Let’s get to it – Blah Blah Recap of the last episodes…This week, Chris (whilst wearing a really, REALLY ugly shirt) tells the Bachelorettes that there were 2 one on one dates and a group date. No roses for anyone on these dates, just good times. Bettina (the divorcee) gets the first one on one. Whee!
Can Bettina relax? According to Brad, this is the key to whether or not she will be kissed. Meanwhile, a lot of the girls are gonna go on the group date, and Sheena will get the other solo. Good for her. DeAnna tried to be okay with it as she read it off the datebox card. We all recognize that she had bad thoughts when she read the card…Come on, kids.
Meanwhile, in this the Season of the Bachelor, sponsored by Paxil, Bettina is in a boat with Brad and fighting off tears. What is it with the tears?!?! Everyone cries this year. What is it? Ladies, do you go out on a date with a guy you really like and then just cry? Does ABC just chop onions? Why, oh why, do we constantly get crying girls when they get around this guy? Should he be on Heroes as the crying man? Is this too many questions in a row? Note to Bettina: Just have fun and show him that you like him. Do NOT cry and make it a great big Debbie Downer Date.
Brad’s “house” for the pool party. The quote on house is because Brad clearly does not live here. Blech. Brad wanted a pool party because he’s laid back. And what is more laid back than having 5 scantily clad women over to your house for liquor and good times a slip and slide headed into the pool? So there they all are.
Meanwhile Kristy won’t swim. You know, she really was a one-trick pony that Kristy. She asked to see his tongue on the first night and didn’t pull out any personality after that. Last week she stayed around because she cried. Bye, Kristy. How are you gonna go on the Bachelor and refuse to swim? Does she not know that this is a show which is based on hot tubs and yachts and beach dates and countless other ways to get the men and women into their bathing suits? The only person who doesn’t have to bring his swim trunks is our beloved host, Chris Harrison. And for that, ABC, let me just thank you on behalf of the viewing public. Can’t you just see ol’ Chris climbing into the hot tub with his champagne flute and trying to sit between two of the girls and while high fiving the Bachelor? I think that Prince Lorenzo would have liked that…
Back at the pool, Hillary who will later have the most dramatic breakdown in Bachelor history according to Chris, Hillary has decided to give the LONGEST bleeped out explanation I’ve seen on television since The Osbourns went off the air. What was bleeped? Oh, just 30 seconds of sexual positions she would like to try with Brad. It made me throw up a little, and I could not even tell what she said. Hillary has a little bit of the “crazy eyes” and I think Brad saw that while she was floating alongside him on the float, talking about the amazing chemistry she feels and telling him how she knows what they have is different and more special than anything he may have with any of the other girls. I kept waiting from the theme music from Nightmare on Elm Street, didn’t you? But Brad tried to handle it nicely- telling her maybe they are too good of friends for that to be “chemistry.” Hillary apparently had water in her ears, though, because she just kept prattling on about how much they had in common and the attraction and how they could be best friends and lovers and parents of children and … This is when Brad pretended to drown and look jealous of Kristy.
After reviving himself, Brad and DeAnna snuck off for some alone time. DeAnna didn’t get the kiss on her solo time because there were three other girls watching, and she’s just not like that. Brad said he liked her because she was stronger than most women he was around. I think that’s code for “bitch” but Brad doesn’t seem to mind and he has liked her since he first saw her. Since having the other women watch cramps his style, Brad stole Jenni away to a different area, where the prying eyes couldn’t follow and Brad could make out with the girl whose looking like a shoo in to take home the promise ring. Red flag, people! Whoever is made out to be the favorite early, goes home in that first limo on the finale, crying and slinging snot and talking about how she thought what they had was real. How could she have been so blind? Etc. Anyway, today Jenni and Brad make out in the hammock. Upstairs with the other girls, Hillary is crying because she didn’t get to make out with the Bachelor…Please Hillary. You are a psycho. Forget it, I don’t speak Crazy and you clearly don’t understand English.
Next up was the final date of the evening. Sheena (Princess of Power!) and her one on one with Brad. Brad was excited because he knew that Chad liked Sheena and he wanted to get to know her better. So for their date Brad planted little “surprises” along the way. However, the biggest surprise was ol’ Sheena heading down the stairs on her behind after tripping. Both she and Brad handled it perfectly, though. She laughed at herself and he didn’t laugh as much as he wanted to…The date, which was dinner amongst a lot of balloons went well, and Sheena got the kiss that she was wanting. But only after Brad gave her a pair of diamond earrings that she got to keep. How cool is that? And raise your hand if those puppies end up on eBay in the near future. Me too.
Back at the House, Sheena tells the otherladies about her amazing date. I don’t know why she would do that but it did end up working out because Bettina complained that her date didn’t sound as cool as Sheena’s. Wow. Of course at the rose ceremony Bettina said that she was only joking. Uuuhhh okay.
To the Rose ceremony. Brad, sweetie, you may be the “Sexiest Bachelor Ever”, but you wear some really bad ties. At the rose ceremony, was it a test to see who really cared about you to wear the skinny-striped number. Because that was a bad moment for you. But that wasn’t the biggest mistake that was made in the Rose Ceremony.
Sometimes, in reality television, there comes a moment where you just want to throw things at the television and scream for the person to quit. Last night, we had just such an occasion when Sheena decided to read Brad a Sheena Original Poem. And it goes a little something like this:
I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm
The patch of blonde hair on your ears your goals, and most of all your charm.
It’s weird that I just met you and I don’t know if we’re meant to be.
I do know every time you leave, it’s you I want to see.
So Cheers to the sweetest guy I know, and the journey yet to come
I hope I get to stick around cause I know we’d have lots of fun.
Being the gallant gentleman that he is, Brad asked to keep the poem and instead of insulting her writing. I hope it’s to burn and not show his friends later, but there ya go. I think it says something when your new lady friend “compliments you” on the line of moles on your arm and your ear hair. I don’t know what it says, but there’s a definite problem there, maybe. I don’t know.
DeAnna takes Brad out by themselves and she rights the wrong of the other day by getting some private makeout time with the Bachelor. Good for her. Bettina tells Brad that she thought their date was perfect, which made me wonder what a bad date with Bettina looks like. Brad must really feel NOTHING for Hillary because he and Bettina looked so stiff together, that it was a little awkward to watch. And then she tells him that now she knows that she wants to kiss him and she wants his hands on her….Wha? That sounded odd just coming out of her mouth. She said that she’s comfortable and she tells him that she feels something deeper than what she’s ever felt.
But even with Brad’s fugly tie, and Sheena reading that god-awful poem and Bettina using phrases like “Hands on me” the biggest idiot of the evening award goes to Hillary. First, she dressed as though she was supposed to be Cinderella at Disney World – way more formal, hair up, looking about 15 years older than she is. Still not the bad part. Then Brad tried to prepare her for the fact that she wasn’t going to get a rose, using all of the polite ways to tell a girl (or guy for that matter) that you’re better off as friends. Those phrases include “good talks, I love those,” “such a good friend,” “something a little different,” and “you holding up okay?” Then Hillary says she feels the same way that he does, at which point poor Brad thought he was in the clear. You could tell in that split second he was SOOOO very relieved. Unfortunately, Hillary followed that with terms like “so much chemistry,” and “lover” and “husband.” That is when I am pretty sure our old friend Chris Harrison handed Brad a barf bag, because the relief was gone and he was looking pretty pale and nauseous. Then Hillary went and did an interview where she says she can tell that he feels something for her and that she wore the white Cinderella dress because she wants him to think of how beautiful she would look in her wedding dress. Yeesh. Hide your head in a pillow awful. Leave the room and pour yourself a strong drink awful. Taking a screwdriver to your eardrums, well you get it. Sheena’s poem was embarrassing for me to watch but watching Hillary go through all of that was just absolutely painful.
It was pretty easy to tell that Kristy and Hillary were getting the boot. I mean Brad knows that when a girl doesn’t like you enough to go down a slip and slide, it’s pretty much over. As for Hillary, Brad basically did everything short of driving her to the airport before the rose ceremony. And it ain’t like Hillary was the first girl to get kicked off who was utterly psycho. But man, the complete breakdown outside to the camera where she couldn’t breathe was awful. So bad that Brad asked Bettina to hold his champagne while he went outside and hugged Hillary. Wow. The whole scene couldn’t have been worse for Hillary. She should move somewhere with no reality television and no chance of syndication of this hour-long trip into the annals of reality television breakdown history. She was talking about how she couldn’t breathe, but I think that’s because her dress was 6 sizes too small kinda like the Grinch’s heart at the beginning of the movie. Then she told Brad how much she was falling for him and that she couldn’t believe she was going home without him in her arms. Did she forget there were cameras? I wouldn’t have that scene outside of a local Chili’s much less on ABC. Wow Hillary. And as Brad and his chosen four toast, Hillary was still outside bawling about the make-believe family date there would have been had Brad not thought she was such a good friend.
Next week- Brad meets the four families. It promises to be a rocking good time.
