the annals of reality television breakdown history.  She was talking about how she couldn’t breathe, but I think that’s because her dress was 6 sizes too small kinda like the Grinch’s heart at the beginning of the movie.    Then she told Brad how much she was falling for him and that she couldn’t believe she was going home without him in her arms.  Did she forget there were cameras?  I wouldn’t have that scene outside of a local Chili’s much less on ABC.  Wow Hillary.   And as Brad and his chosen four toast, Hillary was still outside bawling about the make-believe family date there would have been had Brad not thought she was such a good friend. 

 

Next week- Brad meets the four families.  It promises to be a rocking good time.

  

Wade Robson Rocks My Face Off!!

Okay, I will admit to watching Dancing With the Stars.  It isn’t necessarily must-see television, but I’ll leave it on while I am cooking dinner or working on other stuff.  That being said, when I heard Wade Robson was going to dance on the show, I was extremely excited.  Check out this little ditty and see if you aren’t absolutely amazed. 

I mean, come on people!  I have been thoroughly impressed with his work, and when you consider all he has done and he is only 25!  He is the best choreographer they have on So You Think You Can Dance, he has performed with Michael Jackson, and he also inspired Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me a River, following a supposed tryst between Wade and Britney (that’s pre-KFed Britney).  Granted, he had that failed dance show on MTV, and he tends to copy everything Justin Timberlake does.  But give the guy his due.  He can flat-out dance and choreograph his ass off!

The Bachelor Recap: Tear-Wiping, Tire-Kicking, and Slut/Liars

After last week’s switcharoo, I figured there might be a letdown this week.  Sure, they promised us a two girls, one rose showdown between Deanna and Jade, but I mean after you have the heretofore unknown identical twin brother come in and pose as the Bachelor, you only get letdowns after that.  Does that mean I didn’t tune in this week, remote in hand, ready to rewind and catch all the embarrassing moments twice?  Don’t fool yourself.  I was in!

So to recap, there were three girls that hit the road last week.  Solisa the stripper being one.  However, there was the return of the pity rose as a crying Hilary got a rose right before they jumped back on the plane to the OC.  This week there were three dates: a one-on-one with Jenni, the aformentioned two girl date with Deanna and Jade, and then the rest of the girls got to go to an improv class with the Bachelor.  So let’s get to it, shall we?

Jenni got the one-on-one date box first.  After last week’s Hilary debacle, I think Brad probably took one of the producer’s children hostage and demanded some Cheetos, a drink that didn’t have alcohol in it, and some alone time with a girl who wasn’t likely to stab him in the neck while he slept.  As soon as Jade announced that Jenni got the date, the girls immediately retired to their individual interviews to make veiled insults or bitchy remarks about her.  Of course, if I can give Jenni a word of advice here, while in a room with the 8 other girls dating your boyfriend, don’t fall out into the floor with celebration when you get the solo date.  I know this isn’t something they usually go over in finishing school as it’s a strange situation in which to find yourself, but I’ve watched this show long enough to know that celebrating only leads to the other girls doing mean things to you like switching out your fat free Ranch dressing to the Original Ranch and telling Brad that you are only into him for his money.

Jenni and Brad’s date consisted of him picking her up in a helicopter and flying her to dinner on a rooftop.  I loved the helicopter.  All of the girls had to watch Jenni and Brad hanging all over each other while the wind created by the propellors messed their hair up and caused their skirts to fly up.  It made me miss Solisa.  Anyway, Brad and Jenni are whisked off in the helicopter.  Brad came dressed as Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice, or as Chandler on the Thanksgiving flashback episode where he gets his little toe chopped off.  You can decide.  Either way, it was a mistake.  Jenni wore a green dress that my brother’s girlfriend said looked like something that Audrina from the Hills would wear.  So apparently, it was Halloween in a helicopter.  All the girls noticed that the two of them hugged a little too long, and that their attraction for each other was undeniable.  I agree.  That Jenni would be one to watch, if they hadn’t put her out in the front from the very beginning.  Now I think she’ll do something crazy or her dad will physically threaten Brad and he will cut her.  Otherwise, they would make Jenni look like she had no chance.

After they left, Hillary (she of the pity rose) cried on Jade’s shoulder about how she felt like her boyfriend was cheating on her.  Again, Hillary is crying.  She is gonna strain a tear duct or something I swear.  In the course of her crying jag, she worries that Jenni is such a sexual person, or a closet freak…I don’t know.  Cut to Jenni and Brad sitting pretty much on top of each other in the helicopter.  Not much new happened on this date.  The two of them stared at each other adoringly and got along perfectly.  They cuddled on the couch, he gave her the rose, and then they made out.  Jenni’s interview was giggly and could have been annoying if you didn’t come away thinking that she really did like him…it was cute. 

And back at the house, McCarten and Deanna were shown bullying the other ladies in the house.  Deanna, who was one of the girls I thought could win it, really came off like a HUGE BITCH this episode.  She and Jade had an argument and of course the stage was set for the two of them to go on the elimidate later in the show.

The next date was the group date, which looked like adults going through an R-rated preschool class.  They called improv – whatever.  Of course, Hilary wanted to show that her emotional spectrum was more than just crying.  She can also be a crazy, silly girl.  She stole the show.   Bettina also told Brad she loved him for the first time.  It was just like in the movies – you know, in Titanic, when Rose told Jack she loved him for the first time, using a party hat as a megaphone?  You don’t?  You need to check the deleted scenes on your Collector’s Edition DVD.  Kristy made a really lame joke about her name being Sugar and she needed some spice (Crickets!) Which made Kristy cry.  She wants to show him that she can have fun and be crazy.  So since she couldn’t make anyone laugh, she cried, I guess.  Strategy?  Well, it did get her one on one time – it did NOT get her the date rose. Bettina got the rose.  Not because she loved him, but because she fought through her shyness to participate.  Then she cried in her interview.  Gees, people!

Then Jade and Deanna go to Brad’s house for a barbecue date.  Poor Jade still had not gotten the tangles out of her hair since the helicopter ride apparently.  It looked pretty bad.  They hate each other, and rather than Brad getting to know either of them well, Deanna shifted into one upper mode.  Jade:  I started working at 16.  Deanna:  I have been working since 14.  Jade:  I would move to Austin, I would love that.  Deanna:  I would move myself by carrying my dresser on my back.  Jade just got intimidated by DeAnna’s answers and didn’t say much.  After the one on one time, Brad kicks ol’ Jade to the curb. Jade cried as he told her goodbye and Brad wiped her tears.  That brings his tear-wiping count to at least 3 (Kristy, Jade and Hillary) in the season.  If this whole bar thing doesn’t work out, then he can get a job at Kleenex.   So Brad and DeAnna celebrate the breakup by hopping into the hot tub and making out.  See ya!  DeAnna stays in, but she has shown herself to be a mean girl this episode and while she’s still a fave to take home the promise ring, she moved down a couple notches for me. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are all saying that they would say yes to a proposal by Brad today – you know, after knowing him for 5 days – they are ready to spend forever with him.  Of course, Bettina isn’t so sure, having been divorced before.  This upsets Hillary, who compares Bettina and her divorce to being a used car that needs its tires kicked.  I don’t understand the metaphor either.

Back at the rose ceremony, DeAnna is saying catty things to the girls and then smelling her rose deliberately in their faces.  Brad reveals that Jenni was his first kiss on the show and that meant that she must be a slut and a liar, at least according to Bettina, but that could just be because someone has been kicking her tires all day and she has a headache.  Hillary thinks she is still in the running, but she stared at the camera with her crazy eyes and says that as long as she’s the last one he kisses, she is fine.  Sheena cries on the couch and told Brad that she was so moved to meet his brother in the dramatic switch-a-roo.  Sheena could be a dark horse.  She seems genuine, she keeps getting a rose and we don’t see much of her.  Hmmm.  Tracking.  Meanwhile Jenni handles the interrogation about her kiss from the other girls well, and even sneaks away to get some more kisses.  The two of them look like a couple who actually date where the other girls look like the awkward couples at a fraternity-sorority mixer.  More crying from McCarten, who is tired of sharing her man with others. 

Chris comes in with his champagne flute of death, signaling the end of the road for some of the girls.  DeAnna, Bettina and Jenni already had their roses and they were joined by Kristy the Kryer, Sheena the shy, and (Cue Virtual Chris Harrison: “Readers, this is the final rose of the episode ) Tire-Kicking Hillary. 

Stephy blamed the wall around her heart for not getting a rose.  McCarten mourned the loss of hers and Brad’s theoretical children.  DeAnna just twirls her rose and shoots McCarten the middle finger (Okay, I may have made that part up).

The previews promise Bettina being psycho, Sheena falling down, and Hillary having to leave the show in some sort of panic attack.  WHAT!?!? I have to wait a week?  Wow… Until next week.  This is Emma Brand, off to kick tires and belittle others.

Spencer Pratt: Walking unintentional Comedy

I just wanted to take a moment this afternoon to salute one of the people that gets me through my workday, simply by opening his mouth and talking into a dictaphone held by a low-level reporter.  Spencer Pratt, self-proclaimed “villain” on The Hills gave this interview to Radar magazine.  It hits just about everything.  Lame picture at the top of the page? Check.  Does he refer to himself in the third person?  Yep.  Does he take himself entirely too seriously?  I would say that saying that the show you’re on serves the purpose of taking people’s minds off Iraq would qualify.  Did he try out a lame catchphrase?  Let’s see – he said that his “fiancee” Heidi “sings like a mousketeer on steroids.”  I am going to start using that one.  Does he have completely unrealistic goals in life that he wishes to share with us?  Ummm.  Spencer wants to be in politics.  At least be governor and president if possible.  Oh yes.

And those were just the highlights of the interview.  Please go read this little gem yourself.  And don’t say I never did anything for you.

The Office Quoteability: Launch Party

This episode was solid.  I loved that Angela was back to being her bitchy self that makes her so funny, and that Phyllis was googling ways to handle her.  I enjoyed that this episode utilized most of the cast (even though I missed Creed).  From Meredith asking Jim to sign her cast, to Pam and Jim back to pranking Dwight to Andy serenading Angela with his harmony brought to him by speaker phone.  Of course, I thought that the kidnapping plot twist was a little too much.  But overall, it was great.  I am really looking forward to Dwight and Andy going back to being mortal enemies next week as they fight over Angela.

Without further delay, this week’s Ten Best Quotes (with an Honorable Mention tacked on):

1. It’s like eating a hot circle of garbage.  -Kevin 

2. It appears that the website has become alive.  This happens to computers and robots sometimes.  Am I scared of a stupid computer?  Please.  The computer should be scared of me.  I have been salesman of the month at this company for 13 out of the last 12 months.  You heard me right.  I did so well last February, that Corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise. -Dwight K. Schrute

3. While you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything.  And mastered the violin.   Oh, and sold more paper. -Jim Halpert as the Computer

4. Okay, Wow!  Easy boosterseat.  Nobody cares about this party anyway. – Michael Scott 

5. I’ve been working on a party for 3 weeks that just got thrown out the window, so now I have to pull together a whole new party.  And my worthless number 2 quit so now there is no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing made of ice.  And my upper back itches and it has itched all day and I can’t reach it.  And Kevin had Greek food for lunch again. -Angela 

6. Plan a party, Angela.  Oh, and the entire world will see it.  Oh, and here’s $65 for your budget.  Oh, and here’s four idiots who will do nothing but slow you down.  Oh, and your cat’s still dead. – Angela 

7. You know what this is like?  I’ll tell you what this is like.  It’s like when the freshmen would throw a party and they wouldn’t let the seniors come.  -Michael Scott

8. They say you should never mix business with pleasure.  Really? Then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company works. – Andy Bernard 
9. Tie goes to the girlfriend. -Pam Beesley

10. Phyllis, these are spoons.  Spoons have rounded tops and are used to scoop things.  What we need are forks which have prongs, or tiny spears on top.  And we need knives which have blades.  Do you understand me now?  Goodie. -Angela

HONORABLE MENTION:

• How do you tell someone it’s over?  You send them a notarized letter, right?  But what if the recipient is your notary? -Angela

• You looking for dinner and a movie because you’re not gonna find it in that box. -Andy Bernard

• Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.  It’s very complicated.  It’s caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who are already both prone to unpleasantness. – Pam Beesley

• No! No! I’m an adult.  I don’t have to think or do anything! -Michael Scott

• Hey I just think you should know that one of my salesman beat your computer!  So take that, Asshole! -Michael Scott

ANTM: Smarty Smurf and a Whoopsy Daisy

The episode starts with Victoria telling us how much smarter she is than all of us, while also telling the other girls that their dream of being “America’s Next Top Model” was stupid, becuase it wasn’t her dream until a couple of weeks ago.  I was starting to get mad because if all of the stupid girls in America are made aware of this, then how am I going to be able to sit at my house on a random Wednesday and say snarky things about them?  Shut up, Victoria!  But all of my anger quickly melted away because this was THE MAKEOVER EPISODE!!!  My favorite episode every season (I refuse to call these cycles, Tyra, I am not your monkey!) because the girls become Tyra’s own life-size Barbie Dolls.  She can take a girl who has always had long, black hair and cut her hair to look like Brigitte Nielson in Rocky IV.  She can shave women bald.  She will take a hippie girl and try to make her glam.  And you can bet that if there is a girl there who fancies herself the next Tyra, Tyra will make that girl pay, with horrible hair extensions, or a mohawk Mr. T would be proud of. Oh, and one more thing…if you don’t agree with Tyra’s infinite wisdom?  You are an ungrateful so and so who will see the business end of a Tyra Banks hissy fit…I could watch that woman get mad every day.  Watch that clip carefully, and you can almost see them flipping cue cards for Ms. Tyra…Hee!  I love this show.

So anyway, back to the episode: Makeovers, cat fights, Tyra at her most powerful.  Each year, a must-see episode. This year, the girls went to the Ken Paves salon (He and Jessica Simpson are BFF, so he is good enough for Tyra, even though she is uber-preachy this year).  There are some key phrases that these quasi-models should be aware of, and one in particular – if Tyra ever says you “have a strong face”  just get ready, because they are pulling out the hedge clippers, cutting your hair either all the way off or into something fugly, and you are gonna suffer for the rest of the show.  “Strong face” is code for “I am jealous of you and your youth and you must pay in inches of hair…Live with it, because if you complain, you are ungrateful and I will sick Ms. Jay on you with a flash of hair weave, sarcastic attitude and probably a spike heel.”  The first two girls out of the box tonight had strong faces – one went bald and the other made Julia Roberts’ Tinkerbell hair cut from Steel Magnolias look like a good decision.  This season will always be known as the year that Tyra took a lot of girls to bald and gave several of them some very unfortunate bangs…yeesh.  Uh oh, no Tyra, I am not ungrateful, No I’m sorry!  No Not Ms. Jay!  Get away from me with that decorative umbrella!! Aaaahhhh!!

I am back, and I would just like to say that all the girls look gorgeous.  I didn’t necessarily enjoy seeing how they got there.  I don’t think I will ever get over seeing them pulling the wig off of Ebony’s head, and the strain of having to do so against the RUBBER CEMENT that was holding it on…that must be uncomfortable…Ow, oh, sweet fancy Moses!  That has to hurt.  At the end of all of that, they sewed a wig into her head…Again! OUCH!!!  Bianca was supposed to go blonde, but because of the flourescent pink, Kelly Osbourn hair color she bought off the internet, they were worried that all of her hair would fall out.  So how do they prevent that from happening?  They shaved her head…Now you know there is a model pulling the strings on this show.  I don’t want her to go bald, so I am going to shave her bald.  Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?  They make it up to her by giving her some great wigs to wear at the shoots.  And during her moment of emotional distress, while  she was ready to take the clippers away from the hair dresser and slit her wrists, Ms. Jay stood over her calling himself Dr. Teardroplets, and generally making a joke out of it. Ha!  That made me laugh a little.  In her wig she ended up looking like Brandy (Prior to Brandy getting accused of murder and all). 

The challenge this week is for the girls to do their own makeup (by Cover Girl, nothing like a little product placement), and then do a photo shoot.  So, Nigel, whose wife apparently is a makeup artist (you could do better Nigel!  Call or text me you English fancy boy!), tells them to create a dramatic eye and a fancy lip or some such.  Then the girls get like 11 seconds to do their makeup.  The ensuing chaos with twelve 18 and 19 year-old aspiring models all around one mirror trying to impress judges – that is my own personal hell.  Just watching it put my teeth on edge.  Sarah won, and the judges thought her dramatic winged eye was a big risk.  I think someone just hit her elbow when she was putting on her eyeliner.  Happy mistake!

The photo shoot this week involved the girls becoming various flowers.  I guess this is a continuation of Tyra’s new au naturel movement.  I don’t know.  Either way, the result was that they looked like porn-y Anne Geddes picture.  Favorite critique from the Jay who realizes he has a penis has to be when he told Ambreal that she was beautiful, but her weakness was her face.  Heh heh.  And also, a word to Chantal:  Hard to feel sorry for you when you are crying whilst dressed like a calla-lilly.  I’m just saying.  She looked more like a Whoopsy-Daisy at that point.

Irony of the night:  the slightly autistic girl had to be “weeds.”  I will just let that speak for itself.

At Judges’ Table, Victoria, a.k.a. Smarty Smurf, came after Twiggy for the 3rd week in a row.  I like Smarty, I think it’s fun to watch her be an intelligent, curious, inquisitive person when she is forced onto a shoot where she has to dress up like a cactus.  I mean, that’s weird.  Question it, give us entertaining interviews, but please don’t snipe at Twiggy, it will only get you killed off the show.  Then we’ll be left with a sobbing Chantal for 38 minutes of the 43-minute show.  Don’t leave me Victoria!

The rest of the judging was pretty status quo.  Tyra posing for the girls to prove what she thinks is superiority.  Tyra doing impressions of the girls, whatever.  The bottom two were Victoria and Saleisha.  And Victoria hits the road.  I guess now she can put on that t-shirt and head on back to the library.  Tyra told her to quit her backtalk, and it’s like you could see Victoria just figuring out a business plan for buying out Tyra’s Bankable Productions and making her sweep gutters or something.  Bye Smarty Smurf.  I will miss you.

The Bachelor: Pity Roses, Tears, and the Switcharoo!!

All right!  The Bachelor is back for ninety minutes, and tonight’s episode is the one where Brad, Chad, and the crafty producers of this show decide to pull the ol’ switcharoo…This is gonna be great!  On a related note, people, please do not name your twins rhyming names.  It’s just not good for anyone.

First, a couple of thoughts:  I was happy that Brad didn’t automatically keep the clumsy girl who fell down the stairs.  I don’t know that any of the other former Bachelors were gutsy enough to do that, and so I applaud you, Brad.  However, I don’t think any of us would have thought Brad less gallant for cutting Solisa who got so-drunk, so-nude, and so-crazy.  Oh well, we can’t all bat 1.000, can we?

First group date is the circus.  The circus date included a lot of participation on the part of the women and Brad, and they even got to play with the clowns and do fun tricks like walk the tight rope (which was about 5 inches off the ground), and watch Brad wear a really fancy coat complete with sequins.  Jenni even did a round off, back handspring, back tuck, just like at a high school pep rally.  During their one on one time, Brad and Jenni relive their kiss, and she tells him how important her dance career is to her.  I can tell that ol’ Brad is really loving him some Jenni. 

Steffy took her one on one time to tell Brad how much she loved her dad and this soliloquy was complete with tears.  Get used to the tears because that will become a theme of this episode.  Scoff if you want but she ended up getting the rose from this date because “she really put herself out there.”

As for the show, the ladies and Brad are introduced to the crowd, where Brad (“the sexiest bachelor yet”) introduces the actual Ring Master.  You could tell he had prepared a speech…Hahaha.  And that is when Brad - who has seemed the most normal guy, a good guy, a guy you would want to date, and even just hang out with – that’s when he made a reference to Titanic, because getting introduced at the Barnum and Bailey Circus made him feel like the King of the World…A couple more tool comments like that and his rankings could plummet.

McCarten is pulled out of the show, and she compares her relationship with Brad to the tight rope walk.  She has learned so much on this date…Wow.

Next Date Box: “Silly Hillary,” the nurse who wants to take Brad’s vitals gets the one on one.  All the other girls at the house immediately begin the eye-rolling and back-stabbing.  Wanna know how mad at least one of them was?  She did Hillary’s hair – poorly.  Hillary looked like a girl who wandered in from a White Snake video.  The dress they provided her was just one big black sequin, and they topped it off with some very expensive, borrowed jewelry that I can honestly say was the biggest waste of diamonds since J.Lo’s engagement rings.  Of course, before the Bachelor got there to present the jewelry, Chris Harrison gathered all the other girls to sit on the couch and watch. 

My theory is that Chris has many un-aired duties when it comes to this show.  We all see some of them:  Recapping what has happened thus far voice over at the beginning of every show.  The tink-tink-tink on his champagne flute to get the Bachelor out of the clutches of the girls at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  Taking us to commercial break by promising us that some women will continue on while others will end up alone, childless, and only have cats for friends.  And would anyone else know when there was only one rose left if Chris didn’t step in and inform them, “Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose this evening.”  But there is more to Chris’ role I think.  For instance, the gathering of the girls on the couch, or getting the borrowed jewelry off the neck of the lucky woman who got to borrow it for the 3 1/2 hour date, and who do you think shops for all the trinkets the girls go crazy over in the “date boxes”?  Oh, I think it’s one Mr. Chris Harrison.  Oh, yes.

Anyway, Hillary’s date.  Or as I like to call it, what would have happened in Pretty Woman if Richard Gere had picked up Kit instead of Vivian.  Of course, the date itself was straight out of the movie, private plane, borrowed jewelry, a night on the town, etc.  Only instead of relaxing and enjoying themselves over dinner, Hillary cried the whole time.  She would give up the jewelry if she could just fall “Crazy in Love.”  I kept waiting on Beyonce to come flying into the room in a gold dress.  After dinner, Brad continued in his role as “Hillary’s Tear-Wiper” as she continued to cry about how much she wanted to fall in love with him.  Of course, the girls at the house are all talking about how they hope Brad kicks Hillary and her jewelry to the curb on their date because more roses for them…Who says that they can’t do math?  As we return to what is quickly turning into a Kleenex commercial, Brad is handing her the rose.  Definitely a pity rose, but it made me wonder whether he would have had to ride back on the same plane with her after he dumped her…Maybe it was just him trying to avoid another uncomfortable situation.

Back at the house, the final date box arrived, and each of the girls going acted surprised when her name was called.  Really?  There are three dates total, 2 of which have already taken place.  So if you haven’t been on one - this date box (which was lovingly put together by Chris Harrison’s own two hands) – is for you.  The note just says “Come sail away with Me – Brad.  It was now that my brother’s girlfriend pointed out that for two weeks in a row, Solisa the stripper has been on a date where bathing suits play an integral part.  I bet Chris Harrison picks who goes on which dates too.  Good television, Chris.  Keep up the good work!

So they hopped aboard a pirate ship for a day of fun, liquor, and the rest of the girls.  Kristy is steering the boat during her alone time and it reminded me of the “Booze Cruise” episode of The Office where Dwight is out on the front of the boat steering with a fake wheel.  But I digress.  Kristy obviously impressed Brad because she eventually gets the rose from the date.

 But not before Solisa gave Brad a lap dance.  That girl just puts it right out there, doesn’t she?  I bet the congregation at her church has put her on permanent prayer list status, don’t you think?  Sheena took a different tact: possible disfigurement by Sea-Doo.  They even got pulled over by the Coast Guard.  And ol’ Bettina finally managed to get up the courage to tell Brad about her divorce.  She was afraid of how he would take it since Brad “doesn’t believe in divorce.”  Who does “believe in divorce?”  Maybe at Solisa’s church.

Back at the house, Hillary asks the rest of the girls which ones didn’t want her to come back (y’know, by a show of hands).  Of course, the two girls that dared raise their hands and tell her the truth, she calls “Straight up witches.”  What answer did she expect?

And now the Switcharoo!!  Whee!  So the plan is for Chad, the brother, to attend the cocktail party as Brad.  Brad is hoping that Chad can help him out and tell him which of the girls is genuine.  Brad is also hoping that the girls notice that it’s not him in the party.  You know why?  Because the two of them look remarkably different.  Sure, they tried to make them look more alike – their hair is combed the same way, Brad tells his brother little tidbits about the ladies, and of course Chris Harrison dressed them in matching suits and ties, but I don’t think Chad spends nearly as much time in the gym as his brother does, and there are all kinds of differences that you can spot.  But, let’s face it, the ladies in the house are not rocket scientists – they are acupuncutrists and estheticians and Phoenix Suns Dancers, so I could see where you could get away with it.  And on this show, you could put a suit on a monkey and these girls would fight over a rose.

I would like to go on the record that I thouroughly enjoyed the switcharoo twist.  But Chad was on the show for about the last half hour, and in that time, there were a couple of staged conversations that just killed me.  The worst offender had to be the one where they were having a beer, and Brad posed the idea of Chad being him for the cocktail party as if Chad didn’t know what he was there to do…Please!  You showed up at the house dressed in the exact same outfit as your brother!  It just lets you know how stupid ABC must think we are…Stop setting up these conversations and show me more crazy girls!!  That’s why we tune in…Phew.  I feel better.

So the cocktail party was Chad running the gauntlet of ladies who have been placed around the house, I would guess so that the camera crew could tell him the girl’s name before he got there.  The first few didn’t know it was an imposter.  McCarten and Lindsey had no clue.   Sheena was the first one to notice and said that Chad didn’t have the weird patch of hair on his ear…Points for noticing it wasn’t Brad.  Points off for telling me more about Brad’s hair patterns that I ever wanted to know.  Also points off for crying…more damn crying.  Kristy also nailed it right off the bat.  Steffy could tell by the teeth, or she was really drunk…she wasn’t sure.  Sarah had no clue, other than to say that her alone time today was “different.”  Ya think?  Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I saw Jenni the whole cocktail party…why was that?

Anyway, onto the rose ceremony.  The 3 ladies who went home weren’t hard to see coming necessarily.  Sheena, McCarten, Jenni, Jade, DeAnna, and Bettina joined Steffy, Kristy, and Hillary as the proud owners of thorny flowers.  Lindsey, Sarah, and So-Long Solisa hit the road this episode.  Solisa cried, saying that she wears her special parts on the outside and he just didn’t see what he wanted.  Note to Solisa: Your “special parts” aren’t supposed to be on the outside, please put your top back on.

Lindsey tells the camera she wasn’t gonna cry.  And then she walked off camera to cry.  Hmmm.  She then did the rest of the interview from the side, whilst crying.  Next week: one on one showdown between Jade and DeAnna.  Only one can get the rose.  The claws come out, and it promises to be some excellent reality television.  WHEEE!!