The Hills: Finale

Okay, so let’s get to the Hills finale, shall we?  I know, I know, it has been a stinking long time since you last heard from me.  There has been work, and a trip with my best friend EVER, and holiday parties complete with Dirty Santa, but I know what you really want to know about right now are some Hills thoughts…So here we go – and let’s go by character, shall we?

Lisa Love – Seriously? This is the woman who is supposed to help teens find their “fashion voice” or whatever you call it?  She is a poor man’s Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada, isn’t she?  And who didn’t absolutely know that Lauren was gonna get to go to Paris once she made that comment about “I think Lauren had her chance to go to Paris.”  Come on, Lisa!

Audrina – Worthless this episode, but while we are here, when you go out with a hot Australian guy like that, shouldn’t you be a little bit concerned about the thing on his lip?  I mean, that is a sign of a certain STD, right?  Get that boy some Valtrex or at least get me an explanation…

Lo – Where are you?  Why have you left me with no Lo goodness to tide me over?  I miss you Lo, because I, too, enjoy judging people…

Brody – Good work on the shaved head.  I think that is an excellent look for you.  I love your curls, but you tend to wait about ten days too long for a haircut when you’re growing it out, so the shaved head, I can get on board with…But when it comes to Lauren, you need to piss or get off the pot.  You know you want to date this girl, she makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, you’re both beautiful people, and she can get you air-time on a reality show on MTV.  For you, she is the total package.  But you are playing the strategy game.  As long as you two are “just friends” albeit with privileges, you can take full advantage of your “fame” and date around without Lauren banishing you to the land of Speidi…I smell what you’re cooking Brody.

Whitney – This episode really showcased Whitney in all of her awkward, face-making glory.  She is excited to go to Paris, but knows that Lauren is going to wanna go to.  Sweet, adorable little Whitney feels awkward, and it leads her to make some hilarious faces, and to stick her foot in her mouth around Lauren, like by asking if she had ever been to Paris “this time of year.” To which Lauren, all feeling sorry for herself and pouty has to turn to Whitney and say, “No, I’ve never been - ever.”  Hee.  Awkward Whitney is hilarious.

Heidi – about time you grew some courage there, buddy.  You told him not to leave, and he left.  You are “going home for a while” which is only going to lead to the whole I told you so lecture from the parents, but you got that coming anyway.  Heidi is the poster child for all of us who are glad that our early 20s weren’t documented by MTV cameras.  Who didn’t date that guy who you just knew was the one, but who now makes your skin crawl with just the memory of it all?  Now imagine that guy is Spencer…I know, Heidi will be lucky to get through this…Take some time, girl.

Spencer – Dropping by work?  Nope. Shouldn’t have left your girl at the apartment.  You know? The one where you spray painted the walls, moved in all sorts of arcade games, and a jelly fish tank.  Seriously, you live in an apartment not the local mall, buddy.  Maybe if you hadn’t spent all that money on jelly fish, you could have afforded an actual diamond…Geez.  Now your fifteen minutes are up.  Heidi’s gonna make up with Lauren (or not), but once that relationship is over, you are off of this show…and let’s just say that big teeth and a resemblance to Beavis never landed anyone a spin-off…See ya!

Lauren – off to Paris, no boyfriend, but happy to have made the decisions you have.  Good for you.  I look forward to your next season of work, your happy return, more flirtations with Brody, and your eventual lapse into quiet obscurity as the first 28 year-old still working at Teen vogue.  Come 2017, Lauren is gonna take home the disco ball trophy on Dancing With the Stars.  You heard it here first…

And as for the big announcement?  We get to see Lauren in Paris…it wasn’t the season finale after all!! Happy Holidays everyone!

The Hills: Now it’s just getting Ridiculous- In a Good Way

You know, for a show that I can honestly say that I REALLY look forward to, I don’t write about the episodes of The Hills nearly enough.  Sure, I will pass along what I see as far as the fact that clearly this show is staged, fake, scripted almost, but as far as talking about the reason that everyone cares that it’s fake (because the show itself is AWESOME!), I don’t do that enough.  So here you go.  I enjoyed last night’s episode immensely!

First, how about the “she-pratt” reference.  We don’t get to see Spencer’s sisters (even though he’s referenced them before) for the three seasons we’ve had the pleasure of knowing Spencer, and then Audrina “sees her” at some club, she and Lauren talk about it, and then lo and behold, there is the sister with her roommate threatening Brody to not hang out with LC and for LC to stop hating on ol’ Heidi.  I picture that scene being set up a lot the same way that Daniel Larusso was set up to beat up that guy at the club in Karate Kid III.  You know?  Where the millionaire quit his business to ruin the life of an 18 year-old and he gives that guy $50 to hit on Daniel-san’s fake girlfriend?  You don’t?  Whatever, that movie is a classic.

The beauty of this whole exchange is that we get to see the She-Pratt tell her brother all about it the next day.  And it isn’t the actual description of the events that is great so much as this conversation reveals the following salient details: (1) Spencer and Heidi had their electricity turned off after not paying the electric bill for SIX MONTHS! and that is what killed all the jellyfish (All together now:AWWWW).  I would have thought they died from fear of Spencer’s huge chiclet teeth, and (2) Spencer’s sister is an ordained minister.  No for real, she got it over the internet.  Wow!  Heidi immediately turns a little green as she tries to explain politely why she doesn’t want the she-Pratt to officiate her wedding.  I mean, I can’t make this stuff up…Somebody clearly can, but I couldn’t!

Anyway, let’s spend a moment on Audrina: this tree-hugging, granola-eating, turban-wearing guy that she’s seeing has clearly out-kicked his coverage here.  I don’t know why Audrina likes him.  From all appearances, his best feature is that he can grow facial hair and turn any bedsheet into a hat that he will wear to a club.  He has desserted her in Vegas.  He left her at a beach party (at least he left her helmet for her), and last night he was kissing a girl at the bar in front of Audrina.  So after a minor meltdown in the club, Justin-Bobby gets her outside the club, by a dumpster, and keeps asking her to get in the back of the car…Now, as it turns out, that isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, but geez.  Audrina left Lauren and Brody at the club to jump in this car.  Sure, she tells her “friend at work” that she just left him at his apartment, but I ain’t buying that.

They ended the night with Audrina saying it was over, but I don’t believe that.  Just overall, a fun episode to watch.  You know what would have made it better?  I need some Lo in my life.  That girl is just great.

Confirmed: The Hills, not Magical, just Staged…

After posting about this a few days ago, we got confirmation today that The Hills is not as real as MTV wants us to believe.  No, as much as you love your LC, Spencer, Heidi, Brody, Whitney, Audrina, Justin Bobby, and ESPECIALLY Lo, they are a lot of staged situations.  I don’t know what to believe anymore…The best part is that I don’t care.  Still gonna watch, “Feel the Rain on Your Skin..” I am gonna hold out hope that Lo is totally real all the time.  I’ll just keep telling myself this.