ANTM: Smarty Smurf and a Whoopsy Daisy

The episode starts with Victoria telling us how much smarter she is than all of us, while also telling the other girls that their dream of being “America’s Next Top Model” was stupid, becuase it wasn’t her dream until a couple of weeks ago.  I was starting to get mad because if all of the stupid girls in America are made aware of this, then how am I going to be able to sit at my house on a random Wednesday and say snarky things about them?  Shut up, Victoria!  But all of my anger quickly melted away because this was THE MAKEOVER EPISODE!!!  My favorite episode every season (I refuse to call these cycles, Tyra, I am not your monkey!) because the girls become Tyra’s own life-size Barbie Dolls.  She can take a girl who has always had long, black hair and cut her hair to look like Brigitte Nielson in Rocky IV.  She can shave women bald.  She will take a hippie girl and try to make her glam.  And you can bet that if there is a girl there who fancies herself the next Tyra, Tyra will make that girl pay, with horrible hair extensions, or a mohawk Mr. T would be proud of. Oh, and one more thing…if you don’t agree with Tyra’s infinite wisdom?  You are an ungrateful so and so who will see the business end of a Tyra Banks hissy fit…I could watch that woman get mad every day.  Watch that clip carefully, and you can almost see them flipping cue cards for Ms. Tyra…Hee!  I love this show.

So anyway, back to the episode: Makeovers, cat fights, Tyra at her most powerful.  Each year, a must-see episode. This year, the girls went to the Ken Paves salon (He and Jessica Simpson are BFF, so he is good enough for Tyra, even though she is uber-preachy this year).  There are some key phrases that these quasi-models should be aware of, and one in particular – if Tyra ever says you “have a strong face”  just get ready, because they are pulling out the hedge clippers, cutting your hair either all the way off or into something fugly, and you are gonna suffer for the rest of the show.  “Strong face” is code for “I am jealous of you and your youth and you must pay in inches of hair…Live with it, because if you complain, you are ungrateful and I will sick Ms. Jay on you with a flash of hair weave, sarcastic attitude and probably a spike heel.”  The first two girls out of the box tonight had strong faces – one went bald and the other made Julia Roberts’ Tinkerbell hair cut from Steel Magnolias look like a good decision.  This season will always be known as the year that Tyra took a lot of girls to bald and gave several of them some very unfortunate bangs…yeesh.  Uh oh, no Tyra, I am not ungrateful, No I’m sorry!  No Not Ms. Jay!  Get away from me with that decorative umbrella!! Aaaahhhh!!

I am back, and I would just like to say that all the girls look gorgeous.  I didn’t necessarily enjoy seeing how they got there.  I don’t think I will ever get over seeing them pulling the wig off of Ebony’s head, and the strain of having to do so against the RUBBER CEMENT that was holding it on…that must be uncomfortable…Ow, oh, sweet fancy Moses!  That has to hurt.  At the end of all of that, they sewed a wig into her head…Again! OUCH!!!  Bianca was supposed to go blonde, but because of the flourescent pink, Kelly Osbourn hair color she bought off the internet, they were worried that all of her hair would fall out.  So how do they prevent that from happening?  They shaved her head…Now you know there is a model pulling the strings on this show.  I don’t want her to go bald, so I am going to shave her bald.  Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?  They make it up to her by giving her some great wigs to wear at the shoots.  And during her moment of emotional distress, while  she was ready to take the clippers away from the hair dresser and slit her wrists, Ms. Jay stood over her calling himself Dr. Teardroplets, and generally making a joke out of it. Ha!  That made me laugh a little.  In her wig she ended up looking like Brandy (Prior to Brandy getting accused of murder and all). 

The challenge this week is for the girls to do their own makeup (by Cover Girl, nothing like a little product placement), and then do a photo shoot.  So, Nigel, whose wife apparently is a makeup artist (you could do better Nigel!  Call or text me you English fancy boy!), tells them to create a dramatic eye and a fancy lip or some such.  Then the girls get like 11 seconds to do their makeup.  The ensuing chaos with twelve 18 and 19 year-old aspiring models all around one mirror trying to impress judges – that is my own personal hell.  Just watching it put my teeth on edge.  Sarah won, and the judges thought her dramatic winged eye was a big risk.  I think someone just hit her elbow when she was putting on her eyeliner.  Happy mistake!

The photo shoot this week involved the girls becoming various flowers.  I guess this is a continuation of Tyra’s new au naturel movement.  I don’t know.  Either way, the result was that they looked like porn-y Anne Geddes picture.  Favorite critique from the Jay who realizes he has a penis has to be when he told Ambreal that she was beautiful, but her weakness was her face.  Heh heh.  And also, a word to Chantal:  Hard to feel sorry for you when you are crying whilst dressed like a calla-lilly.  I’m just saying.  She looked more like a Whoopsy-Daisy at that point.

Irony of the night:  the slightly autistic girl had to be “weeds.”  I will just let that speak for itself.

At Judges’ Table, Victoria, a.k.a. Smarty Smurf, came after Twiggy for the 3rd week in a row.  I like Smarty, I think it’s fun to watch her be an intelligent, curious, inquisitive person when she is forced onto a shoot where she has to dress up like a cactus.  I mean, that’s weird.  Question it, give us entertaining interviews, but please don’t snipe at Twiggy, it will only get you killed off the show.  Then we’ll be left with a sobbing Chantal for 38 minutes of the 43-minute show.  Don’t leave me Victoria!

The rest of the judging was pretty status quo.  Tyra posing for the girls to prove what she thinks is superiority.  Tyra doing impressions of the girls, whatever.  The bottom two were Victoria and Saleisha.  And Victoria hits the road.  I guess now she can put on that t-shirt and head on back to the library.  Tyra told her to quit her backtalk, and it’s like you could see Victoria just figuring out a business plan for buying out Tyra’s Bankable Productions and making her sweep gutters or something.  Bye Smarty Smurf.  I will miss you.

ANTM: But can you walk in a straight jacket and climb a rock in high heels?

I realize that in the ninth season of a reality show, it could become difficult to find ways to keep a show fresh and original.  This season, apparently, Tyra decided that she wanted to color this show preachy.  So last week, she announced that not only was the show was going “green” to be environmentally friendly, but that she was proclaiming “Cycle 9″ smoke free.  Can someone please explain to me why every other stinking show on television has seasons and Tyra gets to have “cycles”?  Why does she get her own term?  I love this show, but let’s be serious, it ain’t worth coming up with its own language.  Ahhh, whatever.

Why do I watch this show?  I watch it because girls in a really big group get catty.  Now, let’s get a group of girls together and have them compete to be models, where only one will get the contract and they are in a competition of who gets to be the prettiest, and it ain’t like any of these girls are people who have had trouble with looks.  Add on top of that there is an aging model, who seems to have good intentions but just can’t let go of being the prettiest girl at the party, and you have the possibility of unintentional comedy every single second of the show.  From the ridiculous fashion shoots to the girls making absolute asses of themselves, this show is so entertaining.  I don’t watch because it makes me smarter, I watch because it makes me laugh my ass off.

This week, the wannabe models learned a runway walk from “famed runway coach” J. Alexander.  Let’s spend a moment on ol’ J. shall we?  First, I don’t know that he was famed until this show.  I ain’t saying I am a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination, but I do read US and People and any gossip columns I can get my hands on and I don’t ever remember seeing him in any of those.  I only remember him from this show.  Secondly, J. is a drag queen.  He is constantly showing up in women’s clothes, and he is always called “Miss J.” by Tyra and the wannabes.  Heh Heh, that sounds like a band that a kid would form on some sitcom like Blossom or Full House.  Anyway, Ms. J. also adds to the comedy portion with his training methods and critiques of the girls.

For instance, to teach the girls to walk this week, he put the girls in strait jackets to teach them to walk.  With her new political bent, I figured Tyra would object to this because it is insensitive to crazy people.  But it did make for good tv, so I can see where she would make an exception.  Plus, the straight jacket kept their arms occupied so they couldn’t smoke, so at least there is that.

Post-runway walk, there was the obligatory drama where two of the models argued about the other one not being her competition and ended with Saleisha (yes, that is her name) and Bianca yelling at each other.  At the end of it, Bianca called her a “plus size model” (ooohhh, snap!) and then Saleisha, who is all of 21, playing the experience card because Bianca is only 18.  I love it.  Then both fighters went to their respective corners and talked about how the other one was intimidated.  I don’t know which is more sad: that these two girls had this fight, or that I sat here and watched it whilst taking so much pleasure in it and all its ridiculosity (I made that word up, but I like it).

The challenge this evening is a couture runway show, with the winning wannabe to walk in the designer’s show in Paris later this season…Girls get out your claws.  The dresses themselves were pretty difficult to look at, much less walk in.  Let’s just put it like this: these are not dresses you will see at your neighborhood wedding or your prom.  Apparently Colleen Quen’s motto is “The Weirder the better.”  That being said, because her “gowns” are expensive, people will buy them and call her a genius.  Good for her.  As you will learn about me, I am always on the lookout for people who seem to make a lot of money but do very little.  But back to the challenge, Saleisha (still her name) won, and Bianca was none too pleased.

Next up?  The photo shoot.  This week Tyra decided not to take on smoking or any of the other big causes that she can take up on her pedestal courtesy of the CW.  Nope, this week the wannabes are to climb a fake rock wall in “high fashion” gowns.  You have to appreciate the fact that Tyra does her dead level best not to intrude on the concept of any photo shoot that any magazine would ever ever do.   I mean, seriously, do you ever think you’ll be standing at the checkout line at Target and be drawn into buying an issue of Vogue because they promise photos of a supermodel in an evening gown on a rock climbing wall?  Because I don’t.  I think that this challenge was less about making a picture that would ever be in a magazine and more about putting these poor wannabes in ridiculous looking dresses and makeup and helping Tyra to feel better about herself when she gets to look at these pictures.

Onto the elimination: Of course, Tyra’s picture brought us back from commercial.  The concept of the photo looked the same, but she was pictured on a pretty wall, looking lustily into space, while the wannabes were hugged up on a rope while wearing stupid makeup on a wall that looked like what you would find at your neighborhood Dick’s Sporting Goods.  To further illustrate my point, Tyra welcomes the wannabes with a horrible French accent.  Bless you, Tyra, and your magnificent ego, and your Pied Piper ability to get thousands upon thousands of 18-22 year olds to worship the ground you walk on and soak in every single thing that comes out of your mouth.  I love it, I love you, and more importantly, I love that for one hour a week, you come into my life and make me laugh…

Tyra highlights of the elimination included Tyra’s accent, the story about when she was a young model – shipped off to Paris with only 3 photos and she booked 25 gigs (because the point of this show is really to tell us how awesome Tyra is), Tyra showing off the model pretzel (what? oh, just watch the show), and of course Tyra standing in front of the girls and telling us “who is still in the runnng towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.”  Also, Tyra is constantly talking about the people “who stand before me.”  I have never heard a wordier elimination phrase or more awkwardly worded stuff, but then again, Tyra is so awesome she deserves more words, not less.

As for the rest of my comments as to the panel.  Ms. J. wore a mini-afro for a hairdo tonight, which made him look like Janet Jackson in her first tv role on Good Times.  And Nigel Barker sitting there looking good.  Thank you, Nigel.  Your accent only makes you hotter. 

This week, Bianca and Kimberly (who?) ended up in the bottom two, with Kimberly going home.  Tyra complimented Kimberly’s ears and sent her packing.  Bianca stayed because Tyra liked her even though all the other judges hated her pictures.  Good for her.  As always, it’s Tyra’s world and we all just live in it. 

Next week: The you are my barbie dolls and I get to do whatever I want Makeover week.  My favorite!!

Living the Dream

Here is my dream.  I am going to have my own reality show.  So many people ages 18-23 will want to be on it that they will send in ridiculous audition videos.  Of course, in my dream I won’t want to take the time to watch them all, so I will hire an intern to watch all of them, and only bring me the ones that are pee-in-my-pants funny, and the ones that are possible people for the actual cast.  In some cases, there will be videos that qualify for both categories.

Then, I will travel all over the country to meet the possible candidates.  Whenever I walk into the room, flanked by my two other judges who share the same name, the contestants will scream and cry and tell me how much they love me.  After an interview process with each of the potential castmembers, in which I ask questions like, “What is it that you like most about me?” I will pick the group that moves into the house.  Even though I cut half of the people that have shown up, they will still hug me, and buy the CD that I will inevitably put out in a year.

Then the final cast will move into the house.  The house itself willbe decorated with pictures of me everywhere.  The cast will fight over who gets to sleep closest to my picture, and have conversations about who looks the most like me.  After they have been in the house for about a week, I will dress them up like they are my own life-size Barbie dolls, and call it a “makeover.”  I will do ridiculous things to them on a whim, like shave a girl’s head or give jet black extensions to a girl who has only ever had short, blonde hair.  If they complain about this, I will call them ungrateful.

Each week, I will cut one of them, but only after I force them to do challenges that are ludicrous and deprive them of any shred of dignity they may still have.  People will love this show.  They will franchise it all over the world. 

I’m just kidding.  That isn’t my dream.  It’s Tyra Banks’ and the show is America’s Next Top Model.  But that is how the show works, and I do watch it every week.  It makes me happy!

That being said, why in the world has Tyra decided to be even more preachy this year?  Seriously.  ANTM is now “green.”  And amongst her many headshots, Tyra has placed little tips on conserving water and electricity.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great thing to promote, and we could all stand to be more conscious of how the choices we make affect our world, but it was just all too promoted for my taste.  Be “green.”  Don’t spend five minutes of episode time on it, and for goodness’ sake, please don’t have a model explain to me why it’s important to “you know, be aware of what makes our earth (pregnant pause as she searches desperately for a word) good.”  I mean, come on…Then the first photo shoot was about the dangers of smoking.  At the end of it all, Tyra informed them that they would not be allowed to smoke.  Is this just to instigate some drama so that one of the 84-pound, nicotine-craving, bulimic wannabes will kill one of the other girls?  Because it would probably happen regardless of whether or not they can smoke.  Let’s face it, you just put 15 girls into one house and they all are models, there’s gonna be plenty o’ drama…This is just overkill.

I know that my posts have been a day off this week.  Today you probably want to know more about Grey’s or the amazing Office episode from last night, or even some thoughts on Survivor.  I will catch up this weekend, and next week, don’t count on such a delay.