The Bachelor Recap: Tear-Wiping, Tire-Kicking, and Slut/Liars

After last week’s switcharoo, I figured there might be a letdown this week.  Sure, they promised us a two girls, one rose showdown between Deanna and Jade, but I mean after you have the heretofore unknown identical twin brother come in and pose as the Bachelor, you only get letdowns after that.  Does that mean I didn’t tune in this week, remote in hand, ready to rewind and catch all the embarrassing moments twice?  Don’t fool yourself.  I was in!

So to recap, there were three girls that hit the road last week.  Solisa the stripper being one.  However, there was the return of the pity rose as a crying Hilary got a rose right before they jumped back on the plane to the OC.  This week there were three dates: a one-on-one with Jenni, the aformentioned two girl date with Deanna and Jade, and then the rest of the girls got to go to an improv class with the Bachelor.  So let’s get to it, shall we?

Jenni got the one-on-one date box first.  After last week’s Hilary debacle, I think Brad probably took one of the producer’s children hostage and demanded some Cheetos, a drink that didn’t have alcohol in it, and some alone time with a girl who wasn’t likely to stab him in the neck while he slept.  As soon as Jade announced that Jenni got the date, the girls immediately retired to their individual interviews to make veiled insults or bitchy remarks about her.  Of course, if I can give Jenni a word of advice here, while in a room with the 8 other girls dating your boyfriend, don’t fall out into the floor with celebration when you get the solo date.  I know this isn’t something they usually go over in finishing school as it’s a strange situation in which to find yourself, but I’ve watched this show long enough to know that celebrating only leads to the other girls doing mean things to you like switching out your fat free Ranch dressing to the Original Ranch and telling Brad that you are only into him for his money.

Jenni and Brad’s date consisted of him picking her up in a helicopter and flying her to dinner on a rooftop.  I loved the helicopter.  All of the girls had to watch Jenni and Brad hanging all over each other while the wind created by the propellors messed their hair up and caused their skirts to fly up.  It made me miss Solisa.  Anyway, Brad and Jenni are whisked off in the helicopter.  Brad came dressed as Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice, or as Chandler on the Thanksgiving flashback episode where he gets his little toe chopped off.  You can decide.  Either way, it was a mistake.  Jenni wore a green dress that my brother’s girlfriend said looked like something that Audrina from the Hills would wear.  So apparently, it was Halloween in a helicopter.  All the girls noticed that the two of them hugged a little too long, and that their attraction for each other was undeniable.  I agree.  That Jenni would be one to watch, if they hadn’t put her out in the front from the very beginning.  Now I think she’ll do something crazy or her dad will physically threaten Brad and he will cut her.  Otherwise, they would make Jenni look like she had no chance.

After they left, Hillary (she of the pity rose) cried on Jade’s shoulder about how she felt like her boyfriend was cheating on her.  Again, Hillary is crying.  She is gonna strain a tear duct or something I swear.  In the course of her crying jag, she worries that Jenni is such a sexual person, or a closet freak…I don’t know.  Cut to Jenni and Brad sitting pretty much on top of each other in the helicopter.  Not much new happened on this date.  The two of them stared at each other adoringly and got along perfectly.  They cuddled on the couch, he gave her the rose, and then they made out.  Jenni’s interview was giggly and could have been annoying if you didn’t come away thinking that she really did like him…it was cute. 

And back at the house, McCarten and Deanna were shown bullying the other ladies in the house.  Deanna, who was one of the girls I thought could win it, really came off like a HUGE BITCH this episode.  She and Jade had an argument and of course the stage was set for the two of them to go on the elimidate later in the show.

The next date was the group date, which looked like adults going through an R-rated preschool class.  They called improv – whatever.  Of course, Hilary wanted to show that her emotional spectrum was more than just crying.  She can also be a crazy, silly girl.  She stole the show.   Bettina also told Brad she loved him for the first time.  It was just like in the movies – you know, in Titanic, when Rose told Jack she loved him for the first time, using a party hat as a megaphone?  You don’t?  You need to check the deleted scenes on your Collector’s Edition DVD.  Kristy made a really lame joke about her name being Sugar and she needed some spice (Crickets!) Which made Kristy cry.  She wants to show him that she can have fun and be crazy.  So since she couldn’t make anyone laugh, she cried, I guess.  Strategy?  Well, it did get her one on one time – it did NOT get her the date rose. Bettina got the rose.  Not because she loved him, but because she fought through her shyness to participate.  Then she cried in her interview.  Gees, people!

Then Jade and Deanna go to Brad’s house for a barbecue date.  Poor Jade still had not gotten the tangles out of her hair since the helicopter ride apparently.  It looked pretty bad.  They hate each other, and rather than Brad getting to know either of them well, Deanna shifted into one upper mode.  Jade:  I started working at 16.  Deanna:  I have been working since 14.  Jade:  I would move to Austin, I would love that.  Deanna:  I would move myself by carrying my dresser on my back.  Jade just got intimidated by DeAnna’s answers and didn’t say much.  After the one on one time, Brad kicks ol’ Jade to the curb. Jade cried as he told her goodbye and Brad wiped her tears.  That brings his tear-wiping count to at least 3 (Kristy, Jade and Hillary) in the season.  If this whole bar thing doesn’t work out, then he can get a job at Kleenex.   So Brad and DeAnna celebrate the breakup by hopping into the hot tub and making out.  See ya!  DeAnna stays in, but she has shown herself to be a mean girl this episode and while she’s still a fave to take home the promise ring, she moved down a couple notches for me. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are all saying that they would say yes to a proposal by Brad today – you know, after knowing him for 5 days – they are ready to spend forever with him.  Of course, Bettina isn’t so sure, having been divorced before.  This upsets Hillary, who compares Bettina and her divorce to being a used car that needs its tires kicked.  I don’t understand the metaphor either.

Back at the rose ceremony, DeAnna is saying catty things to the girls and then smelling her rose deliberately in their faces.  Brad reveals that Jenni was his first kiss on the show and that meant that she must be a slut and a liar, at least according to Bettina, but that could just be because someone has been kicking her tires all day and she has a headache.  Hillary thinks she is still in the running, but she stared at the camera with her crazy eyes and says that as long as she’s the last one he kisses, she is fine.  Sheena cries on the couch and told Brad that she was so moved to meet his brother in the dramatic switch-a-roo.  Sheena could be a dark horse.  She seems genuine, she keeps getting a rose and we don’t see much of her.  Hmmm.  Tracking.  Meanwhile Jenni handles the interrogation about her kiss from the other girls well, and even sneaks away to get some more kisses.  The two of them look like a couple who actually date where the other girls look like the awkward couples at a fraternity-sorority mixer.  More crying from McCarten, who is tired of sharing her man with others. 

Chris comes in with his champagne flute of death, signaling the end of the road for some of the girls.  DeAnna, Bettina and Jenni already had their roses and they were joined by Kristy the Kryer, Sheena the shy, and (Cue Virtual Chris Harrison: “Readers, this is the final rose of the episode ) Tire-Kicking Hillary. 

Stephy blamed the wall around her heart for not getting a rose.  McCarten mourned the loss of hers and Brad’s theoretical children.  DeAnna just twirls her rose and shoots McCarten the middle finger (Okay, I may have made that part up).

The previews promise Bettina being psycho, Sheena falling down, and Hillary having to leave the show in some sort of panic attack.  WHAT!?!? I have to wait a week?  Wow… Until next week.  This is Emma Brand, off to kick tires and belittle others.

The Bachelor: Pity Roses, Tears, and the Switcharoo!!

All right!  The Bachelor is back for ninety minutes, and tonight’s episode is the one where Brad, Chad, and the crafty producers of this show decide to pull the ol’ switcharoo…This is gonna be great!  On a related note, people, please do not name your twins rhyming names.  It’s just not good for anyone.

First, a couple of thoughts:  I was happy that Brad didn’t automatically keep the clumsy girl who fell down the stairs.  I don’t know that any of the other former Bachelors were gutsy enough to do that, and so I applaud you, Brad.  However, I don’t think any of us would have thought Brad less gallant for cutting Solisa who got so-drunk, so-nude, and so-crazy.  Oh well, we can’t all bat 1.000, can we?

First group date is the circus.  The circus date included a lot of participation on the part of the women and Brad, and they even got to play with the clowns and do fun tricks like walk the tight rope (which was about 5 inches off the ground), and watch Brad wear a really fancy coat complete with sequins.  Jenni even did a round off, back handspring, back tuck, just like at a high school pep rally.  During their one on one time, Brad and Jenni relive their kiss, and she tells him how important her dance career is to her.  I can tell that ol’ Brad is really loving him some Jenni. 

Steffy took her one on one time to tell Brad how much she loved her dad and this soliloquy was complete with tears.  Get used to the tears because that will become a theme of this episode.  Scoff if you want but she ended up getting the rose from this date because “she really put herself out there.”

As for the show, the ladies and Brad are introduced to the crowd, where Brad (“the sexiest bachelor yet”) introduces the actual Ring Master.  You could tell he had prepared a speech…Hahaha.  And that is when Brad - who has seemed the most normal guy, a good guy, a guy you would want to date, and even just hang out with – that’s when he made a reference to Titanic, because getting introduced at the Barnum and Bailey Circus made him feel like the King of the World…A couple more tool comments like that and his rankings could plummet.

McCarten is pulled out of the show, and she compares her relationship with Brad to the tight rope walk.  She has learned so much on this date…Wow.

Next Date Box: “Silly Hillary,” the nurse who wants to take Brad’s vitals gets the one on one.  All the other girls at the house immediately begin the eye-rolling and back-stabbing.  Wanna know how mad at least one of them was?  She did Hillary’s hair – poorly.  Hillary looked like a girl who wandered in from a White Snake video.  The dress they provided her was just one big black sequin, and they topped it off with some very expensive, borrowed jewelry that I can honestly say was the biggest waste of diamonds since J.Lo’s engagement rings.  Of course, before the Bachelor got there to present the jewelry, Chris Harrison gathered all the other girls to sit on the couch and watch. 

My theory is that Chris has many un-aired duties when it comes to this show.  We all see some of them:  Recapping what has happened thus far voice over at the beginning of every show.  The tink-tink-tink on his champagne flute to get the Bachelor out of the clutches of the girls at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  Taking us to commercial break by promising us that some women will continue on while others will end up alone, childless, and only have cats for friends.  And would anyone else know when there was only one rose left if Chris didn’t step in and inform them, “Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose this evening.”  But there is more to Chris’ role I think.  For instance, the gathering of the girls on the couch, or getting the borrowed jewelry off the neck of the lucky woman who got to borrow it for the 3 1/2 hour date, and who do you think shops for all the trinkets the girls go crazy over in the “date boxes”?  Oh, I think it’s one Mr. Chris Harrison.  Oh, yes.

Anyway, Hillary’s date.  Or as I like to call it, what would have happened in Pretty Woman if Richard Gere had picked up Kit instead of Vivian.  Of course, the date itself was straight out of the movie, private plane, borrowed jewelry, a night on the town, etc.  Only instead of relaxing and enjoying themselves over dinner, Hillary cried the whole time.  She would give up the jewelry if she could just fall “Crazy in Love.”  I kept waiting on Beyonce to come flying into the room in a gold dress.  After dinner, Brad continued in his role as “Hillary’s Tear-Wiper” as she continued to cry about how much she wanted to fall in love with him.  Of course, the girls at the house are all talking about how they hope Brad kicks Hillary and her jewelry to the curb on their date because more roses for them…Who says that they can’t do math?  As we return to what is quickly turning into a Kleenex commercial, Brad is handing her the rose.  Definitely a pity rose, but it made me wonder whether he would have had to ride back on the same plane with her after he dumped her…Maybe it was just him trying to avoid another uncomfortable situation.

Back at the house, the final date box arrived, and each of the girls going acted surprised when her name was called.  Really?  There are three dates total, 2 of which have already taken place.  So if you haven’t been on one - this date box (which was lovingly put together by Chris Harrison’s own two hands) – is for you.  The note just says “Come sail away with Me – Brad.  It was now that my brother’s girlfriend pointed out that for two weeks in a row, Solisa the stripper has been on a date where bathing suits play an integral part.  I bet Chris Harrison picks who goes on which dates too.  Good television, Chris.  Keep up the good work!

So they hopped aboard a pirate ship for a day of fun, liquor, and the rest of the girls.  Kristy is steering the boat during her alone time and it reminded me of the “Booze Cruise” episode of The Office where Dwight is out on the front of the boat steering with a fake wheel.  But I digress.  Kristy obviously impressed Brad because she eventually gets the rose from the date.

 But not before Solisa gave Brad a lap dance.  That girl just puts it right out there, doesn’t she?  I bet the congregation at her church has put her on permanent prayer list status, don’t you think?  Sheena took a different tact: possible disfigurement by Sea-Doo.  They even got pulled over by the Coast Guard.  And ol’ Bettina finally managed to get up the courage to tell Brad about her divorce.  She was afraid of how he would take it since Brad “doesn’t believe in divorce.”  Who does “believe in divorce?”  Maybe at Solisa’s church.

Back at the house, Hillary asks the rest of the girls which ones didn’t want her to come back (y’know, by a show of hands).  Of course, the two girls that dared raise their hands and tell her the truth, she calls “Straight up witches.”  What answer did she expect?

And now the Switcharoo!!  Whee!  So the plan is for Chad, the brother, to attend the cocktail party as Brad.  Brad is hoping that Chad can help him out and tell him which of the girls is genuine.  Brad is also hoping that the girls notice that it’s not him in the party.  You know why?  Because the two of them look remarkably different.  Sure, they tried to make them look more alike – their hair is combed the same way, Brad tells his brother little tidbits about the ladies, and of course Chris Harrison dressed them in matching suits and ties, but I don’t think Chad spends nearly as much time in the gym as his brother does, and there are all kinds of differences that you can spot.  But, let’s face it, the ladies in the house are not rocket scientists – they are acupuncutrists and estheticians and Phoenix Suns Dancers, so I could see where you could get away with it.  And on this show, you could put a suit on a monkey and these girls would fight over a rose.

I would like to go on the record that I thouroughly enjoyed the switcharoo twist.  But Chad was on the show for about the last half hour, and in that time, there were a couple of staged conversations that just killed me.  The worst offender had to be the one where they were having a beer, and Brad posed the idea of Chad being him for the cocktail party as if Chad didn’t know what he was there to do…Please!  You showed up at the house dressed in the exact same outfit as your brother!  It just lets you know how stupid ABC must think we are…Stop setting up these conversations and show me more crazy girls!!  That’s why we tune in…Phew.  I feel better.

So the cocktail party was Chad running the gauntlet of ladies who have been placed around the house, I would guess so that the camera crew could tell him the girl’s name before he got there.  The first few didn’t know it was an imposter.  McCarten and Lindsey had no clue.   Sheena was the first one to notice and said that Chad didn’t have the weird patch of hair on his ear…Points for noticing it wasn’t Brad.  Points off for telling me more about Brad’s hair patterns that I ever wanted to know.  Also points off for crying…more damn crying.  Kristy also nailed it right off the bat.  Steffy could tell by the teeth, or she was really drunk…she wasn’t sure.  Sarah had no clue, other than to say that her alone time today was “different.”  Ya think?  Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I saw Jenni the whole cocktail party…why was that?

Anyway, onto the rose ceremony.  The 3 ladies who went home weren’t hard to see coming necessarily.  Sheena, McCarten, Jenni, Jade, DeAnna, and Bettina joined Steffy, Kristy, and Hillary as the proud owners of thorny flowers.  Lindsey, Sarah, and So-Long Solisa hit the road this episode.  Solisa cried, saying that she wears her special parts on the outside and he just didn’t see what he wanted.  Note to Solisa: Your “special parts” aren’t supposed to be on the outside, please put your top back on.

Lindsey tells the camera she wasn’t gonna cry.  And then she walked off camera to cry.  Hmmm.  She then did the rest of the interview from the side, whilst crying.  Next week: one on one showdown between Jade and DeAnna.  Only one can get the rose.  The claws come out, and it promises to be some excellent reality television.  WHEEE!!