The Bachelor Recap: The Forego Card

Nothing can make this blogger’s heart sing like these three words: Exotic Overnight Dates.  If you missed last week, “the sexiest bachelor ever” sent Sheena home and kept Bettina, Jenni, and DeAnna in the running for whose breakup gets to be covered by OK! Magazine.  Again, as I said last week, I think that this is a two woman race between DeAnna and Jenni, and Brad wanted the satisfaction of knowing that Bettina’s overly judgmental father was choking on his sauvignon blanc when that bar-owner shut the door to the fantasy suite with nothing but his daughter and a 6-pack of Trojans behind it.

Of course, as soon as I got excited about it, I noticed that we were given only 45 minutes to enjoy the episode because of that new Samantha Who? show that ABC has decided we should all like.  Not biting, ABC!  Give me my full hour at least.  I am pretty sure that this lack of time is why we didn’t get a shower scene this week. We also got no Chris Harrison (WHAT??!) I know, he just did the voice over.  Anyway, to Cabo San Lucas we go…

 First Date: Jenni to Swim with the Dolphins

Brad starts out by saying he was excited to spend the entire day and ENTIRE NIGHT with Jenni.  And thus begins both Jenni and Brad each saying that the whole day was foreplay before they “do it” that night without actually saying it.  Of the three, Jenni definitely got the coolest date.  You should also remember that the only successful couple in this show’s history, Trista and Ryan, got to go swimming with the dolphins…and they just became parents.  I am just saying.  Favorite quote of this date has to be from Jenni, who explained that what she loved was that “It was just so personal, I mean, it was just me and Brad.”  Now, I am gonna give Jenni the benefit of the doubt and say that her quote was shortened up and it used to say, “It was just me and Brad.  And the dolphins.  And the dolphin trainers.  And the camera crew.”  But somehow I doubt that’s the case.  I think it says something when you think your date is private and there are actually 600 other people present.  Could it be love?  Let’s see.

Post – dolphin glass of wine included the conversation about what Jenni really wanted to happen between the two of them, and she said that she was hard-put to really say how she was feeling.  It gave Brad doubt. (Okay, sure.)  Retire to the romantical dinner for two.

Quick aside: This is always the dinner where the Bachelor(ette) always has to pull what I call the “forego” card, which is where the two of them are given the option of staying at the same room by the airport motel they’ve been staying in by themselves, or they can hit up the penthouse suite.  Every time the card is worded the same – Dear (insert couple’s name):  I hope that you are enjoying your stay at (insert descriptive adjective and place where they are).  Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in our exotic fantasy suite.  Love, Chris – and every time except for the rarest of circumstances does the couple choose the Radisson by the Southwest Ticket Counter.  The true humor lies in the fact that every single person who has ever been on this show after the first season knows that card is coming, but for some unfathomable reason always tries to act surprised when the card makes its appearance.  Please.  You know it’s coming, you know you’re gonna hit up the suite, so please don’t treat the viewing public as mouth-breathing idiots who don’t know what’s fixing to happen…

Okay.  Sorry.  Cue romantical date for two for Jenni and Brad.  Brad continues the wink-wink interviewing by saying there’s nothing he would like more than to continue his date with Jenni to the room to “get to know her in that way.”    Jenni tells Brad that it’s hard for her to tell him how she feels, but “it’s much easier for me to show it.”  Hee.  And then Jenni made Bachelor History.  No, really.  She didn’t play the game where she acts like she doesn’t know what’s coming.  And after promising the Bachelor she’ll show him how she feels, Jenni straight up asks for the Forego card.  Didn’t wait for him to present it over dinner or folded into a dinner roll, or through some sort of magic trick.  She simply said that she knew he had it on him and to give it.  Thank you, Jenni.  In the words of the immortal Bette Middler, “Did you ever know that you’re my hero?”  Amazing.  And they cut to Jenni explaining the birds and the bees of hooking up.  I won’t bore you with the details but the speech starts with, “When a man and a woman are very attracted to one another…”  Yeah.  So they make out and then Brad shuts the door.  What?  This isn’t Skinemax, people. 

Date Two: Bettina for a Day on the High Seas

Brad tells Bettina that this is no ordinary boat, it was used in the America’s Cup Race.  That’s when Bettina’s hamster wheel in her head started turning and she was trying to figure out what exactly the America’s Cup Race is.  They even got to open up the main sail.  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of champagne.  Bettina talks about how attracted she is to Brad, and you can almost see her dad taking his heart pill and calling the ex-husband to offer him money to come back.  Meanwhile, Bettina and Brad are walking hand in hand on Lover’s Beach while Bettina continues to profess her attraction.  Still no on-camera kissing…which should be a red flag.

Romantic dinner for two: Bettina says that her family only judged Brad because they thought he didn’t like her as much as Bettina liked him…Well, they should have just sent Brad a note after appetizers asking him to check “Yes” or “No.”  It’s simple, really.  Brad tries to make Bettina say that she wouldn’t leave her hometown to move to Austin and hang out at his bars for a living.  She doesn’t give him the easy way out and says she absolutely would. 

Not following the example set by Jenni, Bettina acted surprised at the Forego card.  She says yes and they go get in the hot tub…Brad exacts the revenge he wants as there is a make-out scene in the hot tub complete with several cut-away shots and the Do Not Disturb sign on the door.  Lesson for future fathers on this show: If your daughter reaches the final four, don’t piss him off, or you will be facing the business end of a revenge hook-up.

Date Three: DeAnna for some dunebuggy racing.

Here would be my thoughts if I was DeAnna – So Jenni swims with the dolphins, and Bettina takes a boat trip that ends on Lover’s Beach.  They both get to spend the majority of their dates with you having your shirt off and lookin’ all sexy.  Then my date is going to be us taking separate cars around a sand track where you not only wear your shirt, but you also sport some goggles?  No thank you.  But give that Southern girl some credit.  She took it like a champ and even kicked Brad’s ass on the dune buggy.  Good for her.

And they did get 10 seconds of beach time that was filmed…DeAnna tries to explain how normal couples do spend the nite together, wake up together, etc. and she was looking forward to that with Brad.  Southern Baptists everywhere just put DeAnna on their prayer lists.  At dinner, DeAnna drops the “I’m falling in love with you” card.  Wow.  Brad made out with her and then told her she was perfect.  Cue the forego card.  DeAnna didn’t act surprised like Bettina but still read the note aloud before accepting.

This fantasy suite included a swimming pool.  Brad interviewed about DeAnna using the words like touching, and soulmate, and love…Red flag.  They would edit that out if it was really DeAnna who won.  However, they’ve also showed Jenni as the front runner from day one, which has never won.  I just am stumped.  Dammit, ABC Editors!

Anyway, you know what happens next.  Bettina hits the road, in a blue ’80s prom dress, and the showdown is set between Jenni, the Phoenix Suns Dancer, and DeAnna the Southern Belle who tells it like it is.  The only thing worthy of more commentary is that I hope that whichever of the two of them he picks tells him that the Don Johnson on Miami Vice suit has GOT TO GO!! Seriously, Brad, you are better than that.

Next week- Women Tell All…How will Hillary explain her meltdown?  Will Sheena cry some more?  Whee!