The Bachelor Recap: Looking Good On Paper Not As Important as Being Ready to Woo-PAH!

On this episode, the four remaning Bachelorettes take Brad to their hometown for dates.  These episodes are always entertaining because you just never know what crazy lies behind those party dresses and swimming pool tans.  Will there be another ‘Bama room like Brooke from Birmingham, or maybe another girl from Oklahoma whose dad wants to make a point by shooting a gun?  Well, from the previews, we knew that poor Sheena’s mom was weird, and Bettina’s family was judgmental.  But let’s see the full story.  And may I just say thank you to whatever ABC Editor agreed that another shower scene was a good idea.  WHEE!!

First date: Jenni in Wichita, Kansas.

Jenni decided to take Brad to where she grew up dancing.  So with the big hoop earrings and pink backdrop, Jenni confided in Brad that she had won $50 for her first dance competition.  Between nervous giggles, Jenni shows Brad some sweet Phoenix Suns/tap dancing moves, and all of this without any music…Brad wondered whether it’s a good idea to have a long distance relationship for a year, even though he already told her it was okay, and the fact that we all know that whoever (whomever? -Office reference) he chooses will get kicked to the curb in about 6 months.  Not even Us Magazine covers the breakup anymore.

Jenni takes Brad from the cheesy stage to the family beauty parlor for dinner, I wish I was kidding.  Jenni is the home of the inappropriate grandmother.  It seems like there is always one, and this year, it’s Grandma Betty.  Brad impresses by telling them that he isn’t a drinker and reassures Grandma that he isn’t thinking of precious Jenni as a baby factory.  Right as Grandma was passing off quotes about hitting the road, Jack, I was waiting for her medley of breakup songs, and thinking it couldn’t get more uncomfortable for our hero.  I was wrong.  Mama decides to wash Brad’s hair in her salon.  No, really it happened.  I guess we should just be happy that Jenni’s mom isn’t a proctologist.  She waited until Brad was good and lathered up to ask why in the world he was still single…Yeesh.  Meanwhile, Jenni’s sister is curling her hair and asking Jenni if he’s the one.  What is it with this family and needing to be touching the other person’s head to have a serious conversation?  A little odd, but probably not the strangest thing going on in Wichita.  Jenni’s dad didn’t bother to rub Brad’s head, and he comes in with the quote for the family, after asking Brad what his goals were, Brad began to answer him – something about real estate and making money – and Dad says, “you don’t have to tell me what they are, just wanted to know if you had some goals.”  Hmmm.  What if his goal was to impregnate the four remaining women?  Wouldn’t that be a little nugget of information you’d want?  I think the listing of goals was a good idea…just saying.  Cue the drama, because Jenni has made the team.   They’ve been calling her a Phoenix Suns Dancer this whole time, so it wasn’t much of a shock, but it makes me wonder what the job would have said if she hadn’t made it…Bare-footed tapdancer/nervous giggler/headband wearer.  I don’t know, but it’s fun to speculate.  Through it all Jenni tearfully tells Brad how much he means to her, and Brad, of course wipes her tears and then kisses her.

Second Date: Sheena in Walnut Creek, California

Their date started out on the family boat.    Sheena gets kudos from the producers for figuring out how to make a bathing suit play prominently into their date.  So they all pile into the boat and go tubing.  Brad said “It could not have gone better.”  I guess riding on a nylon tube behind a boat at 70 miles an hour beats talking to the parents.  And when the conversation finally started, you could see why.  Mom immediately asked what Brad’s sign was.  That was just a preview, as the rest of Mom’s camera time was spent talking about how the stars had aligned for Brad and Sheena and how she could tell when she looked at him that he and Sheena would be together forever, and her quote,”I know (Sheena) is the one, and whether she’s your one, or somebody else’s one, she is the ONE.”  It actually made less sense when I just typed it.  Brad sat there politely trying to follow the crazy rabbit down the hole, but I could tell that he was a little worried that this woman’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the pent house.  I hadn’t seen that look on his face since the first night when the girl showed him her webbed feet…Hee!

Thank goodness Sheena came in right there to save the conversation, but then the mom only encouraged them both to go pick out the rings because “we are ready to commit” and because she already knew who the flower girl and the bridesmaids were gonna be.  Say it with me now: AWK-WARD!

Sheena pulls Brad out to the hot tub – you know – so they can look at the stars that are now lining up.  Sheena takes that opportunity to tell Brad how important her family is to her and how close she is to them.  Normally, I would think this would be a good thing, but I would bet you dollars to donuts that Sheena would have made Brad feel better in this case if she would have thanked him for being so kind to her slightly autistic mother who recently hit her head.  Weird hug in the hot tub, and as Sheena talks about how Brad is her soulmate, Brad does not go in for the kiss.

Third Date: DeAnna in Georgia

In case you didn’t know, DeAnna is Greek.  The date started with serious talk with the father.  That’s when we find out that DeAnna is not only Greek but that she lost her mother.  DeAnna brought out the photo album to introduce Brad to her mother.  I know that I make fun of all of the crap on this show, and for the most part, the dates are over-the-top, play to much to emotion serious.  But I thought DeAnna did a really cool thing there, and for once on this show it was an understated way of letting Brad get to know her.  Kudos DeAnna!  Now stop being so mean to all the other girls.  And I take the Kudos back because DeAnna and her sister retire for the sister chat where DeAnna tells her that if Brad doesn’t pick her, she’ll be crushed.  Blech.

And then Yaya and PouPou showed up (apparently those are Greek grandparents) and it was time to PARTY!!  Maybe Yaya and PouPou means hammered.  Shots of Uzzo for everyone, and it brings us to the quote of the nite from DeAnna’s family – Yaya: To your health and may you love your mother in law!  Hee Hee. Next thing you know, they’re all in a circle, yelling Woo-PAH!  I hope ABC called them all a cab.  Brad got a good nite kiss, and off he went.

Last Date: Bettina in our Nation’s Capitol

This date was marked all along with Red Flags.  From the moment we see the family, it was just uncomfortable to the nth degree.  It didn’t get better.  Start out with Brad not graduating from college, and Dad telling him that he’s a professor with a shit-eating grin.  Dad then says that he Brad is “a great disappointment.”  Then they ask Brad what he does for a living (WAA-WOH) which is followed by a joke by Brad to ease the tension that went over as well as a Michael Vick sighting at a PETA convention.  That would have been bad enough but enter the judgy step-mom who says she isn’t happy that Bettina is hooked up with some bar-owning cowboy who probably worships the devil and gives out apples with razor blades at Halloween.  I am not even exaggerating that much.  After the fifth consecutive question about his business, Brad says that he feels judged.  Really?  It was even uncomfortable down to the little things like Brad offering to help and the stepmom sending him back out with “Yeah, clear the table!  Everything, just clear it!”

Then Dad tells us all what we have thought might be the case all along.  He liked the first husband.  Bettina’s not going to find anyone better and he doesn’t agree with her going on this show.  Hmmm…But Mr. Perfect isn’t here anymore.  He probably found religion and is off in the Sahara Desert coming up with a way to grow food without water and reading to the blind in his spare time, but the fact is, he ain’t here now.  Dad needs to settle down.  And while he’s out there berating his daughter, Brad is left to face the two moms who are accusing him of stringing people along.  Even the dog was barking at Brad.  Geez.  I am starting to get antsy and I’m sitting here on my couch.  I need a drink…

And I am glad I got one after having to watch the conversation between Brad and Bettina that followed the family dinner.  There they were sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Monument and Brad worrying about being judged and Bettina using the excuse that “she doesn’t look that good on paper either.”  And when he was sitting on those steps, I think Brad hatched a plan.

3 Roses, 1 girl out, and Sheena will be leaving us this evening.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, and maybe Brad doesn’t watch the show to know what goes on when the girls get down to 3, but the next round is overnight dates.  I think at this point it’s a two-woman race between Jenni and DeAnna.  I think Sheena and Bettina were dead women walking after these dates.  And so he can only let one go.  Sheena treated him respectfully, she impressed his brother, and she wrote Brad one of the worst poems ever to be written in the English language.  But it isn’t there.  He should cut her loose.

Bettina is crazy, she is divorced, and her family was filled with ass holes.  Why not keep ol’ Bettina around so that her dad can see his little girl “forego” her individual room to “stay as a couple in the fantasy suite?”  How better to stick it to the old man with his diplomas on the walls and all holier than thou?  I am not saying they have to do anything.  I doubt many of the women do (maybe I’m just naive), but 100% of the time the girl goes up there, and the door clicks with the “Do Not Disturb.”  So if that was Brad’s plan, I say more power to him because those people were ASSES!

I would mess with Sheena more about crying if she didn’t just seem so doggone innocent and vulnerable out there crying into Brad’s shoulder.  She really did get blindsided by all of this, and I want to give her credit for keeping it together until she got outside.  And I won’t say anything else about it…

I would rather look forward to next week, and the forego cards, and the Cabo San Lucas and Brad without his shirt on!! Oh yes, Brad without his shirt on.

The Bachelor Recap: Hillary Breaks Down like a Ford Tempo In Rush Hour

Let’s get to it – Blah Blah Recap of the last episodes…This week, Chris (whilst wearing a really, REALLY ugly shirt) tells the Bachelorettes that there were 2 one on one dates and a group date.  No roses for anyone on these dates, just good times.  Bettina (the divorcee) gets the first one on one.  Whee!

 

Can Bettina relax?  According to Brad, this is the key to whether or not she will be kissed.  Meanwhile, a lot of the girls are gonna go on the group date, and Sheena will get the other solo.  Good for her.  DeAnna tried to be okay with it as she read it off the datebox card.  We all recognize that she had bad thoughts when she read the card…Come on, kids.

 

Meanwhile, in this the Season of the Bachelor, sponsored by Paxil, Bettina is in a boat with Brad and fighting off tears.  What is it with the tears?!?!  Everyone cries this year.  What is it?  Ladies, do you go out on a date with a guy you really like and then just cry?  Does ABC just chop onions?  Why, oh why, do we constantly get crying girls when they get around this guy?  Should he be on Heroes as the crying man?  Is this too many questions in a row?  Note to Bettina: Just have fun and show him that you like him.  Do NOT cry and make it a great big Debbie Downer Date.

 

Brad’s “house” for the pool party.  The quote on house is because Brad clearly does not live here.  Blech.  Brad wanted a pool party because he’s laid back.  And what is more laid back than having 5 scantily clad women over to your house for liquor and good times  a slip and slide headed into the pool?  So there they all are.

 

Meanwhile Kristy won’t swim.  You know, she really was a one-trick pony that Kristy.  She asked to see his tongue on the first night and didn’t pull out any personality after that.  Last week she stayed around because she cried.  Bye, Kristy.  How are you gonna go on the Bachelor and refuse to swim?  Does she not know that this is a show which is based on hot tubs and yachts and beach dates and countless other ways to get the men and women into their bathing suits?  The only person who doesn’t have to bring his swim trunks is our beloved host, Chris Harrison.  And for that, ABC, let me just thank you on behalf of the viewing public.  Can’t you just see ol’ Chris climbing into the hot tub with his champagne flute and trying to sit between two of the girls and while high fiving the Bachelor?  I think that Prince Lorenzo would have liked that…

 

Back at the pool, Hillary who will later have the most dramatic breakdown in Bachelor history according to Chris, Hillary has decided to give the LONGEST bleeped out explanation I’ve seen on television since The Osbourns went off the air.  What was bleeped?  Oh, just 30 seconds of sexual positions she would like to try with Brad.  It made me throw up a little, and I could not even tell what she said.  Hillary has a little bit of the “crazy eyes” and I think Brad saw that while she was floating alongside him on the float, talking about the amazing chemistry she feels and telling him how she knows what they have is different and more special than anything he may have with any of the other girls.  I kept waiting from the theme music from Nightmare on Elm Street, didn’t you?  But Brad tried to handle it nicely- telling her maybe they are too good of friends for that to be “chemistry.”  Hillary apparently had water in her ears, though, because she just kept prattling on about how much they had in common and the attraction and how they could be best friends and lovers and parents of children and … This is when Brad pretended to drown and look jealous of Kristy.

 

After reviving himself, Brad and DeAnna snuck off for some alone time.   DeAnna didn’t get the kiss on her solo time because there were three other girls watching, and she’s just not like that.  Brad said he liked her because she was stronger than most women he was around.  I think that’s code for “bitch” but Brad doesn’t seem to mind and he has liked her since he first saw her.  Since having the other women watch cramps his style, Brad stole Jenni away to a different area, where the prying eyes couldn’t follow and Brad could make out with the girl whose looking like a shoo in to take home the promise ring.  Red flag, people!  Whoever is made out to be the favorite early, goes home in that first limo on the finale, crying and slinging snot and talking about how she thought what they had was real.  How could she have been so blind?  Etc.  Anyway, today Jenni and Brad make out in the hammock.  Upstairs with the other girls, Hillary is crying because she didn’t get to make out with the Bachelor…Please Hillary.  You are a psycho.  Forget it, I don’t speak Crazy and you clearly don’t understand English.

 

Next up was the final date of the evening.  Sheena (Princess of Power!) and her one on one with Brad.  Brad was excited because he  knew that Chad liked Sheena and he wanted to get to know her better.  So for their date Brad planted little “surprises” along the way.  However, the biggest surprise was ol’ Sheena heading down the stairs on her behind after tripping.  Both she and Brad handled it perfectly, though.  She laughed at herself and he didn’t laugh as much as he wanted to…The date, which was dinner amongst a lot of balloons went well, and Sheena got the kiss that she was wanting.  But only after Brad gave her a pair of diamond earrings that she got to keep.  How cool is that?  And raise your hand if those puppies end up on eBay in the near future.  Me too.

 

Back at the House, Sheena tells the otherladies about her amazing date.  I don’t know why she would do that but it did end up working out because Bettina complained that her date didn’t sound as cool as Sheena’s.  Wow.  Of course at the rose ceremony Bettina said that she was only joking.  Uuuhhh okay.

 

To the Rose ceremony.  Brad, sweetie, you may be the “Sexiest Bachelor Ever”, but you wear some really bad ties.  At the rose ceremony, was it a test to see who really cared about you to wear the skinny-striped number.  Because that was a bad moment for you.  But that wasn’t the biggest mistake that was made in the Rose Ceremony.

 

Sometimes, in reality television, there comes a moment where you just want to throw things at the television and scream for the person to quit.  Last night, we had just such an occasion when Sheena decided to read Brad a Sheena Original Poem.  And it goes a little something like this:

 

            I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm

           The patch of blonde hair on your ears your goals, and most of all your charm.

            It’s weird that I just met you and I don’t know if we’re meant to be. 

           I do know every time you leave, it’s you I want to see.           

          So Cheers to the sweetest guy I know, and the journey yet to come  

          I hope I get to stick around cause I know we’d have lots of fun. 

Being the gallant gentleman that he is, Brad asked to keep the poem and instead of insulting her writing.  I hope it’s to burn and not show his friends later, but there ya go.  I think it says something when your new lady friend “compliments you” on the line of moles on your arm and your ear hair.  I don’t know what it says, but there’s a definite problem there, maybe.  I don’t know.

 

DeAnna takes Brad out by themselves and she rights the wrong of the other day by getting some private makeout time with the Bachelor.  Good for her.  Bettina tells Brad that she thought their date was perfect, which made me wonder what a bad date with Bettina looks like.  Brad must really feel NOTHING for Hillary because he and Bettina looked so stiff together, that it was a little awkward to watch.  And then she tells him that now she knows that she wants to kiss him and she wants his hands on her….Wha?  That sounded odd just coming out of her mouth.  She said that she’s comfortable and she tells him that she feels something deeper than what she’s ever felt.

 

But even with Brad’s fugly tie, and Sheena reading that god-awful poem and Bettina using phrases like “Hands on me” the biggest idiot of the evening award goes to Hillary.  First, she dressed as though she was supposed to be Cinderella at Disney World – way more formal, hair up, looking about 15 years older than she is.  Still not the bad part.  Then Brad tried to prepare her for the fact that she wasn’t going to get a rose, using all of the polite ways to tell a girl (or guy for that matter) that you’re better off as friends.  Those phrases include “good talks, I love those,” “such a good friend,” “something a little different,” and “you holding up okay?”  Then Hillary says she feels the same way that he does, at which point poor Brad thought he was in the clear.  You could tell in that split second he was SOOOO very relieved.   Unfortunately, Hillary followed that with terms like “so much chemistry,” and “lover” and “husband.”  That is when I am pretty sure our old friend Chris Harrison handed Brad a barf bag, because the relief was gone and he was looking pretty pale and nauseous.  Then Hillary went and did an interview where she says she can tell that he feels something for her and that she wore the white Cinderella dress because she wants him to think of how beautiful she would look in her wedding dress.  Yeesh.  Hide your head in a pillow awful.  Leave the room and pour yourself a strong drink awful.  Taking a screwdriver to your eardrums, well you get it.  Sheena’s poem was embarrassing for me to watch but watching Hillary go through all of that was just absolutely painful.

 

It was pretty easy to tell that Kristy and Hillary were getting the boot. I mean Brad knows that when a girl doesn’t like you enough to go down a slip and slide, it’s pretty much over.  As for Hillary, Brad basically did everything short of driving her to the airport before the rose ceremony.   And it ain’t like Hillary was the first girl to get kicked off who was utterly psycho.  But man, the complete breakdown outside to the camera where she couldn’t breathe was awful.  So bad that Brad asked Bettina to hold his champagne while he went outside and hugged Hillary.  Wow.  The whole scene couldn’t have been worse for Hillary.  She should move somewhere with no reality television and no chance of syndication of this hour-long trip into the annals of reality television breakdown history.  She was talking about how she couldn’t breathe, but I think that’s because her dress was 6 sizes too small kinda like the Grinch’s heart at the beginning of the movie.    Then she told Brad how much she was falling for him and that she couldn’t believe she was going home without him in her arms.  Did she forget there were cameras?  I wouldn’t have that scene outside of a local Chili’s much less on ABC.  Wow Hillary.   And as Brad and his chosen four toast, Hillary was still outside bawling about the make-believe family date there would have been had Brad not thought she was such a good friend. 

 

Next week- Brad meets the four families.  It promises to be a rocking good time.