Girlicious…Oh, That’s Right

I know that it’s been a while since I gave you a good blog about some ridiculous television, but even though I had lapsed into semi-retirement, one phenomenon has got me blogging again.  No, it isn’t Coral and Beth’s Gauntlet showdown (even though that was hilarious!) It’s the brand new show, “Girlicious” on the CW.  It is a spinoff from “The Next Pussycat Doll” show from last year.  Now, I know I am on record as having boycotted that show, but that was before I was informed that they eliminated girls by having them…wait for it…hang up their pink boa!!!  I mean I am all for the regular catch phrase eliminations…You’re fired, You didn’t get a rose, Your tour ends here…but the feather boa idea just took it to an amazing level…I was so happy to get a second chance to get in on this action, because let’s face it, that show ain’t coming to DVD any time soon.  So I was excited to catch Girlicious last night in its entirety.The set-up: Robin Antonin is the “mastermind” behind the Pussy Cat Dolls (PCD) success.  She looks like Fergie and talks like Joey Tribbiani’s agent, Estelle.  She will be assisted by a super-gay choreographer with an attitude, a vocal coach whose resume includes working with Jennifer Lopez and the Spice Girls (so you know he can polish a turd), and the big kicker: the show is hosted by Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray fame…It is just a perfect setup for unintentional comedy.  We begin with the semi-finals, 15 girls, but only 12 can collect their feather boas (yes!) and move into the Girlicious loft.  As we meet the 15 girls, we learn that they each are willing to give their sob stories (dead dad, heart surgery, etc.), or share an inappropriate tattoo (cherries on her hoo-ha, really?), or that they are a lesbian, but they ALL like to “party.”  Of course they do…They split the 15 girls into 5 groups of 3 so I want to thank the production assistant who managed to help Robin with her division.  The girls then chose their group’s track for auditions by pulling the song off a board that have been performed by successful, groundbreaking girl groups like the Supremes or En Vogue…I am telling you, watching this show is just 60 minutes of pure entertainment.Of course, as we cut to the training sessions, the girls all have tension within their groups…One girl (in the “We got the beat” group) is a weak dancer (Charlotte), and asked how she felt about it, her fellow band member says that it’s okay but she just knows that some are slower than others….(Awww, snap!)…Hard to look cool when you are learning to dance while singing into your water bottle I guess.  But fear not, Charlotte, all the groups are having trouble.  I mean, Jenna has cramps, and Carrie’s look, according to Jack McFarland is “just tragic.”  So stick with it, girl.After a full day of auditions, the girls are invited to the super-exclusive Interscope Records Tom-Tom Club for a night out (Insert my “what club? face” and squealing in the background by the girls).  Of course, when they are only given 15 minutes to get ready, you knew there was going to be some major drama.  Here comes Charlotte again…She wants to borrow some boots from Natalie.  Natalie won’t let her because she wants to hurt her competition…and “it’s not like anyone said, ‘Hey Natalie, pack boots for Charlotte’” Eye roll.  It’s at this point while watching the show, that you may feel like your life has reached an all-time low because you are on your couch watching a group of teenage girls fight over a pair of boots.  Push through that feeling, folks, and remind yourself that it is only by putting others down that we can feel good about ourselves.Okay, to the Tom-Tom Club.  I am not really sure that this is anything more than a warehouse with a karaoke machine and a stage.  They show the girls coming in where there is no crowd, a short “red carpet” that I am pretty sure was a doormat at a large building 30 minutes ago and a rope line that was holding no one out.  When they get in there, the only people there were Robin, Jack McFarland, Sugar Ray, and (gasp!) Nelly Furtado.  Bring on the karaoke!The girls all clap and squeal.  Carrie is particularly excited because where she is from they used to call her “Carrie-oke.”  Aren’t you glad you pushed through?  These people actually exist and are wandering the streets.  So the next time you lock your keys in your car or forget to turn off the stove, remember that there are plenty of people dumber than you, and they think they are the next Einstein.In an attempt to make them all more embarrassed, the girls are forced to sing songs by PCD, Sugar Ray, and Nelly Furtado…in front of the artist who recorded it.  Get it? OMG, like, how embarrassing.  Meanwhile, they flash to Nelly Furtado who has a look on her face that says she is mentally composing her suicide note in which she blames her agent for booking her on this show and ponders where exactly her career went wrong.More drama: Jenna has a cyst that almost ruptured and she showed up the next day in her wheelchair.  If you thought the dance was ridiculous before, watching Jenna roll around to “Where did our love go” was amazing…Meanwhile, Charlotte is having a tough time with her choreography and blames not having Natalie’s boots for it…Robin is not pleased.Performance Time:Let me just say that up until their performances, not a single harmony had sounded on at all in any of the rehearsals.  But hell if all of them weren’t right on during this segment.  Now, I am not big on conspiracy theories, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some serious voice over work going on…The eliminations were pretty uneventful.  Robin announced the people moving on with a standard “Congratulations.”  I am ready for the feather boas, but that’s next week…At the end of the night, the remaining 12 picked up their feather boas and danced around on stage with them…amazing…All but Charlotte, Keshia, and Kristin moved on.  They will NOT be in Girlicious.  I think all three of them will look back on this elimination as a happy time…But maybe that’s just me.   

The Hills: Now it’s just getting Ridiculous- In a Good Way

You know, for a show that I can honestly say that I REALLY look forward to, I don’t write about the episodes of The Hills nearly enough.  Sure, I will pass along what I see as far as the fact that clearly this show is staged, fake, scripted almost, but as far as talking about the reason that everyone cares that it’s fake (because the show itself is AWESOME!), I don’t do that enough.  So here you go.  I enjoyed last night’s episode immensely!

First, how about the “she-pratt” reference.  We don’t get to see Spencer’s sisters (even though he’s referenced them before) for the three seasons we’ve had the pleasure of knowing Spencer, and then Audrina “sees her” at some club, she and Lauren talk about it, and then lo and behold, there is the sister with her roommate threatening Brody to not hang out with LC and for LC to stop hating on ol’ Heidi.  I picture that scene being set up a lot the same way that Daniel Larusso was set up to beat up that guy at the club in Karate Kid III.  You know?  Where the millionaire quit his business to ruin the life of an 18 year-old and he gives that guy $50 to hit on Daniel-san’s fake girlfriend?  You don’t?  Whatever, that movie is a classic.

The beauty of this whole exchange is that we get to see the She-Pratt tell her brother all about it the next day.  And it isn’t the actual description of the events that is great so much as this conversation reveals the following salient details: (1) Spencer and Heidi had their electricity turned off after not paying the electric bill for SIX MONTHS! and that is what killed all the jellyfish (All together now:AWWWW).  I would have thought they died from fear of Spencer’s huge chiclet teeth, and (2) Spencer’s sister is an ordained minister.  No for real, she got it over the internet.  Wow!  Heidi immediately turns a little green as she tries to explain politely why she doesn’t want the she-Pratt to officiate her wedding.  I mean, I can’t make this stuff up…Somebody clearly can, but I couldn’t!

Anyway, let’s spend a moment on Audrina: this tree-hugging, granola-eating, turban-wearing guy that she’s seeing has clearly out-kicked his coverage here.  I don’t know why Audrina likes him.  From all appearances, his best feature is that he can grow facial hair and turn any bedsheet into a hat that he will wear to a club.  He has desserted her in Vegas.  He left her at a beach party (at least he left her helmet for her), and last night he was kissing a girl at the bar in front of Audrina.  So after a minor meltdown in the club, Justin-Bobby gets her outside the club, by a dumpster, and keeps asking her to get in the back of the car…Now, as it turns out, that isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, but geez.  Audrina left Lauren and Brody at the club to jump in this car.  Sure, she tells her “friend at work” that she just left him at his apartment, but I ain’t buying that.

They ended the night with Audrina saying it was over, but I don’t believe that.  Just overall, a fun episode to watch.  You know what would have made it better?  I need some Lo in my life.  That girl is just great.

The Bachelor Recap: He did WHAT?!?

Okay, so here is your somewhat belated Bachelor post.  As an added bonus and an apology for being so late, I am going to include commentary about the After the Final Rose show.  So here we go.

First, a list of Ways that Watching the Bachelor Finale Can Be Ruined:

1. Include your brother, who has not watched the show much, thinks Brad is a tool, and sits on the couch flipping through an Us magazine the whole time whilst making snide remarks about the way Brad talks.

2. Feel as though your getting gypped because the episode is only 58 minutes long and does not include a shower scene with Brad.

3. Brad proves your brother right at the end of the show giving him five minutes’ worth of “told you so” commentary, which is followed by you wishing Brad hadn’t wasted everyone’s time.

 Chris Harrison quickly recaps this season.  Basically, Brad met 25 women and now there are two left.  I really think Chris Harrison has the easiest job in the world sometimes…but I’ve given Chris a pretty hard time.   So as we tune into see who is going home crying, I will try to keep the Chris jokes to a minimum if possible. Plus, I would hate to take out my bitterness toward Brad on Chris.  That’s like having a bad game of Guitar Hero and taking it out on your secretary at work.  It’s just uncool (the taking it out on your secretary, not Guitar Hero because it’s completely cool).

No shower scene this episode, but we do get a scene of Brad looking out over his deck pondering his future.  That’s when his two brothers and mom show up.  I think we should pause for a moment of silence in honor of the Brother who isn’t Chad.  He’s got two siblings who are chiseled, well-built, well-dressed millionaires, and he looks like the lead singer from Smashmouth.  That is him in the front of that picture.

Brad describes DeAnna as an independent woman.  Do you think that Brad takes all of his descriptions of these women from Destiny’s Child songs?  I, for one think Beyonce is a genius, but I would hope the guy in my life would come up with something on his own…Anyway, Chad makes lame joke that he is Brad, Mom tells DeAnna that she is just gonna call her DD because she can’t remember her name, or some such.  From what I could tell, the family time consisted of a champagne lunch, a stroll with Mama, and ended with Brad and his brothers jumping fully clothed into the pool.  During the Mama chat, DD tells Mama that she is falling in love with her son.  While DD is telling Mama that she is so in love, Brad is back at the pool with his brothers telling them how confused he is.  Hindsight is 20/20 and all but this should have raised the red flag.  All in all, it looked like the whole thing took about 20 minutes.  In fact, it probably took me longer to type this than their date did.  Brad tells DD that his family loved her “of course.” 

“Of course” and “at all” are Brad’s fall back phrases.  Throughout the seasons of the Bachelor, there have always been words and phrases  that are overused.  “Amazing,” ”connection,” “most dramatic rose ceremony ever” to name a few, but Brad’s “of course” and “at all” usage is off the charts.  I don’t know why it bugs me, but I suspect it has something to do with Brad wasting my time for months now.  Blech.

Date #2 is Jenni.  Jenni is all happy and cheerleader-y.  And the producer gives Smashmouth the sign so he can ask, “When do we get to meet this Jenni?” and the knock on the door would happen at that exact moment.  All of the Womacks have a nice, hearty laugh and it looked like the final scene on an episode of the Brady Bunch or something (nope, not bitter “at all”).  Brad hugs her and then proceeds to his constant fixing of hair before introducing her to his family.  Mama asks the awkward question of whether Jenni has told her son she loves him yet, to which Jenni says no and then starts into her machine gun laugh that she does when she’s nervous, or happy, or really just breathing.  It was then that Mama takes Jenni on the walk and gets down to business.  Mama says if Jenni marries Brad she will be marrying his family and that she’d tell Brad yes if he proposed.  Something like, “Yes, I love you, let’s go now!” Insert machine gun laugh here.  I am pretty sure the vases on the table were rattling.  The whimsical brothers had found a football by the time they got back out there, and Jenni shows off her catching ability.  I guess they were out of dry clothes for them to repeat the pool scene they had with DD.

Brad and Mama then go on a walk in which Brad tells Mama how confused he is, and how when he is with DD he thinks of Jenni and vice versa.  Red Flag #2.  Brad is worried that he is gonna break two hearts (of course, we know now that he will, but it isn’t his and the woman he doesn’t choose, it’s both of the girls).  Boooooo, Brad.

Onto the last one-on-one dates, where the women get to cook for their man.  Usually, this is done at the Bachelor pad, but this year ABC decided to use some sort of Model Apartments type setting.  Seriously, the outside of the building looked like the one they use on “Blind Date” when they get all sauced and end up at some random hot tub.  That’s what the building reminded me of, and if it’s too obscure a reference, just move on…

DD has made lasagna and is lighting candles and says that she wants to end up with a guy who she can eat dinner with.  Umm, okay.  Dinner was spent with DD smiling sweetly and telling Brad she loves him.  Brad complimented her cooking and telling her that she’s everything he’s ever looked for in a wife and mother.  DD says that where the dishes go is very important to her…I know, it seemed pretty random to me too.  On the couch in the model apartment, DD continued to pour out her heart and blink a lot.  The whole time Brad looked kinda nauseous.  Red Flag #3.

Back to the Blind Date house for his one-on-one with Jenni.  Jenni has made some sort dish that requires chop sticks.  I think she must have poked herself in the eye with one of them too, because she cried – A LOT!  Jenni broke down at the dinner table and then Brad comforted her and told her not to be sorry – at all, at all.  Don’t be sorry at all.  I am telling you he uses that phrase all the time.  For every one of Jenni’s tears, Brad said “at all.”  I am not even kidding.  Jenni then just decided it was time to say everything she’s ever had in her head about Brad.  At one point she even pulled out her diary and read it to him.  “Dear diary- today I met Brad and he is super-cute.  I love him.  I love everything about him.  I will love you forever, even if you choose the other girl.  If you take a chance on me (Think Andy Bernard!) I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.”  Oh, sweetie…I don’t think there has ever been more snot on a final date.  Brad reassured her that the crying was fine and then excused himself to see if the ABC staff had stocked the model apartment with some Pepto.  Seriously, during both of the last two one-on-one dates, he looked like he was fixing to vomit.

And with only a 58-minute show, they wasted five minutes of it with Brad buying an engagement ring…a ring he is probably auctioning on eBay right now.  Brad then put on his khaki suit and headed on over to the state park in front of the ocean where they set up a pedestal for him to stand on.  Every year, it’s this moment that you wait for.  Who is gonna get out of the first limo, because that is the girl who is gonna get kicked to the curb…Of course this year is different, but the first time through I didn’t know that.  Aaaaaaand Jenni gets out.  Chris Harrison greets her and then escorts her to the steps where he leaves.  I am thinking that Chris Harrison must have a pretty good idea what an executioner feels like.  Jenni is all nerves and smiley-faced.  And I felt so bad for her right then.  Brad tells her how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, and thanks for the free haircut, but he needs more and he can’t get it from Jenni.  Goodbye, Jenni. 

I thought Jenni took it pretty well.  She tells him that she feels embarrassed about telling him how she felt. Brad tells her not to be embarrassed “at all” (AARGH!).  Then they hug and he walks her to the limo.  Jenni wishes him happiness and then gets in the car.  Good for her.  Then she cries in the limo.  I hope they at least give her a xanax.

Next up, DD’s turn.  The first time I watched this, I felt like DD was getting the rose but no ring.  Brad just seemed too confused.  I did NOT expect him to break up with her too.  That means this dude has broken up with 25 people in like four weeks.  That is probably some sort of record, don’t you think?

Anyway, DD absolutely was must-see television during the breakup.  He starts off telling her all the things he loved about her and how perfect she was.  And then he did the cruelest thing he does which is to tell her prior to breaking up with her that he had just said goodbye to Jenni.  As he saw the relieved smile come over her face, he had a mini-anxiety attack where he stepped down off the pedestal and tugged at his tie while she stood up there ALONE and putting on her bitch face (which is a GREAT bitch face, by the way).  I thought she was gonna stab him in the neck with her eyeliner pencil or something.  By the time he got back up on the pedestal to finish his thought, DD had gone from sweet and relieved to dark and bitchy.  Where Jenni was all huggy and crying, DD was not about to hug this guy.  She asked if she was just a friend and Brad says “Not at all.”  Of course he did.  Brad: I hope you know that I care about you. DD: No, I don’t.  I thought I did but I don’t.

Then she told him that it was breakups like this why she didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve.  Really, DD? Breakups like this one?  As in, every time a guy I really love invites me to a State park to stand on a pedestal and then tells me I can’t have that rose that’s sitting right there, it just hurts me so much?  Because that seems odd to me.  I don’t know, it just does.  Maybe that happens in Georgia a lot…I don’t know.

But DD bucks up, tells him he’ll regret his decision and then she and her gold dress that made her butt look huge got back in the car and went back to the Blind Date house.  What a downer.  Usually, no matter how bad you feel for the first girl who leaves, you at least get the happy ending.  The twirling around and the kissing and “I love you too.”  This time the last segment of the show was the second girl crying in the limo, Brad sitting alone staring at an engagement ring while sitting in the State Park.  He looked pathetic, but it was pretty hard to feel sorry for the guy…Nope, I felt sorry for DD who we see carrying her shoes down the hall in silence as she shuts herself back into the model apartment.

Fast Forward to After the Final Rose:

If I had been Brad, I would have sent Chad out there instead.  In an effort to help us feel like this show is not a complete waste of time, Trista and Ryan (along with their baby Max) as well as Byron and Mary (who are still together but have been engaged longer now than Pam and Roy were on The Office).  But it’s like ABC wants us to know “See? It’s not a waste of time, I promise…these things do work out like 8% of the time.”  Mary says that they’re getting married in November.  But this show aired on November 20th so I guess she means November of 2008?  I don’t know, but since Mary was the famous “my eggs are rotting” girl she better get cracking.

I’m not gonna recap the whole show.  It was pretty predictable.  The girls were pissed.  Brad admitted he has some commitment issues, but confirmed that he isn’t gay.  DD (who wore a garbage bag to the show) even told him that since he isn’t with anyone still, she would have taken him back…I didn’t see that coming but Brad stuck to his guns. That boy is not going to be tied down.  Hmmm.

I would love to end this by swearing off the Bachelor forever, but that would just be a lie.  I’ll watch again this spring.  It’s an addiction, I guess.  I could have worse problems.

From Magical, to Staged, to Just Downright Sad

I have posted extensively (okay thrice) about how The Hills, your favorite show and mine, is probably somewhat staged, if not all the way fake.  And then this story comes down the pipe that has left me scratching my head.  I may be a little late on this one, but with actual work to do, college football yesterday, etc. I wasn’t surfing the internet aimlessly for something to catch my interest.  But if I had been, I would have seen this little gem on E!  Heidi and Spencer are casting for their wedding?!? Seriously?  They are even casting the part of Heidi’s maid of honor.  In the immortal words of Elodie, “It’s just so sad.”

I think it’s clear that ol’ Heidi and Spencer have had a fall from grace.  Spencer is a douche, Heidi took his side over Lauren’s, and so it is understandable that they have less friends now than they used to.  I get all of that.  But when you don’t even have one, single person to stand up with you?  That is pretty bad.  I have been in more weddings than I would like to remember, which is a thankless job even if it is “an honor” but I have always been under the impression that you just have to say yes when someone asks you to do it.  I mean, for real, does Heidi not even have a sister?

It seems like things are rolling downhill in a bad way for Heidi.  I mean, when you lose your bestfriend, your co-workers’ trust, and then you move in with a guy who decorated your apartment with graffiti and a jellyfish tank, then you know your life is going in the wrong direction- especially when said guy looks like the love child of Beavis and Dracula.

It’s just so sad.  I mean, three years ago, you were in school, starring with your “best friend” on a new reality show about “making it” in LA.  Now you’re a fashion school dropout, you got no friends, and you’re living with that guy above, which has turned you into someone so unpopular that you are having to pay an actress to be your maid of honor.  It’s not too late to turn it around Heidi.  Call me and ask me.  I ain’t rude enough to say no to you…

 

 

The Bachelor Recap: Looking Good On Paper Not As Important as Being Ready to Woo-PAH!

On this episode, the four remaning Bachelorettes take Brad to their hometown for dates.  These episodes are always entertaining because you just never know what crazy lies behind those party dresses and swimming pool tans.  Will there be another ‘Bama room like Brooke from Birmingham, or maybe another girl from Oklahoma whose dad wants to make a point by shooting a gun?  Well, from the previews, we knew that poor Sheena’s mom was weird, and Bettina’s family was judgmental.  But let’s see the full story.  And may I just say thank you to whatever ABC Editor agreed that another shower scene was a good idea.  WHEE!!

First date: Jenni in Wichita, Kansas.

Jenni decided to take Brad to where she grew up dancing.  So with the big hoop earrings and pink backdrop, Jenni confided in Brad that she had won $50 for her first dance competition.  Between nervous giggles, Jenni shows Brad some sweet Phoenix Suns/tap dancing moves, and all of this without any music…Brad wondered whether it’s a good idea to have a long distance relationship for a year, even though he already told her it was okay, and the fact that we all know that whoever (whomever? -Office reference) he chooses will get kicked to the curb in about 6 months.  Not even Us Magazine covers the breakup anymore.

Jenni takes Brad from the cheesy stage to the family beauty parlor for dinner, I wish I was kidding.  Jenni is the home of the inappropriate grandmother.  It seems like there is always one, and this year, it’s Grandma Betty.  Brad impresses by telling them that he isn’t a drinker and reassures Grandma that he isn’t thinking of precious Jenni as a baby factory.  Right as Grandma was passing off quotes about hitting the road, Jack, I was waiting for her medley of breakup songs, and thinking it couldn’t get more uncomfortable for our hero.  I was wrong.  Mama decides to wash Brad’s hair in her salon.  No, really it happened.  I guess we should just be happy that Jenni’s mom isn’t a proctologist.  She waited until Brad was good and lathered up to ask why in the world he was still single…Yeesh.  Meanwhile, Jenni’s sister is curling her hair and asking Jenni if he’s the one.  What is it with this family and needing to be touching the other person’s head to have a serious conversation?  A little odd, but probably not the strangest thing going on in Wichita.  Jenni’s dad didn’t bother to rub Brad’s head, and he comes in with the quote for the family, after asking Brad what his goals were, Brad began to answer him – something about real estate and making money – and Dad says, “you don’t have to tell me what they are, just wanted to know if you had some goals.”  Hmmm.  What if his goal was to impregnate the four remaining women?  Wouldn’t that be a little nugget of information you’d want?  I think the listing of goals was a good idea…just saying.  Cue the drama, because Jenni has made the team.   They’ve been calling her a Phoenix Suns Dancer this whole time, so it wasn’t much of a shock, but it makes me wonder what the job would have said if she hadn’t made it…Bare-footed tapdancer/nervous giggler/headband wearer.  I don’t know, but it’s fun to speculate.  Through it all Jenni tearfully tells Brad how much he means to her, and Brad, of course wipes her tears and then kisses her.

Second Date: Sheena in Walnut Creek, California

Their date started out on the family boat.    Sheena gets kudos from the producers for figuring out how to make a bathing suit play prominently into their date.  So they all pile into the boat and go tubing.  Brad said “It could not have gone better.”  I guess riding on a nylon tube behind a boat at 70 miles an hour beats talking to the parents.  And when the conversation finally started, you could see why.  Mom immediately asked what Brad’s sign was.  That was just a preview, as the rest of Mom’s camera time was spent talking about how the stars had aligned for Brad and Sheena and how she could tell when she looked at him that he and Sheena would be together forever, and her quote,”I know (Sheena) is the one, and whether she’s your one, or somebody else’s one, she is the ONE.”  It actually made less sense when I just typed it.  Brad sat there politely trying to follow the crazy rabbit down the hole, but I could tell that he was a little worried that this woman’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the pent house.  I hadn’t seen that look on his face since the first night when the girl showed him her webbed feet…Hee!

Thank goodness Sheena came in right there to save the conversation, but then the mom only encouraged them both to go pick out the rings because “we are ready to commit” and because she already knew who the flower girl and the bridesmaids were gonna be.  Say it with me now: AWK-WARD!

Sheena pulls Brad out to the hot tub – you know – so they can look at the stars that are now lining up.  Sheena takes that opportunity to tell Brad how important her family is to her and how close she is to them.  Normally, I would think this would be a good thing, but I would bet you dollars to donuts that Sheena would have made Brad feel better in this case if she would have thanked him for being so kind to her slightly autistic mother who recently hit her head.  Weird hug in the hot tub, and as Sheena talks about how Brad is her soulmate, Brad does not go in for the kiss.

Third Date: DeAnna in Georgia

In case you didn’t know, DeAnna is Greek.  The date started with serious talk with the father.  That’s when we find out that DeAnna is not only Greek but that she lost her mother.  DeAnna brought out the photo album to introduce Brad to her mother.  I know that I make fun of all of the crap on this show, and for the most part, the dates are over-the-top, play to much to emotion serious.  But I thought DeAnna did a really cool thing there, and for once on this show it was an understated way of letting Brad get to know her.  Kudos DeAnna!  Now stop being so mean to all the other girls.  And I take the Kudos back because DeAnna and her sister retire for the sister chat where DeAnna tells her that if Brad doesn’t pick her, she’ll be crushed.  Blech.

And then Yaya and PouPou showed up (apparently those are Greek grandparents) and it was time to PARTY!!  Maybe Yaya and PouPou means hammered.  Shots of Uzzo for everyone, and it brings us to the quote of the nite from DeAnna’s family – Yaya: To your health and may you love your mother in law!  Hee Hee. Next thing you know, they’re all in a circle, yelling Woo-PAH!  I hope ABC called them all a cab.  Brad got a good nite kiss, and off he went.

Last Date: Bettina in our Nation’s Capitol

This date was marked all along with Red Flags.  From the moment we see the family, it was just uncomfortable to the nth degree.  It didn’t get better.  Start out with Brad not graduating from college, and Dad telling him that he’s a professor with a shit-eating grin.  Dad then says that he Brad is “a great disappointment.”  Then they ask Brad what he does for a living (WAA-WOH) which is followed by a joke by Brad to ease the tension that went over as well as a Michael Vick sighting at a PETA convention.  That would have been bad enough but enter the judgy step-mom who says she isn’t happy that Bettina is hooked up with some bar-owning cowboy who probably worships the devil and gives out apples with razor blades at Halloween.  I am not even exaggerating that much.  After the fifth consecutive question about his business, Brad says that he feels judged.  Really?  It was even uncomfortable down to the little things like Brad offering to help and the stepmom sending him back out with “Yeah, clear the table!  Everything, just clear it!”

Then Dad tells us all what we have thought might be the case all along.  He liked the first husband.  Bettina’s not going to find anyone better and he doesn’t agree with her going on this show.  Hmmm…But Mr. Perfect isn’t here anymore.  He probably found religion and is off in the Sahara Desert coming up with a way to grow food without water and reading to the blind in his spare time, but the fact is, he ain’t here now.  Dad needs to settle down.  And while he’s out there berating his daughter, Brad is left to face the two moms who are accusing him of stringing people along.  Even the dog was barking at Brad.  Geez.  I am starting to get antsy and I’m sitting here on my couch.  I need a drink…

And I am glad I got one after having to watch the conversation between Brad and Bettina that followed the family dinner.  There they were sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Monument and Brad worrying about being judged and Bettina using the excuse that “she doesn’t look that good on paper either.”  And when he was sitting on those steps, I think Brad hatched a plan.

3 Roses, 1 girl out, and Sheena will be leaving us this evening.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, and maybe Brad doesn’t watch the show to know what goes on when the girls get down to 3, but the next round is overnight dates.  I think at this point it’s a two-woman race between Jenni and DeAnna.  I think Sheena and Bettina were dead women walking after these dates.  And so he can only let one go.  Sheena treated him respectfully, she impressed his brother, and she wrote Brad one of the worst poems ever to be written in the English language.  But it isn’t there.  He should cut her loose.

Bettina is crazy, she is divorced, and her family was filled with ass holes.  Why not keep ol’ Bettina around so that her dad can see his little girl “forego” her individual room to “stay as a couple in the fantasy suite?”  How better to stick it to the old man with his diplomas on the walls and all holier than thou?  I am not saying they have to do anything.  I doubt many of the women do (maybe I’m just naive), but 100% of the time the girl goes up there, and the door clicks with the “Do Not Disturb.”  So if that was Brad’s plan, I say more power to him because those people were ASSES!

I would mess with Sheena more about crying if she didn’t just seem so doggone innocent and vulnerable out there crying into Brad’s shoulder.  She really did get blindsided by all of this, and I want to give her credit for keeping it together until she got outside.  And I won’t say anything else about it…

I would rather look forward to next week, and the forego cards, and the Cabo San Lucas and Brad without his shirt on!! Oh yes, Brad without his shirt on.

Confirmed: The Hills, not Magical, just Staged…

After posting about this a few days ago, we got confirmation today that The Hills is not as real as MTV wants us to believe.  No, as much as you love your LC, Spencer, Heidi, Brody, Whitney, Audrina, Justin Bobby, and ESPECIALLY Lo, they are a lot of staged situations.  I don’t know what to believe anymore…The best part is that I don’t care.  Still gonna watch, “Feel the Rain on Your Skin..” I am gonna hold out hope that Lo is totally real all the time.  I’ll just keep telling myself this.

Because they Aren’t Just Richer than You, They’re MAGICAL!!

I just finished watching the latest episode of The Hills.  And I am about to make a lot of fun of this show, so before I do, let me just give a couple of quick disclaimers.  First, I absolutely love this show.  It is always a show I watch and continue to watch for the 3700 other re-runs they put on after its original showing on Monday night.  Secondly, this show remains in my favorites because of the absolute comedy that arises from nowhere.  Its beauty is in its details.  For instance, where would we be without Lo dropping little gems like, “I love to judge people” or if Audrina didn’t date a guy whose name was Justin, but who goes by Bobby?  No explanation as to where the Bobby part came from or anything.  He just looked at Lauren and Lo as though it should just be understood and accepted – like gravity.  Amazing.  I love this show because you don’t have to take it too seriously, nor should you.  These are a group of 20 and 21 year-old kids, whose parents are footing the bill while they run around L.A. having barbecues at the beach and drinking at Les Deux.

But it is supposed to be a “reality” show no matter how skewed this reality is.  Part of the beauty is the fantasy, the nice cars, and the fact that though these people are in college, at a time in life where most of us ate Ramen Noodles, sought out dollar beer night, and celebrated finding a 20 in our jeans while Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Brody, and Speidi do whatever they want with seemingly no thought about the money.  Fine.

But what is with the shoddy editing?  Seriously, Spencer’s magical beard?  One minute, he’s got the wolfman scruff and he’s arguing with Heidi about dinner plans, the next second, he’s in the car all baby-faced and looking like Beavis, and in the next scene, he’s got scruff again.  Then, what about Brody and his “cast” this year?  In the Las Vegas episode, there was no cast – you know what I’m talking about, that claw thing on his hand from where Lauren broke his finger at one of his many barbecues.  In Vegas, it was gone.  This week the claw was back, then gone completely, then there was some sort of wrist brace, and then back to no aparatus on his hand by the end of the episode…I don’t get it.

So instead of believing the good people of The Hills are messing with me, I am choosing to believe that they are magical.  It’s really the only way I can see continuing to live my life.  Feel free to make your own choices.

On a related note, how much fun is it to see Heidi and Spencer fight?  Heidi’s “I’ll be at work, why don’t you try it?” was just an amazing moment for me.  I didn’t know she had it in her.  Seriously, Spencer, get a job.  Getting denied over and over because your girl has a “job” which involves long hours at clubs and holding a clipboard could free you up to do other things.  Not like hang out with your friends because you screwed all of them over.  But you could get a pet, or start collecting stamps, or something.  Just stop showing up – all creepy and unshaven at odd times during the day.  It doesn’t make you look cool.

And if I may make a plea for more Lo please.  She cracks me up.  That is all for now.  I love this show – magical or not, real or fake.  I heart The Hills. 

The Bachelor Recap: Tear-Wiping, Tire-Kicking, and Slut/Liars

After last week’s switcharoo, I figured there might be a letdown this week.  Sure, they promised us a two girls, one rose showdown between Deanna and Jade, but I mean after you have the heretofore unknown identical twin brother come in and pose as the Bachelor, you only get letdowns after that.  Does that mean I didn’t tune in this week, remote in hand, ready to rewind and catch all the embarrassing moments twice?  Don’t fool yourself.  I was in!

So to recap, there were three girls that hit the road last week.  Solisa the stripper being one.  However, there was the return of the pity rose as a crying Hilary got a rose right before they jumped back on the plane to the OC.  This week there were three dates: a one-on-one with Jenni, the aformentioned two girl date with Deanna and Jade, and then the rest of the girls got to go to an improv class with the Bachelor.  So let’s get to it, shall we?

Jenni got the one-on-one date box first.  After last week’s Hilary debacle, I think Brad probably took one of the producer’s children hostage and demanded some Cheetos, a drink that didn’t have alcohol in it, and some alone time with a girl who wasn’t likely to stab him in the neck while he slept.  As soon as Jade announced that Jenni got the date, the girls immediately retired to their individual interviews to make veiled insults or bitchy remarks about her.  Of course, if I can give Jenni a word of advice here, while in a room with the 8 other girls dating your boyfriend, don’t fall out into the floor with celebration when you get the solo date.  I know this isn’t something they usually go over in finishing school as it’s a strange situation in which to find yourself, but I’ve watched this show long enough to know that celebrating only leads to the other girls doing mean things to you like switching out your fat free Ranch dressing to the Original Ranch and telling Brad that you are only into him for his money.

Jenni and Brad’s date consisted of him picking her up in a helicopter and flying her to dinner on a rooftop.  I loved the helicopter.  All of the girls had to watch Jenni and Brad hanging all over each other while the wind created by the propellors messed their hair up and caused their skirts to fly up.  It made me miss Solisa.  Anyway, Brad and Jenni are whisked off in the helicopter.  Brad came dressed as Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice, or as Chandler on the Thanksgiving flashback episode where he gets his little toe chopped off.  You can decide.  Either way, it was a mistake.  Jenni wore a green dress that my brother’s girlfriend said looked like something that Audrina from the Hills would wear.  So apparently, it was Halloween in a helicopter.  All the girls noticed that the two of them hugged a little too long, and that their attraction for each other was undeniable.  I agree.  That Jenni would be one to watch, if they hadn’t put her out in the front from the very beginning.  Now I think she’ll do something crazy or her dad will physically threaten Brad and he will cut her.  Otherwise, they would make Jenni look like she had no chance.

After they left, Hillary (she of the pity rose) cried on Jade’s shoulder about how she felt like her boyfriend was cheating on her.  Again, Hillary is crying.  She is gonna strain a tear duct or something I swear.  In the course of her crying jag, she worries that Jenni is such a sexual person, or a closet freak…I don’t know.  Cut to Jenni and Brad sitting pretty much on top of each other in the helicopter.  Not much new happened on this date.  The two of them stared at each other adoringly and got along perfectly.  They cuddled on the couch, he gave her the rose, and then they made out.  Jenni’s interview was giggly and could have been annoying if you didn’t come away thinking that she really did like him…it was cute. 

And back at the house, McCarten and Deanna were shown bullying the other ladies in the house.  Deanna, who was one of the girls I thought could win it, really came off like a HUGE BITCH this episode.  She and Jade had an argument and of course the stage was set for the two of them to go on the elimidate later in the show.

The next date was the group date, which looked like adults going through an R-rated preschool class.  They called improv – whatever.  Of course, Hilary wanted to show that her emotional spectrum was more than just crying.  She can also be a crazy, silly girl.  She stole the show.   Bettina also told Brad she loved him for the first time.  It was just like in the movies – you know, in Titanic, when Rose told Jack she loved him for the first time, using a party hat as a megaphone?  You don’t?  You need to check the deleted scenes on your Collector’s Edition DVD.  Kristy made a really lame joke about her name being Sugar and she needed some spice (Crickets!) Which made Kristy cry.  She wants to show him that she can have fun and be crazy.  So since she couldn’t make anyone laugh, she cried, I guess.  Strategy?  Well, it did get her one on one time – it did NOT get her the date rose. Bettina got the rose.  Not because she loved him, but because she fought through her shyness to participate.  Then she cried in her interview.  Gees, people!

Then Jade and Deanna go to Brad’s house for a barbecue date.  Poor Jade still had not gotten the tangles out of her hair since the helicopter ride apparently.  It looked pretty bad.  They hate each other, and rather than Brad getting to know either of them well, Deanna shifted into one upper mode.  Jade:  I started working at 16.  Deanna:  I have been working since 14.  Jade:  I would move to Austin, I would love that.  Deanna:  I would move myself by carrying my dresser on my back.  Jade just got intimidated by DeAnna’s answers and didn’t say much.  After the one on one time, Brad kicks ol’ Jade to the curb. Jade cried as he told her goodbye and Brad wiped her tears.  That brings his tear-wiping count to at least 3 (Kristy, Jade and Hillary) in the season.  If this whole bar thing doesn’t work out, then he can get a job at Kleenex.   So Brad and DeAnna celebrate the breakup by hopping into the hot tub and making out.  See ya!  DeAnna stays in, but she has shown herself to be a mean girl this episode and while she’s still a fave to take home the promise ring, she moved down a couple notches for me. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are all saying that they would say yes to a proposal by Brad today – you know, after knowing him for 5 days – they are ready to spend forever with him.  Of course, Bettina isn’t so sure, having been divorced before.  This upsets Hillary, who compares Bettina and her divorce to being a used car that needs its tires kicked.  I don’t understand the metaphor either.

Back at the rose ceremony, DeAnna is saying catty things to the girls and then smelling her rose deliberately in their faces.  Brad reveals that Jenni was his first kiss on the show and that meant that she must be a slut and a liar, at least according to Bettina, but that could just be because someone has been kicking her tires all day and she has a headache.  Hillary thinks she is still in the running, but she stared at the camera with her crazy eyes and says that as long as she’s the last one he kisses, she is fine.  Sheena cries on the couch and told Brad that she was so moved to meet his brother in the dramatic switch-a-roo.  Sheena could be a dark horse.  She seems genuine, she keeps getting a rose and we don’t see much of her.  Hmmm.  Tracking.  Meanwhile Jenni handles the interrogation about her kiss from the other girls well, and even sneaks away to get some more kisses.  The two of them look like a couple who actually date where the other girls look like the awkward couples at a fraternity-sorority mixer.  More crying from McCarten, who is tired of sharing her man with others. 

Chris comes in with his champagne flute of death, signaling the end of the road for some of the girls.  DeAnna, Bettina and Jenni already had their roses and they were joined by Kristy the Kryer, Sheena the shy, and (Cue Virtual Chris Harrison: “Readers, this is the final rose of the episode ) Tire-Kicking Hillary. 

Stephy blamed the wall around her heart for not getting a rose.  McCarten mourned the loss of hers and Brad’s theoretical children.  DeAnna just twirls her rose and shoots McCarten the middle finger (Okay, I may have made that part up).

The previews promise Bettina being psycho, Sheena falling down, and Hillary having to leave the show in some sort of panic attack.  WHAT!?!? I have to wait a week?  Wow… Until next week.  This is Emma Brand, off to kick tires and belittle others.

The Bachelor: Pity Roses, Tears, and the Switcharoo!!

All right!  The Bachelor is back for ninety minutes, and tonight’s episode is the one where Brad, Chad, and the crafty producers of this show decide to pull the ol’ switcharoo…This is gonna be great!  On a related note, people, please do not name your twins rhyming names.  It’s just not good for anyone.

First, a couple of thoughts:  I was happy that Brad didn’t automatically keep the clumsy girl who fell down the stairs.  I don’t know that any of the other former Bachelors were gutsy enough to do that, and so I applaud you, Brad.  However, I don’t think any of us would have thought Brad less gallant for cutting Solisa who got so-drunk, so-nude, and so-crazy.  Oh well, we can’t all bat 1.000, can we?

First group date is the circus.  The circus date included a lot of participation on the part of the women and Brad, and they even got to play with the clowns and do fun tricks like walk the tight rope (which was about 5 inches off the ground), and watch Brad wear a really fancy coat complete with sequins.  Jenni even did a round off, back handspring, back tuck, just like at a high school pep rally.  During their one on one time, Brad and Jenni relive their kiss, and she tells him how important her dance career is to her.  I can tell that ol’ Brad is really loving him some Jenni. 

Steffy took her one on one time to tell Brad how much she loved her dad and this soliloquy was complete with tears.  Get used to the tears because that will become a theme of this episode.  Scoff if you want but she ended up getting the rose from this date because “she really put herself out there.”

As for the show, the ladies and Brad are introduced to the crowd, where Brad (“the sexiest bachelor yet”) introduces the actual Ring Master.  You could tell he had prepared a speech…Hahaha.  And that is when Brad - who has seemed the most normal guy, a good guy, a guy you would want to date, and even just hang out with – that’s when he made a reference to Titanic, because getting introduced at the Barnum and Bailey Circus made him feel like the King of the World…A couple more tool comments like that and his rankings could plummet.

McCarten is pulled out of the show, and she compares her relationship with Brad to the tight rope walk.  She has learned so much on this date…Wow.

Next Date Box: “Silly Hillary,” the nurse who wants to take Brad’s vitals gets the one on one.  All the other girls at the house immediately begin the eye-rolling and back-stabbing.  Wanna know how mad at least one of them was?  She did Hillary’s hair – poorly.  Hillary looked like a girl who wandered in from a White Snake video.  The dress they provided her was just one big black sequin, and they topped it off with some very expensive, borrowed jewelry that I can honestly say was the biggest waste of diamonds since J.Lo’s engagement rings.  Of course, before the Bachelor got there to present the jewelry, Chris Harrison gathered all the other girls to sit on the couch and watch. 

My theory is that Chris has many un-aired duties when it comes to this show.  We all see some of them:  Recapping what has happened thus far voice over at the beginning of every show.  The tink-tink-tink on his champagne flute to get the Bachelor out of the clutches of the girls at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  Taking us to commercial break by promising us that some women will continue on while others will end up alone, childless, and only have cats for friends.  And would anyone else know when there was only one rose left if Chris didn’t step in and inform them, “Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose this evening.”  But there is more to Chris’ role I think.  For instance, the gathering of the girls on the couch, or getting the borrowed jewelry off the neck of the lucky woman who got to borrow it for the 3 1/2 hour date, and who do you think shops for all the trinkets the girls go crazy over in the “date boxes”?  Oh, I think it’s one Mr. Chris Harrison.  Oh, yes.

Anyway, Hillary’s date.  Or as I like to call it, what would have happened in Pretty Woman if Richard Gere had picked up Kit instead of Vivian.  Of course, the date itself was straight out of the movie, private plane, borrowed jewelry, a night on the town, etc.  Only instead of relaxing and enjoying themselves over dinner, Hillary cried the whole time.  She would give up the jewelry if she could just fall “Crazy in Love.”  I kept waiting on Beyonce to come flying into the room in a gold dress.  After dinner, Brad continued in his role as “Hillary’s Tear-Wiper” as she continued to cry about how much she wanted to fall in love with him.  Of course, the girls at the house are all talking about how they hope Brad kicks Hillary and her jewelry to the curb on their date because more roses for them…Who says that they can’t do math?  As we return to what is quickly turning into a Kleenex commercial, Brad is handing her the rose.  Definitely a pity rose, but it made me wonder whether he would have had to ride back on the same plane with her after he dumped her…Maybe it was just him trying to avoid another uncomfortable situation.

Back at the house, the final date box arrived, and each of the girls going acted surprised when her name was called.  Really?  There are three dates total, 2 of which have already taken place.  So if you haven’t been on one - this date box (which was lovingly put together by Chris Harrison’s own two hands) – is for you.  The note just says “Come sail away with Me – Brad.  It was now that my brother’s girlfriend pointed out that for two weeks in a row, Solisa the stripper has been on a date where bathing suits play an integral part.  I bet Chris Harrison picks who goes on which dates too.  Good television, Chris.  Keep up the good work!

So they hopped aboard a pirate ship for a day of fun, liquor, and the rest of the girls.  Kristy is steering the boat during her alone time and it reminded me of the “Booze Cruise” episode of The Office where Dwight is out on the front of the boat steering with a fake wheel.  But I digress.  Kristy obviously impressed Brad because she eventually gets the rose from the date.

 But not before Solisa gave Brad a lap dance.  That girl just puts it right out there, doesn’t she?  I bet the congregation at her church has put her on permanent prayer list status, don’t you think?  Sheena took a different tact: possible disfigurement by Sea-Doo.  They even got pulled over by the Coast Guard.  And ol’ Bettina finally managed to get up the courage to tell Brad about her divorce.  She was afraid of how he would take it since Brad “doesn’t believe in divorce.”  Who does “believe in divorce?”  Maybe at Solisa’s church.

Back at the house, Hillary asks the rest of the girls which ones didn’t want her to come back (y’know, by a show of hands).  Of course, the two girls that dared raise their hands and tell her the truth, she calls “Straight up witches.”  What answer did she expect?

And now the Switcharoo!!  Whee!  So the plan is for Chad, the brother, to attend the cocktail party as Brad.  Brad is hoping that Chad can help him out and tell him which of the girls is genuine.  Brad is also hoping that the girls notice that it’s not him in the party.  You know why?  Because the two of them look remarkably different.  Sure, they tried to make them look more alike – their hair is combed the same way, Brad tells his brother little tidbits about the ladies, and of course Chris Harrison dressed them in matching suits and ties, but I don’t think Chad spends nearly as much time in the gym as his brother does, and there are all kinds of differences that you can spot.  But, let’s face it, the ladies in the house are not rocket scientists – they are acupuncutrists and estheticians and Phoenix Suns Dancers, so I could see where you could get away with it.  And on this show, you could put a suit on a monkey and these girls would fight over a rose.

I would like to go on the record that I thouroughly enjoyed the switcharoo twist.  But Chad was on the show for about the last half hour, and in that time, there were a couple of staged conversations that just killed me.  The worst offender had to be the one where they were having a beer, and Brad posed the idea of Chad being him for the cocktail party as if Chad didn’t know what he was there to do…Please!  You showed up at the house dressed in the exact same outfit as your brother!  It just lets you know how stupid ABC must think we are…Stop setting up these conversations and show me more crazy girls!!  That’s why we tune in…Phew.  I feel better.

So the cocktail party was Chad running the gauntlet of ladies who have been placed around the house, I would guess so that the camera crew could tell him the girl’s name before he got there.  The first few didn’t know it was an imposter.  McCarten and Lindsey had no clue.   Sheena was the first one to notice and said that Chad didn’t have the weird patch of hair on his ear…Points for noticing it wasn’t Brad.  Points off for telling me more about Brad’s hair patterns that I ever wanted to know.  Also points off for crying…more damn crying.  Kristy also nailed it right off the bat.  Steffy could tell by the teeth, or she was really drunk…she wasn’t sure.  Sarah had no clue, other than to say that her alone time today was “different.”  Ya think?  Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I saw Jenni the whole cocktail party…why was that?

Anyway, onto the rose ceremony.  The 3 ladies who went home weren’t hard to see coming necessarily.  Sheena, McCarten, Jenni, Jade, DeAnna, and Bettina joined Steffy, Kristy, and Hillary as the proud owners of thorny flowers.  Lindsey, Sarah, and So-Long Solisa hit the road this episode.  Solisa cried, saying that she wears her special parts on the outside and he just didn’t see what he wanted.  Note to Solisa: Your “special parts” aren’t supposed to be on the outside, please put your top back on.

Lindsey tells the camera she wasn’t gonna cry.  And then she walked off camera to cry.  Hmmm.  She then did the rest of the interview from the side, whilst crying.  Next week: one on one showdown between Jade and DeAnna.  Only one can get the rose.  The claws come out, and it promises to be some excellent reality television.  WHEEE!!

ANTM: But can you walk in a straight jacket and climb a rock in high heels?

I realize that in the ninth season of a reality show, it could become difficult to find ways to keep a show fresh and original.  This season, apparently, Tyra decided that she wanted to color this show preachy.  So last week, she announced that not only was the show was going “green” to be environmentally friendly, but that she was proclaiming “Cycle 9″ smoke free.  Can someone please explain to me why every other stinking show on television has seasons and Tyra gets to have “cycles”?  Why does she get her own term?  I love this show, but let’s be serious, it ain’t worth coming up with its own language.  Ahhh, whatever.

Why do I watch this show?  I watch it because girls in a really big group get catty.  Now, let’s get a group of girls together and have them compete to be models, where only one will get the contract and they are in a competition of who gets to be the prettiest, and it ain’t like any of these girls are people who have had trouble with looks.  Add on top of that there is an aging model, who seems to have good intentions but just can’t let go of being the prettiest girl at the party, and you have the possibility of unintentional comedy every single second of the show.  From the ridiculous fashion shoots to the girls making absolute asses of themselves, this show is so entertaining.  I don’t watch because it makes me smarter, I watch because it makes me laugh my ass off.

This week, the wannabe models learned a runway walk from “famed runway coach” J. Alexander.  Let’s spend a moment on ol’ J. shall we?  First, I don’t know that he was famed until this show.  I ain’t saying I am a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination, but I do read US and People and any gossip columns I can get my hands on and I don’t ever remember seeing him in any of those.  I only remember him from this show.  Secondly, J. is a drag queen.  He is constantly showing up in women’s clothes, and he is always called “Miss J.” by Tyra and the wannabes.  Heh Heh, that sounds like a band that a kid would form on some sitcom like Blossom or Full House.  Anyway, Ms. J. also adds to the comedy portion with his training methods and critiques of the girls.

For instance, to teach the girls to walk this week, he put the girls in strait jackets to teach them to walk.  With her new political bent, I figured Tyra would object to this because it is insensitive to crazy people.  But it did make for good tv, so I can see where she would make an exception.  Plus, the straight jacket kept their arms occupied so they couldn’t smoke, so at least there is that.

Post-runway walk, there was the obligatory drama where two of the models argued about the other one not being her competition and ended with Saleisha (yes, that is her name) and Bianca yelling at each other.  At the end of it, Bianca called her a “plus size model” (ooohhh, snap!) and then Saleisha, who is all of 21, playing the experience card because Bianca is only 18.  I love it.  Then both fighters went to their respective corners and talked about how the other one was intimidated.  I don’t know which is more sad: that these two girls had this fight, or that I sat here and watched it whilst taking so much pleasure in it and all its ridiculosity (I made that word up, but I like it).

The challenge this evening is a couture runway show, with the winning wannabe to walk in the designer’s show in Paris later this season…Girls get out your claws.  The dresses themselves were pretty difficult to look at, much less walk in.  Let’s just put it like this: these are not dresses you will see at your neighborhood wedding or your prom.  Apparently Colleen Quen’s motto is “The Weirder the better.”  That being said, because her “gowns” are expensive, people will buy them and call her a genius.  Good for her.  As you will learn about me, I am always on the lookout for people who seem to make a lot of money but do very little.  But back to the challenge, Saleisha (still her name) won, and Bianca was none too pleased.

Next up?  The photo shoot.  This week Tyra decided not to take on smoking or any of the other big causes that she can take up on her pedestal courtesy of the CW.  Nope, this week the wannabes are to climb a fake rock wall in “high fashion” gowns.  You have to appreciate the fact that Tyra does her dead level best not to intrude on the concept of any photo shoot that any magazine would ever ever do.   I mean, seriously, do you ever think you’ll be standing at the checkout line at Target and be drawn into buying an issue of Vogue because they promise photos of a supermodel in an evening gown on a rock climbing wall?  Because I don’t.  I think that this challenge was less about making a picture that would ever be in a magazine and more about putting these poor wannabes in ridiculous looking dresses and makeup and helping Tyra to feel better about herself when she gets to look at these pictures.

Onto the elimination: Of course, Tyra’s picture brought us back from commercial.  The concept of the photo looked the same, but she was pictured on a pretty wall, looking lustily into space, while the wannabes were hugged up on a rope while wearing stupid makeup on a wall that looked like what you would find at your neighborhood Dick’s Sporting Goods.  To further illustrate my point, Tyra welcomes the wannabes with a horrible French accent.  Bless you, Tyra, and your magnificent ego, and your Pied Piper ability to get thousands upon thousands of 18-22 year olds to worship the ground you walk on and soak in every single thing that comes out of your mouth.  I love it, I love you, and more importantly, I love that for one hour a week, you come into my life and make me laugh…

Tyra highlights of the elimination included Tyra’s accent, the story about when she was a young model – shipped off to Paris with only 3 photos and she booked 25 gigs (because the point of this show is really to tell us how awesome Tyra is), Tyra showing off the model pretzel (what? oh, just watch the show), and of course Tyra standing in front of the girls and telling us “who is still in the runnng towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.”  Also, Tyra is constantly talking about the people “who stand before me.”  I have never heard a wordier elimination phrase or more awkwardly worded stuff, but then again, Tyra is so awesome she deserves more words, not less.

As for the rest of my comments as to the panel.  Ms. J. wore a mini-afro for a hairdo tonight, which made him look like Janet Jackson in her first tv role on Good Times.  And Nigel Barker sitting there looking good.  Thank you, Nigel.  Your accent only makes you hotter. 

This week, Bianca and Kimberly (who?) ended up in the bottom two, with Kimberly going home.  Tyra complimented Kimberly’s ears and sent her packing.  Bianca stayed because Tyra liked her even though all the other judges hated her pictures.  Good for her.  As always, it’s Tyra’s world and we all just live in it. 

Next week: The you are my barbie dolls and I get to do whatever I want Makeover week.  My favorite!!