The Hills: Finale

Okay, so let’s get to the Hills finale, shall we?  I know, I know, it has been a stinking long time since you last heard from me.  There has been work, and a trip with my best friend EVER, and holiday parties complete with Dirty Santa, but I know what you really want to know about right now are some Hills thoughts…So here we go – and let’s go by character, shall we?

Lisa Love – Seriously? This is the woman who is supposed to help teens find their “fashion voice” or whatever you call it?  She is a poor man’s Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada, isn’t she?  And who didn’t absolutely know that Lauren was gonna get to go to Paris once she made that comment about “I think Lauren had her chance to go to Paris.”  Come on, Lisa!

Audrina – Worthless this episode, but while we are here, when you go out with a hot Australian guy like that, shouldn’t you be a little bit concerned about the thing on his lip?  I mean, that is a sign of a certain STD, right?  Get that boy some Valtrex or at least get me an explanation…

Lo – Where are you?  Why have you left me with no Lo goodness to tide me over?  I miss you Lo, because I, too, enjoy judging people…

Brody – Good work on the shaved head.  I think that is an excellent look for you.  I love your curls, but you tend to wait about ten days too long for a haircut when you’re growing it out, so the shaved head, I can get on board with…But when it comes to Lauren, you need to piss or get off the pot.  You know you want to date this girl, she makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, you’re both beautiful people, and she can get you air-time on a reality show on MTV.  For you, she is the total package.  But you are playing the strategy game.  As long as you two are “just friends” albeit with privileges, you can take full advantage of your “fame” and date around without Lauren banishing you to the land of Speidi…I smell what you’re cooking Brody.

Whitney – This episode really showcased Whitney in all of her awkward, face-making glory.  She is excited to go to Paris, but knows that Lauren is going to wanna go to.  Sweet, adorable little Whitney feels awkward, and it leads her to make some hilarious faces, and to stick her foot in her mouth around Lauren, like by asking if she had ever been to Paris “this time of year.” To which Lauren, all feeling sorry for herself and pouty has to turn to Whitney and say, “No, I’ve never been - ever.”  Hee.  Awkward Whitney is hilarious.

Heidi – about time you grew some courage there, buddy.  You told him not to leave, and he left.  You are “going home for a while” which is only going to lead to the whole I told you so lecture from the parents, but you got that coming anyway.  Heidi is the poster child for all of us who are glad that our early 20s weren’t documented by MTV cameras.  Who didn’t date that guy who you just knew was the one, but who now makes your skin crawl with just the memory of it all?  Now imagine that guy is Spencer…I know, Heidi will be lucky to get through this…Take some time, girl.

Spencer – Dropping by work?  Nope. Shouldn’t have left your girl at the apartment.  You know? The one where you spray painted the walls, moved in all sorts of arcade games, and a jelly fish tank.  Seriously, you live in an apartment not the local mall, buddy.  Maybe if you hadn’t spent all that money on jelly fish, you could have afforded an actual diamond…Geez.  Now your fifteen minutes are up.  Heidi’s gonna make up with Lauren (or not), but once that relationship is over, you are off of this show…and let’s just say that big teeth and a resemblance to Beavis never landed anyone a spin-off…See ya!

Lauren – off to Paris, no boyfriend, but happy to have made the decisions you have.  Good for you.  I look forward to your next season of work, your happy return, more flirtations with Brody, and your eventual lapse into quiet obscurity as the first 28 year-old still working at Teen vogue.  Come 2017, Lauren is gonna take home the disco ball trophy on Dancing With the Stars.  You heard it here first…

And as for the big announcement?  We get to see Lauren in Paris…it wasn’t the season finale after all!! Happy Holidays everyone!

The Hills: Now it’s just getting Ridiculous- In a Good Way

You know, for a show that I can honestly say that I REALLY look forward to, I don’t write about the episodes of The Hills nearly enough.  Sure, I will pass along what I see as far as the fact that clearly this show is staged, fake, scripted almost, but as far as talking about the reason that everyone cares that it’s fake (because the show itself is AWESOME!), I don’t do that enough.  So here you go.  I enjoyed last night’s episode immensely!

First, how about the “she-pratt” reference.  We don’t get to see Spencer’s sisters (even though he’s referenced them before) for the three seasons we’ve had the pleasure of knowing Spencer, and then Audrina “sees her” at some club, she and Lauren talk about it, and then lo and behold, there is the sister with her roommate threatening Brody to not hang out with LC and for LC to stop hating on ol’ Heidi.  I picture that scene being set up a lot the same way that Daniel Larusso was set up to beat up that guy at the club in Karate Kid III.  You know?  Where the millionaire quit his business to ruin the life of an 18 year-old and he gives that guy $50 to hit on Daniel-san’s fake girlfriend?  You don’t?  Whatever, that movie is a classic.

The beauty of this whole exchange is that we get to see the She-Pratt tell her brother all about it the next day.  And it isn’t the actual description of the events that is great so much as this conversation reveals the following salient details: (1) Spencer and Heidi had their electricity turned off after not paying the electric bill for SIX MONTHS! and that is what killed all the jellyfish (All together now:AWWWW).  I would have thought they died from fear of Spencer’s huge chiclet teeth, and (2) Spencer’s sister is an ordained minister.  No for real, she got it over the internet.  Wow!  Heidi immediately turns a little green as she tries to explain politely why she doesn’t want the she-Pratt to officiate her wedding.  I mean, I can’t make this stuff up…Somebody clearly can, but I couldn’t!

Anyway, let’s spend a moment on Audrina: this tree-hugging, granola-eating, turban-wearing guy that she’s seeing has clearly out-kicked his coverage here.  I don’t know why Audrina likes him.  From all appearances, his best feature is that he can grow facial hair and turn any bedsheet into a hat that he will wear to a club.  He has desserted her in Vegas.  He left her at a beach party (at least he left her helmet for her), and last night he was kissing a girl at the bar in front of Audrina.  So after a minor meltdown in the club, Justin-Bobby gets her outside the club, by a dumpster, and keeps asking her to get in the back of the car…Now, as it turns out, that isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, but geez.  Audrina left Lauren and Brody at the club to jump in this car.  Sure, she tells her “friend at work” that she just left him at his apartment, but I ain’t buying that.

They ended the night with Audrina saying it was over, but I don’t believe that.  Just overall, a fun episode to watch.  You know what would have made it better?  I need some Lo in my life.  That girl is just great.

From Magical, to Staged, to Just Downright Sad

I have posted extensively (okay thrice) about how The Hills, your favorite show and mine, is probably somewhat staged, if not all the way fake.  And then this story comes down the pipe that has left me scratching my head.  I may be a little late on this one, but with actual work to do, college football yesterday, etc. I wasn’t surfing the internet aimlessly for something to catch my interest.  But if I had been, I would have seen this little gem on E!  Heidi and Spencer are casting for their wedding?!? Seriously?  They are even casting the part of Heidi’s maid of honor.  In the immortal words of Elodie, “It’s just so sad.”

I think it’s clear that ol’ Heidi and Spencer have had a fall from grace.  Spencer is a douche, Heidi took his side over Lauren’s, and so it is understandable that they have less friends now than they used to.  I get all of that.  But when you don’t even have one, single person to stand up with you?  That is pretty bad.  I have been in more weddings than I would like to remember, which is a thankless job even if it is “an honor” but I have always been under the impression that you just have to say yes when someone asks you to do it.  I mean, for real, does Heidi not even have a sister?

It seems like things are rolling downhill in a bad way for Heidi.  I mean, when you lose your bestfriend, your co-workers’ trust, and then you move in with a guy who decorated your apartment with graffiti and a jellyfish tank, then you know your life is going in the wrong direction- especially when said guy looks like the love child of Beavis and Dracula.

It’s just so sad.  I mean, three years ago, you were in school, starring with your “best friend” on a new reality show about “making it” in LA.  Now you’re a fashion school dropout, you got no friends, and you’re living with that guy above, which has turned you into someone so unpopular that you are having to pay an actress to be your maid of honor.  It’s not too late to turn it around Heidi.  Call me and ask me.  I ain’t rude enough to say no to you…

 

 

Because they Aren’t Just Richer than You, They’re MAGICAL!!

I just finished watching the latest episode of The Hills.  And I am about to make a lot of fun of this show, so before I do, let me just give a couple of quick disclaimers.  First, I absolutely love this show.  It is always a show I watch and continue to watch for the 3700 other re-runs they put on after its original showing on Monday night.  Secondly, this show remains in my favorites because of the absolute comedy that arises from nowhere.  Its beauty is in its details.  For instance, where would we be without Lo dropping little gems like, “I love to judge people” or if Audrina didn’t date a guy whose name was Justin, but who goes by Bobby?  No explanation as to where the Bobby part came from or anything.  He just looked at Lauren and Lo as though it should just be understood and accepted – like gravity.  Amazing.  I love this show because you don’t have to take it too seriously, nor should you.  These are a group of 20 and 21 year-old kids, whose parents are footing the bill while they run around L.A. having barbecues at the beach and drinking at Les Deux.

But it is supposed to be a “reality” show no matter how skewed this reality is.  Part of the beauty is the fantasy, the nice cars, and the fact that though these people are in college, at a time in life where most of us ate Ramen Noodles, sought out dollar beer night, and celebrated finding a 20 in our jeans while Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Brody, and Speidi do whatever they want with seemingly no thought about the money.  Fine.

But what is with the shoddy editing?  Seriously, Spencer’s magical beard?  One minute, he’s got the wolfman scruff and he’s arguing with Heidi about dinner plans, the next second, he’s in the car all baby-faced and looking like Beavis, and in the next scene, he’s got scruff again.  Then, what about Brody and his “cast” this year?  In the Las Vegas episode, there was no cast – you know what I’m talking about, that claw thing on his hand from where Lauren broke his finger at one of his many barbecues.  In Vegas, it was gone.  This week the claw was back, then gone completely, then there was some sort of wrist brace, and then back to no aparatus on his hand by the end of the episode…I don’t get it.

So instead of believing the good people of The Hills are messing with me, I am choosing to believe that they are magical.  It’s really the only way I can see continuing to live my life.  Feel free to make your own choices.

On a related note, how much fun is it to see Heidi and Spencer fight?  Heidi’s “I’ll be at work, why don’t you try it?” was just an amazing moment for me.  I didn’t know she had it in her.  Seriously, Spencer, get a job.  Getting denied over and over because your girl has a “job” which involves long hours at clubs and holding a clipboard could free you up to do other things.  Not like hang out with your friends because you screwed all of them over.  But you could get a pet, or start collecting stamps, or something.  Just stop showing up – all creepy and unshaven at odd times during the day.  It doesn’t make you look cool.

And if I may make a plea for more Lo please.  She cracks me up.  That is all for now.  I love this show – magical or not, real or fake.  I heart The Hills.