The show begins with our venerable host, Chris Harrison, catching us up on what happened last week…By now you know what happened, or you can figure it out: 25 women was cut to 15 on the first episode after these ladies tried to convince Brad that they were soulmates through various forms of self-degradation. There was the girl who just went and got in the pool, the girl who told Brad about her webbed feet, the contortionist, and of course our Sweet Melissa, who got so intoxicated that the only English word she could say with any clarity was: Sweetness!
Ahhh, I love the Bachelor. Tonight, the ladies moved into their swank Malibu mansion and are going on different group dates with Brad so that he can further narrow the field of who may one day have the privilege of having their breakup covered by the likes of OK! Magazine. I love the second episode of this show every season because it’s the second episode where we get to see who was the psycho or psychos who slipped through the careful screening process of the first-night cocktail party. We also get to see the girl who got the first impression rose pay for her good luck. Also present are the big group announcements from Chris, which are always followed by squealing bachelorettes who just know that their soulmate is within their clutches if they could just get these other bitches out of the way. I find comfort in the predictabilty of this show, but I love tuning in every week to find out what twist the obvious show will take.
Tonight, there were two group dates, with a rose up for grabs on each of the dates. The first date box included big floppy hats and a My Little Pony. The note said for the girls to join their hotty for a day at the races. The 7 girls batting lead off were: Marin, McCarten, Kristy, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, and DeAnna. DeAnna is the one that I picked out as my favorite to win from week one. Brad just looked floored when he saw her step out of that limo, and then ABC chose not to show us any of their conversations – a sure sign that she could go far. Then again DeAnna didn’t lose one of her boobs, tell a story about how she broke her face or do any other stupid human tricks, so it’s conceivable that she is just all steak and no sizzle at this point. Upon hearing their names called, the seven of them all rushed to the bathroom to get ready for thier man, and two of them talked about their desire to make out with him. When they got to the track, Brad was wearing his Sonny Crockett Miami Vice jacket. In true high roller fashion, he gives his ladies money to bet. And wouldn’t you know it? DeAnna picked the winner. Good girl!
Meanwhile, the remaining girls get their date box, which includes bathing suits, a frisbee, and an invitation to go hang out with him at the beach. Of course, they all squeal, and discuss how good ol’ Brad is gonna look in his swim trunks. I think so too!
And that’s when tragedy struck. Michelle fell down the stairs and “was badly injured.” They put her on the stretcher and took her out of the house. Immediately, the girls tell her they love her and then talk about the possibility that one of them is already out. Even though it was in a concerned voice, you could tell that Lindsey the model from Michigan was pretty happy about the development.
Back at the track, Brad and a couple of the girls are feeding carrots to the horses, and walking hand in hand with “Silly Hilary” as the other girls spy on them from the luxury box. Then one of the San Diego Chargers stopped by to give them some Chargers t-shirts. That’s about the only way that someone will be wearing Chargers gear this year. Then the producers handed Brad a cell phone so Michelle could call him to tell them about her big spill. McCarten wondered how Michelle got his phone number, and it makes me think (a) she doesn’t watch reality television enough to know that some production assistant stuck a phone in Michelle’s hand and told her to call him, and (b) that she may be one of those people who is so naive that she should not be allowed to oversee her own finances. But ever the opportunist, McCarten takes the silence to mean that she should steal Brad away for some alone time.
McCarten thinks that if she can get the first kiss from Sonny Crockett then she will get that rose that is currently on the table and wilting from all of the ladies fawning over it. Their alone time looked like a third grade girl who asked one of the boys in her class to meet her by the swingset. She just leaned in and planted one on him whilst he was mid-sentence. Brad even interviewed that the kiss “was not good.” Not only that, but he wiped his mouth shortly after the kiss. Ooooh, bad sign, McCarten.
DeAnna got some alone time too. She seems shy, and she told him that she came into the show hoping that she would like him, and vice versa but that if she didn’t she’d just go see her dog. That’s when he went to get the rose. Told you he liked her. The girls were suitably catty, and immediately went up to the loft where the two of them were chatting. I am thinking that Michelle may not be the only one tumbling down the stairs after this date. A glass of champagne and then it was time to head back to the house.
Date Number 2 – “Brad’s Beach Babes” or so they named themselves. Blech. Sarah thinks their group has an advantage because they get to wear like way less clothes. Michelle was back from the hospital but she looked hopped up on painkillers and sore as all hell. Brad went to find her and Michele looked completely touched that he cared enough to come out by the pool and spent thirty seconds dispensing platitudes. Then he left her there so he could go make shots for the seven girls he had taken to the beach in his yellow and woodpaneled car. The girls there are doing shots and makign him take his shirt off. Hee. Back at the house, the girls are talking about how the girls that had the audacity to go on their own group date were just slutty and classless. Ohhh-kay…
So then Solisa she was Lisa- so Lisa – that she wanted Brad to do a body shot off of her to show Brad that she was a free spirit. How do you follow that up? By telling Brad that you are a strong Christian, followed of course by her stripping naked and running to the ocean. Seriously, I think it was Leviticus where it talks about how the woman may strip off her loin cloth and pour tequila into her belly button to show the man how she feels. Look it up. See why I like this show? Right is left, up is down, and there is no place for logic.
Stephy, the Greek-speaking self-professed citizen of the world, won’t let Solisa get away with that, so she does her own body shot. But that wasn’t enough to get the first makeout kiss from Brad. Nope, Jenni got that. It looked a lot more comfortable than the one that McCarten gave him. But the jig may be up for Jenni, because the classy girls at the house are going through her stuff to find (gasp!) a modeling book. What! A girl went on a reality show to get her name out there in the hopes of furthering her modeling career? I am SHOCKED! This is an outrage! Please.
Sarah then got the rose for the date, and looked so uncomfortable the whole time she was getting it, that I blushed for her. Meanwhile, Lindsey, the ever-compassionate model is back with the rest of the vipers telling them that in her expert opinion, Sarah is fake. Because, “Who can be that happy all the time?”
This was also the date of the poor toasts. First there was “Here’s to the North and Here’s to the South and Here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth.” Which, I mean, I get it I guess, but did she want all of them to find that out or just her? Then there was the hot tub toast, where a toast to “Life, love and happiness.” Original. And that’s when Solisa decided that she would leave the hot tub to strip naked and run to the water. Brad didn’t even get up to look. She put her top back on and then got a hug from Brad who looked perplexed.
Proceed on to the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Brad wore a fugly suit. It was grey and an even fuglier tie. He wanted to talk to Michele the clumsy girl first. She had a lukewarm conversation with him, and maybe she thought she would get a pity rose. I certainly thought so. Then we were treated to the ideal day for the nanny, Mallory. You might remember her from the first show as the girl who was wading around in the pool and then told the Bachelor to “take your pants off.” What’s her ideal day? Brad making her breakfast in bed, followed by the two of them doing something outside, like “water color or reading.” I am assuming that Brad would have to read to her. When asked how they would make a living, she looked distressed, “You mean we have to work during this?”
Meanwhile Jenni is having a breakdown because she is worried that the other girls are gonna spill to Brad about her modeling book. DeAnna, my girl!, calms her down. While DeAnna is doing that, Jade is hinting to Brad that some people “aren’t here for the right reasons.” And by the time Jade is done, the ABC producers have sufficiently spiked the rest of the girls’ drinks. So Brad walked back in to girls dancing on the counter, lots of squealing (of course!) and slurred speech. But then there came Fun Sponge Chris Harrison to make Brad go upstairs to stare at the wall of pictures and make his big decision. Three ladies had to leave, and those roses weren’t gonna give themselves out.
Roses:
Kristy
Bettina
Silly Hillary
Estafania (“Steffy”)
Sheena (Who?)
McCarten (she of the awkward kiss)
Jenni (sporting the side pony Why?)
Lindsey (look forward to more snarky comments about the other girls next week)
Jade
Solisa the stripper gets the final rose.
So the girl with the head injury, the nanny, and Erin, whose faith in relationships is now gone. I was shocked that there was no pity rose. I called that one incorrectly. Next week: the identical twin switcheroo!! I cannot wait!
