The Office Quoteability: Branch Wars

 Aaaaaannnnddd, we’re back.  Sorry for the brief lay-off.  I am hoping to go back and pick up the two episodes that I have missed, but it’s been crazy on the weekends here. 

I thought this episode was a pretty solid B.  It was a little wacky- even for the Office, but this show can’t hit it out of the park every week.  I also missed Creed, Angela, and Kevin this week.  But you will never hear me complain about seeing Stanley.  And I think we saw him smile for the first time since Pretzel Day, so that was a plus.  Dwight peeing in the can and that whole exchange was pretty great, too.  So without further ado, here are you Ten Quotes, with an Honorable Mention tacked onto the end.

1. The eyes are the groin of the head. – Dwight K. Schrute 

2. Wanted: middle-aged black man with sass.  Big butt, bigger heart…I can’t do this. -Michael Scott

3. Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.  – Oscar

4. I am gonna miss you man.  You’ve been like an uncle to me.  Like a kind, old Uncle Reemus. – Andy Bernard

5. You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office.  Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary: the bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crosswords puzzles, the smile, those big watery, red eyes.  I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left. – Michael Scott

6. Fun? Really?  What was fun about it for you?  Was it the death of the twins? – Toby Flenderson

7. Take her to a motel and make love to her.  Just say you wanna get back together.  It doesn’t have to mean anything.  Just do it for Stanley.  Just climb on top of her and think of Stanley. -Michael Scott

8.  The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office.  Naturally, it’s where I need to be.  The Party Planning Committee is my backup and Kevin’s band is my safety. -Andy Bernard

9. If we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with the jumbo chalk. – Dwight Schrute

10. How on earth did Michael call my bluff?  Is he some sort of genius?  Heh Heh Heh.  Sometimes I say crazy things. – Stanley

 Honorable Mention:

• We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you. – Michael Scott

• So, the deal was, Dwight doesn’t blow anything up, and I wear a costume…and a moustache. – Jim Halpert

• Jim, if this is it for me – host the Dundees. -Michael Scott

• Do you like magic?  Because I am a genie in a bottle and I’m going to grant you three wishes: to move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend. – Michael Scott

The Office Quoteability: Launch Party

This episode was solid.  I loved that Angela was back to being her bitchy self that makes her so funny, and that Phyllis was googling ways to handle her.  I enjoyed that this episode utilized most of the cast (even though I missed Creed).  From Meredith asking Jim to sign her cast, to Pam and Jim back to pranking Dwight to Andy serenading Angela with his harmony brought to him by speaker phone.  Of course, I thought that the kidnapping plot twist was a little too much.  But overall, it was great.  I am really looking forward to Dwight and Andy going back to being mortal enemies next week as they fight over Angela.

Without further delay, this week’s Ten Best Quotes (with an Honorable Mention tacked on):

1. It’s like eating a hot circle of garbage.  -Kevin 

2. It appears that the website has become alive.  This happens to computers and robots sometimes.  Am I scared of a stupid computer?  Please.  The computer should be scared of me.  I have been salesman of the month at this company for 13 out of the last 12 months.  You heard me right.  I did so well last February, that Corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise. -Dwight K. Schrute

3. While you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything.  And mastered the violin.   Oh, and sold more paper. -Jim Halpert as the Computer

4. Okay, Wow!  Easy boosterseat.  Nobody cares about this party anyway. – Michael Scott 

5. I’ve been working on a party for 3 weeks that just got thrown out the window, so now I have to pull together a whole new party.  And my worthless number 2 quit so now there is no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing made of ice.  And my upper back itches and it has itched all day and I can’t reach it.  And Kevin had Greek food for lunch again. -Angela 

6. Plan a party, Angela.  Oh, and the entire world will see it.  Oh, and here’s $65 for your budget.  Oh, and here’s four idiots who will do nothing but slow you down.  Oh, and your cat’s still dead. – Angela 

7. You know what this is like?  I’ll tell you what this is like.  It’s like when the freshmen would throw a party and they wouldn’t let the seniors come.  -Michael Scott

8. They say you should never mix business with pleasure.  Really? Then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company works. – Andy Bernard 
9. Tie goes to the girlfriend. -Pam Beesley

10. Phyllis, these are spoons.  Spoons have rounded tops and are used to scoop things.  What we need are forks which have prongs, or tiny spears on top.  And we need knives which have blades.  Do you understand me now?  Goodie. -Angela

HONORABLE MENTION:

• How do you tell someone it’s over?  You send them a notarized letter, right?  But what if the recipient is your notary? -Angela

• You looking for dinner and a movie because you’re not gonna find it in that box. -Andy Bernard

• Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.  It’s very complicated.  It’s caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who are already both prone to unpleasantness. – Pam Beesley

• No! No! I’m an adult.  I don’t have to think or do anything! -Michael Scott

• Hey I just think you should know that one of my salesman beat your computer!  So take that, Asshole! -Michael Scott

The Office Quoteability: Dunder Mifflin Infinity

Welcome back, folks for the second installment of The OfficeQuoteability.  Tonight’s episode was cool.  Lots of details thrown in the mix, like Ryan in his role as the boss, Kelly faking a pregnancy (complete with an awesome shake of the head!) to get back together with him, and I almost lost my mind when Creed came walking in the door with his hair dyed black.  Again, tonight’s episode was extremely Michael-centric and we also got our first presentation from Michael of the season – recycling the pictures of Ben Kingsley and the Big picture.  Classic.  But on with the quotes.  If I’ve left any out, feel free to contribute your own in the comments.

1. We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young.  And we called him my brother and that’s what I thought he was.  Uuhm, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia taking all of my blue jeans with him and I had to spend the entire winter in shorts.  That is what Ryan is like.  A fake brother who steals your jeans. – Michael Scott 

2. It’s not a surprise to me.  Pam is the office mattress. - Angela 

3. Hey bro.  I’ve been meaning to ask you – can we get some Red Bull for these things?  Sometimes a guy’s gotta ride the bull, am I right?  Later, skater. – Creed 

4. He has a killer job.  He’s rich.  He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like.  He wears really cool rich guy clothes.  So sorry Tuna, but if you don’t know why that’s awesome, then you need awesome lessons. – Andy Bernard

5. There’s been a lot of talk about new ideas today.  Well new ideas are fine, but they are also illegal. – Michael Scott

6. It’s a feral barn cat, and I’m giving it to you for the one I destroyed.  And his name is garbage.  Mose calls him garbage because he likes to eat garbage…Garbage can be very helpful, he’s a useful cat.  He killed an entire family of raccoons.” -Dwight K. Schrute

7. Sorry, I didn’t see you guys were in here…Well, I couldn’t see your hands.  Pam, By the way, I’m glad that you’re dating, but when a new client calls you just have to randomly assign them to a salesperson, you can’t base who gets new clients on who you’re sleeping with that week. – Phyllis Vance (Vance Refrigeration)

8. Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on that said, “Dude, we’re friends.  I’m doing this for appearances I am the big boss now and I have to seem like an ogre, but you know me and you trust me and we like each other and we’ll always be friends and I would never take you for granted in a million years and I miss you, man and I love you…His words.” – Michael Scott

9. I’ll make a reservation.  No, no,  I’ll cook for you: cauliflower and noodles, with a baked potato on the side. – Dwight K. Schrute

10. Many cultures revere old people because of their story telling ability, like the old lady from Titanic, or the funny things they can do like “Where’s the Beef?” -Michael Scott

Honorable Mention:

• In the end life and business are about human connections and computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.  And to me the choice is easy. -Michael Scott 

• Is this about me and Jan in my office?  Because I will have you know that that was consensual and what we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here I don’t think anyone heard anything.  What we did was very discreet and most people had left by that point. -Michael Scott

• He’s back and he’s with a beard.  He has facial hair.  Look at him.  All grown up and no place to go.  Hello, Sonny Crockett.  This is Tubbs. -Michael Scott

• You know what?  Love the beard.  Keep it forever. -Jan Levinson

• Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love.  This is good.  This is really good.  My heart soars with the eagle’s nest. – Michael Scott

• “WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!?! WHERE ARE THEY?!?” -Michael Scott

• What have we learned? We’ve learned that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  Because it’s illegal. – Michael Scott

• Ryan thinks technology is the answer.  Well, I just drove my car into a lake.  I drove my car into a F___ing lake.  Why, you may ask, did I do this?  Well, because of a machine.  A machine told me to drive my car into a lake. -Michael Scott

• Why don’t we go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship? -Michael Scott

Office Quoteability: Fun Run

First of all, just let me say, welcome back, fall.  Between  fall television- actual new episodes of my favorite shows, the possibility that my already obscene television schedule could become more cramped with the addition of some of the new shows this fall, the slight nip in the air, and SEC football ramping up - it all means this is time to get excited, folks.  As wonderful as all of the television has been this week, though, I was looking forward to Thursday night most of all.  And mainly because I was so excited for the premeire of The Office.  Such an excellent show: legitimately funny, an original take for a sitcom (yes, I know it was adapted from the British version), and the character development is spot-on!  But the quoteability of this show is unmatched by anything on television right now.  At some point, I want to attempt to tackle what is my all-time favorite quote list, but I just don’t have the energy or the time tonight to do it justice. 

That being said, I wanted to begin this season with what I hope will become a running series of posts on The Office.  I want to give you a list of my favorite quotes/one-liners/exchanges from this week’s episode.  So here we go.  My favorite quotes from “Fun Run”:

The Top Ten:

1. I gave him a ride home because…We’re dating!  – Pam Beesley (This one actually made me squeal like a little girl at an R. Kelly party)

2. I’m not superstious – I’m a little stitious. – Michael Scott

3. I have been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower.  It’s more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. – Creed 

4. (Phone Rings)  Michael Scott Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race for the Cure this is Pam. – Pam Beesley

5. Guess what? I have flaws.  What are they? Oh I don’t know.  I sing in the shower.  Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering.  Occasionally, I’ll hit somebody with my car.  So sue me.  No, don’t sue me.  That is the opposite of the point I am trying to make.  – Michael Scott

6. Don’t be sad.  She’s in a better place.  Actually, the place she is in is in the freezer…because of the odor.  – Dwight K. Schrute

7. Is there a God?  If not, what are all these churches for?  And who is Jesus’ dad? – Michael Scott

8. It (rabies) is truly the silent killer.  No, it is the foaming, barking killer. – Michael Scott

9. I would like you to accept this check, for $340, made out to “Science.”  Please make sure it gets into the right hands.  – Michael Scott

10. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit.  Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body.  And that’s why everybody was applauding for me at the end.  My guts, and my heart.  And while I eventually puked my guts out.  I never puked my heart out, and I’m very proud of that. – Michael Scott

 Honorable Mention:

• I’m a Lutheran and Bob’s a Unitarian.  It keeps things spicy… -Phyllis

• I’m fast.  I’m very fast.  I’m like Forrest Gump.  Only I’m not an idiot. – Michael Scott

• Michael, 5K means 5 kilometers, not 5,000 miles. -Pam Beesley

• I’m petrified of nipple chafing.  – Andy Bernard

You might note that this week is extremely heavy on the Michael Scott quotes.  There are reasons for this.  As a whole, Michael’s character, who is played by Steve Carrell (who is amazing) is just a quotable guy.  Also, I think this episode was very Michael-centric.  Obviously, the big talk for this episode will always be that this was the one where we finally learned that Pam and Jim were together, and as I said before, it made me extremely happy.  However, Michael was all over the place here in this one.

Also,  I am gonna need me some more Dwight K. Schrute.  He was subdued and highly absent for a lot of this episode.  He and Angela seemed strained and weird (even for them).  Give me more Jim tormenting Dwight.  Give me some Andy kissing Dwight’s hind parts, and let’s get some more of the Schrute going on.

Other than those minor complaints – amazing episode!  Can’t wait for next week!