I know that it’s been a while since I gave you a good blog about some ridiculous television, but even though I had lapsed into semi-retirement, one phenomenon has got me blogging again. No, it isn’t Coral and Beth’s Gauntlet showdown (even though that was hilarious!) It’s the brand new show, “Girlicious” on the CW. It is a spinoff from “The Next Pussycat Doll” show from last year. Now, I know I am on record as having boycotted that show, but that was before I was informed that they eliminated girls by having them…wait for it…hang up their pink boa!!! I mean I am all for the regular catch phrase eliminations…You’re fired, You didn’t get a rose, Your tour ends here…but the feather boa idea just took it to an amazing level…I was so happy to get a second chance to get in on this action, because let’s face it, that show ain’t coming to DVD any time soon. So I was excited to catch Girlicious last night in its entirety.The set-up: Robin Antonin is the “mastermind” behind the Pussy Cat Dolls (PCD) success. She looks like Fergie and talks like Joey Tribbiani’s agent, Estelle. She will be assisted by a super-gay choreographer with an attitude, a vocal coach whose resume includes working with Jennifer Lopez and the Spice Girls (so you know he can polish a turd), and the big kicker: the show is hosted by Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray fame…It is just a perfect setup for unintentional comedy. We begin with the semi-finals, 15 girls, but only 12 can collect their feather boas (yes!) and move into the Girlicious loft. As we meet the 15 girls, we learn that they each are willing to give their sob stories (dead dad, heart surgery, etc.), or share an inappropriate tattoo (cherries on her hoo-ha, really?), or that they are a lesbian, but they ALL like to “party.” Of course they do…They split the 15 girls into 5 groups of 3 so I want to thank the production assistant who managed to help Robin with her division. The girls then chose their group’s track for auditions by pulling the song off a board that have been performed by successful, groundbreaking girl groups like the Supremes or En Vogue…I am telling you, watching this show is just 60 minutes of pure entertainment.Of course, as we cut to the training sessions, the girls all have tension within their groups…One girl (in the “We got the beat” group) is a weak dancer (Charlotte), and asked how she felt about it, her fellow band member says that it’s okay but she just knows that some are slower than others….(Awww, snap!)…Hard to look cool when you are learning to dance while singing into your water bottle I guess. But fear not, Charlotte, all the groups are having trouble. I mean, Jenna has cramps, and Carrie’s look, according to Jack McFarland is “just tragic.” So stick with it, girl.After a full day of auditions, the girls are invited to the super-exclusive Interscope Records Tom-Tom Club for a night out (Insert my “what club? face” and squealing in the background by the girls). Of course, when they are only given 15 minutes to get ready, you knew there was going to be some major drama. Here comes Charlotte again…She wants to borrow some boots from Natalie. Natalie won’t let her because she wants to hurt her competition…and “it’s not like anyone said, ‘Hey Natalie, pack boots for Charlotte’” Eye roll. It’s at this point while watching the show, that you may feel like your life has reached an all-time low because you are on your couch watching a group of teenage girls fight over a pair of boots. Push through that feeling, folks, and remind yourself that it is only by putting others down that we can feel good about ourselves.Okay, to the Tom-Tom Club. I am not really sure that this is anything more than a warehouse with a karaoke machine and a stage. They show the girls coming in where there is no crowd, a short “red carpet” that I am pretty sure was a doormat at a large building 30 minutes ago and a rope line that was holding no one out. When they get in there, the only people there were Robin, Jack McFarland, Sugar Ray, and (gasp!) Nelly Furtado. Bring on the karaoke!The girls all clap and squeal. Carrie is particularly excited because where she is from they used to call her “Carrie-oke.” Aren’t you glad you pushed through? These people actually exist and are wandering the streets. So the next time you lock your keys in your car or forget to turn off the stove, remember that there are plenty of people dumber than you, and they think they are the next Einstein.In an attempt to make them all more embarrassed, the girls are forced to sing songs by PCD, Sugar Ray, and Nelly Furtado…in front of the artist who recorded it. Get it? OMG, like, how embarrassing. Meanwhile, they flash to Nelly Furtado who has a look on her face that says she is mentally composing her suicide note in which she blames her agent for booking her on this show and ponders where exactly her career went wrong.More drama: Jenna has a cyst that almost ruptured and she showed up the next day in her wheelchair. If you thought the dance was ridiculous before, watching Jenna roll around to “Where did our love go” was amazing…Meanwhile, Charlotte is having a tough time with her choreography and blames not having Natalie’s boots for it…Robin is not pleased.Performance Time:Let me just say that up until their performances, not a single harmony had sounded on at all in any of the rehearsals. But hell if all of them weren’t right on during this segment. Now, I am not big on conspiracy theories, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some serious voice over work going on…The eliminations were pretty uneventful. Robin announced the people moving on with a standard “Congratulations.” I am ready for the feather boas, but that’s next week…At the end of the night, the remaining 12 picked up their feather boas and danced around on stage with them…amazing…All but Charlotte, Keshia, and Kristin moved on. They will NOT be in Girlicious. I think all three of them will look back on this elimination as a happy time…But maybe that’s just me.
