The Hills: Finale

Okay, so let’s get to the Hills finale, shall we?  I know, I know, it has been a stinking long time since you last heard from me.  There has been work, and a trip with my best friend EVER, and holiday parties complete with Dirty Santa, but I know what you really want to know about right now are some Hills thoughts…So here we go – and let’s go by character, shall we?

Lisa Love – Seriously? This is the woman who is supposed to help teens find their “fashion voice” or whatever you call it?  She is a poor man’s Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada, isn’t she?  And who didn’t absolutely know that Lauren was gonna get to go to Paris once she made that comment about “I think Lauren had her chance to go to Paris.”  Come on, Lisa!

Audrina – Worthless this episode, but while we are here, when you go out with a hot Australian guy like that, shouldn’t you be a little bit concerned about the thing on his lip?  I mean, that is a sign of a certain STD, right?  Get that boy some Valtrex or at least get me an explanation…

Lo – Where are you?  Why have you left me with no Lo goodness to tide me over?  I miss you Lo, because I, too, enjoy judging people…

Brody – Good work on the shaved head.  I think that is an excellent look for you.  I love your curls, but you tend to wait about ten days too long for a haircut when you’re growing it out, so the shaved head, I can get on board with…But when it comes to Lauren, you need to piss or get off the pot.  You know you want to date this girl, she makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, you’re both beautiful people, and she can get you air-time on a reality show on MTV.  For you, she is the total package.  But you are playing the strategy game.  As long as you two are “just friends” albeit with privileges, you can take full advantage of your “fame” and date around without Lauren banishing you to the land of Speidi…I smell what you’re cooking Brody.

Whitney – This episode really showcased Whitney in all of her awkward, face-making glory.  She is excited to go to Paris, but knows that Lauren is going to wanna go to.  Sweet, adorable little Whitney feels awkward, and it leads her to make some hilarious faces, and to stick her foot in her mouth around Lauren, like by asking if she had ever been to Paris “this time of year.” To which Lauren, all feeling sorry for herself and pouty has to turn to Whitney and say, “No, I’ve never been - ever.”  Hee.  Awkward Whitney is hilarious.

Heidi – about time you grew some courage there, buddy.  You told him not to leave, and he left.  You are “going home for a while” which is only going to lead to the whole I told you so lecture from the parents, but you got that coming anyway.  Heidi is the poster child for all of us who are glad that our early 20s weren’t documented by MTV cameras.  Who didn’t date that guy who you just knew was the one, but who now makes your skin crawl with just the memory of it all?  Now imagine that guy is Spencer…I know, Heidi will be lucky to get through this…Take some time, girl.

Spencer – Dropping by work?  Nope. Shouldn’t have left your girl at the apartment.  You know? The one where you spray painted the walls, moved in all sorts of arcade games, and a jelly fish tank.  Seriously, you live in an apartment not the local mall, buddy.  Maybe if you hadn’t spent all that money on jelly fish, you could have afforded an actual diamond…Geez.  Now your fifteen minutes are up.  Heidi’s gonna make up with Lauren (or not), but once that relationship is over, you are off of this show…and let’s just say that big teeth and a resemblance to Beavis never landed anyone a spin-off…See ya!

Lauren – off to Paris, no boyfriend, but happy to have made the decisions you have.  Good for you.  I look forward to your next season of work, your happy return, more flirtations with Brody, and your eventual lapse into quiet obscurity as the first 28 year-old still working at Teen vogue.  Come 2017, Lauren is gonna take home the disco ball trophy on Dancing With the Stars.  You heard it here first…

And as for the big announcement?  We get to see Lauren in Paris…it wasn’t the season finale after all!! Happy Holidays everyone!

The Bachelor Recap: Hillary Breaks Down like a Ford Tempo In Rush Hour

Let’s get to it – Blah Blah Recap of the last episodes…This week, Chris (whilst wearing a really, REALLY ugly shirt) tells the Bachelorettes that there were 2 one on one dates and a group date.  No roses for anyone on these dates, just good times.  Bettina (the divorcee) gets the first one on one.  Whee!

 

Can Bettina relax?  According to Brad, this is the key to whether or not she will be kissed.  Meanwhile, a lot of the girls are gonna go on the group date, and Sheena will get the other solo.  Good for her.  DeAnna tried to be okay with it as she read it off the datebox card.  We all recognize that she had bad thoughts when she read the card…Come on, kids.

 

Meanwhile, in this the Season of the Bachelor, sponsored by Paxil, Bettina is in a boat with Brad and fighting off tears.  What is it with the tears?!?!  Everyone cries this year.  What is it?  Ladies, do you go out on a date with a guy you really like and then just cry?  Does ABC just chop onions?  Why, oh why, do we constantly get crying girls when they get around this guy?  Should he be on Heroes as the crying man?  Is this too many questions in a row?  Note to Bettina: Just have fun and show him that you like him.  Do NOT cry and make it a great big Debbie Downer Date.

 

Brad’s “house” for the pool party.  The quote on house is because Brad clearly does not live here.  Blech.  Brad wanted a pool party because he’s laid back.  And what is more laid back than having 5 scantily clad women over to your house for liquor and good times  a slip and slide headed into the pool?  So there they all are.

 

Meanwhile Kristy won’t swim.  You know, she really was a one-trick pony that Kristy.  She asked to see his tongue on the first night and didn’t pull out any personality after that.  Last week she stayed around because she cried.  Bye, Kristy.  How are you gonna go on the Bachelor and refuse to swim?  Does she not know that this is a show which is based on hot tubs and yachts and beach dates and countless other ways to get the men and women into their bathing suits?  The only person who doesn’t have to bring his swim trunks is our beloved host, Chris Harrison.  And for that, ABC, let me just thank you on behalf of the viewing public.  Can’t you just see ol’ Chris climbing into the hot tub with his champagne flute and trying to sit between two of the girls and while high fiving the Bachelor?  I think that Prince Lorenzo would have liked that…

 

Back at the pool, Hillary who will later have the most dramatic breakdown in Bachelor history according to Chris, Hillary has decided to give the LONGEST bleeped out explanation I’ve seen on television since The Osbourns went off the air.  What was bleeped?  Oh, just 30 seconds of sexual positions she would like to try with Brad.  It made me throw up a little, and I could not even tell what she said.  Hillary has a little bit of the “crazy eyes” and I think Brad saw that while she was floating alongside him on the float, talking about the amazing chemistry she feels and telling him how she knows what they have is different and more special than anything he may have with any of the other girls.  I kept waiting from the theme music from Nightmare on Elm Street, didn’t you?  But Brad tried to handle it nicely- telling her maybe they are too good of friends for that to be “chemistry.”  Hillary apparently had water in her ears, though, because she just kept prattling on about how much they had in common and the attraction and how they could be best friends and lovers and parents of children and … This is when Brad pretended to drown and look jealous of Kristy.

 

After reviving himself, Brad and DeAnna snuck off for some alone time.   DeAnna didn’t get the kiss on her solo time because there were three other girls watching, and she’s just not like that.  Brad said he liked her because she was stronger than most women he was around.  I think that’s code for “bitch” but Brad doesn’t seem to mind and he has liked her since he first saw her.  Since having the other women watch cramps his style, Brad stole Jenni away to a different area, where the prying eyes couldn’t follow and Brad could make out with the girl whose looking like a shoo in to take home the promise ring.  Red flag, people!  Whoever is made out to be the favorite early, goes home in that first limo on the finale, crying and slinging snot and talking about how she thought what they had was real.  How could she have been so blind?  Etc.  Anyway, today Jenni and Brad make out in the hammock.  Upstairs with the other girls, Hillary is crying because she didn’t get to make out with the Bachelor…Please Hillary.  You are a psycho.  Forget it, I don’t speak Crazy and you clearly don’t understand English.

 

Next up was the final date of the evening.  Sheena (Princess of Power!) and her one on one with Brad.  Brad was excited because he  knew that Chad liked Sheena and he wanted to get to know her better.  So for their date Brad planted little “surprises” along the way.  However, the biggest surprise was ol’ Sheena heading down the stairs on her behind after tripping.  Both she and Brad handled it perfectly, though.  She laughed at herself and he didn’t laugh as much as he wanted to…The date, which was dinner amongst a lot of balloons went well, and Sheena got the kiss that she was wanting.  But only after Brad gave her a pair of diamond earrings that she got to keep.  How cool is that?  And raise your hand if those puppies end up on eBay in the near future.  Me too.

 

Back at the House, Sheena tells the otherladies about her amazing date.  I don’t know why she would do that but it did end up working out because Bettina complained that her date didn’t sound as cool as Sheena’s.  Wow.  Of course at the rose ceremony Bettina said that she was only joking.  Uuuhhh okay.

 

To the Rose ceremony.  Brad, sweetie, you may be the “Sexiest Bachelor Ever”, but you wear some really bad ties.  At the rose ceremony, was it a test to see who really cared about you to wear the skinny-striped number.  Because that was a bad moment for you.  But that wasn’t the biggest mistake that was made in the Rose Ceremony.

 

Sometimes, in reality television, there comes a moment where you just want to throw things at the television and scream for the person to quit.  Last night, we had just such an occasion when Sheena decided to read Brad a Sheena Original Poem.  And it goes a little something like this:

 

            I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm

           The patch of blonde hair on your ears your goals, and most of all your charm.

            It’s weird that I just met you and I don’t know if we’re meant to be. 

           I do know every time you leave, it’s you I want to see.           

          So Cheers to the sweetest guy I know, and the journey yet to come  

          I hope I get to stick around cause I know we’d have lots of fun. 

Being the gallant gentleman that he is, Brad asked to keep the poem and instead of insulting her writing.  I hope it’s to burn and not show his friends later, but there ya go.  I think it says something when your new lady friend “compliments you” on the line of moles on your arm and your ear hair.  I don’t know what it says, but there’s a definite problem there, maybe.  I don’t know.

 

DeAnna takes Brad out by themselves and she rights the wrong of the other day by getting some private makeout time with the Bachelor.  Good for her.  Bettina tells Brad that she thought their date was perfect, which made me wonder what a bad date with Bettina looks like.  Brad must really feel NOTHING for Hillary because he and Bettina looked so stiff together, that it was a little awkward to watch.  And then she tells him that now she knows that she wants to kiss him and she wants his hands on her….Wha?  That sounded odd just coming out of her mouth.  She said that she’s comfortable and she tells him that she feels something deeper than what she’s ever felt.

 

But even with Brad’s fugly tie, and Sheena reading that god-awful poem and Bettina using phrases like “Hands on me” the biggest idiot of the evening award goes to Hillary.  First, she dressed as though she was supposed to be Cinderella at Disney World – way more formal, hair up, looking about 15 years older than she is.  Still not the bad part.  Then Brad tried to prepare her for the fact that she wasn’t going to get a rose, using all of the polite ways to tell a girl (or guy for that matter) that you’re better off as friends.  Those phrases include “good talks, I love those,” “such a good friend,” “something a little different,” and “you holding up okay?”  Then Hillary says she feels the same way that he does, at which point poor Brad thought he was in the clear.  You could tell in that split second he was SOOOO very relieved.   Unfortunately, Hillary followed that with terms like “so much chemistry,” and “lover” and “husband.”  That is when I am pretty sure our old friend Chris Harrison handed Brad a barf bag, because the relief was gone and he was looking pretty pale and nauseous.  Then Hillary went and did an interview where she says she can tell that he feels something for her and that she wore the white Cinderella dress because she wants him to think of how beautiful she would look in her wedding dress.  Yeesh.  Hide your head in a pillow awful.  Leave the room and pour yourself a strong drink awful.  Taking a screwdriver to your eardrums, well you get it.  Sheena’s poem was embarrassing for me to watch but watching Hillary go through all of that was just absolutely painful.

 

It was pretty easy to tell that Kristy and Hillary were getting the boot. I mean Brad knows that when a girl doesn’t like you enough to go down a slip and slide, it’s pretty much over.  As for Hillary, Brad basically did everything short of driving her to the airport before the rose ceremony.   And it ain’t like Hillary was the first girl to get kicked off who was utterly psycho.  But man, the complete breakdown outside to the camera where she couldn’t breathe was awful.  So bad that Brad asked Bettina to hold his champagne while he went outside and hugged Hillary.  Wow.  The whole scene couldn’t have been worse for Hillary.  She should move somewhere with no reality television and no chance of syndication of this hour-long trip into the annals of reality television breakdown history.  She was talking about how she couldn’t breathe, but I think that’s because her dress was 6 sizes too small kinda like the Grinch’s heart at the beginning of the movie.    Then she told Brad how much she was falling for him and that she couldn’t believe she was going home without him in her arms.  Did she forget there were cameras?  I wouldn’t have that scene outside of a local Chili’s much less on ABC.  Wow Hillary.   And as Brad and his chosen four toast, Hillary was still outside bawling about the make-believe family date there would have been had Brad not thought she was such a good friend. 

 

Next week- Brad meets the four families.  It promises to be a rocking good time.

  

ANTM: Smarty Smurf and a Whoopsy Daisy

The episode starts with Victoria telling us how much smarter she is than all of us, while also telling the other girls that their dream of being “America’s Next Top Model” was stupid, becuase it wasn’t her dream until a couple of weeks ago.  I was starting to get mad because if all of the stupid girls in America are made aware of this, then how am I going to be able to sit at my house on a random Wednesday and say snarky things about them?  Shut up, Victoria!  But all of my anger quickly melted away because this was THE MAKEOVER EPISODE!!!  My favorite episode every season (I refuse to call these cycles, Tyra, I am not your monkey!) because the girls become Tyra’s own life-size Barbie Dolls.  She can take a girl who has always had long, black hair and cut her hair to look like Brigitte Nielson in Rocky IV.  She can shave women bald.  She will take a hippie girl and try to make her glam.  And you can bet that if there is a girl there who fancies herself the next Tyra, Tyra will make that girl pay, with horrible hair extensions, or a mohawk Mr. T would be proud of. Oh, and one more thing…if you don’t agree with Tyra’s infinite wisdom?  You are an ungrateful so and so who will see the business end of a Tyra Banks hissy fit…I could watch that woman get mad every day.  Watch that clip carefully, and you can almost see them flipping cue cards for Ms. Tyra…Hee!  I love this show.

So anyway, back to the episode: Makeovers, cat fights, Tyra at her most powerful.  Each year, a must-see episode. This year, the girls went to the Ken Paves salon (He and Jessica Simpson are BFF, so he is good enough for Tyra, even though she is uber-preachy this year).  There are some key phrases that these quasi-models should be aware of, and one in particular – if Tyra ever says you “have a strong face”  just get ready, because they are pulling out the hedge clippers, cutting your hair either all the way off or into something fugly, and you are gonna suffer for the rest of the show.  “Strong face” is code for “I am jealous of you and your youth and you must pay in inches of hair…Live with it, because if you complain, you are ungrateful and I will sick Ms. Jay on you with a flash of hair weave, sarcastic attitude and probably a spike heel.”  The first two girls out of the box tonight had strong faces – one went bald and the other made Julia Roberts’ Tinkerbell hair cut from Steel Magnolias look like a good decision.  This season will always be known as the year that Tyra took a lot of girls to bald and gave several of them some very unfortunate bangs…yeesh.  Uh oh, no Tyra, I am not ungrateful, No I’m sorry!  No Not Ms. Jay!  Get away from me with that decorative umbrella!! Aaaahhhh!!

I am back, and I would just like to say that all the girls look gorgeous.  I didn’t necessarily enjoy seeing how they got there.  I don’t think I will ever get over seeing them pulling the wig off of Ebony’s head, and the strain of having to do so against the RUBBER CEMENT that was holding it on…that must be uncomfortable…Ow, oh, sweet fancy Moses!  That has to hurt.  At the end of all of that, they sewed a wig into her head…Again! OUCH!!!  Bianca was supposed to go blonde, but because of the flourescent pink, Kelly Osbourn hair color she bought off the internet, they were worried that all of her hair would fall out.  So how do they prevent that from happening?  They shaved her head…Now you know there is a model pulling the strings on this show.  I don’t want her to go bald, so I am going to shave her bald.  Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?  They make it up to her by giving her some great wigs to wear at the shoots.  And during her moment of emotional distress, while  she was ready to take the clippers away from the hair dresser and slit her wrists, Ms. Jay stood over her calling himself Dr. Teardroplets, and generally making a joke out of it. Ha!  That made me laugh a little.  In her wig she ended up looking like Brandy (Prior to Brandy getting accused of murder and all). 

The challenge this week is for the girls to do their own makeup (by Cover Girl, nothing like a little product placement), and then do a photo shoot.  So, Nigel, whose wife apparently is a makeup artist (you could do better Nigel!  Call or text me you English fancy boy!), tells them to create a dramatic eye and a fancy lip or some such.  Then the girls get like 11 seconds to do their makeup.  The ensuing chaos with twelve 18 and 19 year-old aspiring models all around one mirror trying to impress judges – that is my own personal hell.  Just watching it put my teeth on edge.  Sarah won, and the judges thought her dramatic winged eye was a big risk.  I think someone just hit her elbow when she was putting on her eyeliner.  Happy mistake!

The photo shoot this week involved the girls becoming various flowers.  I guess this is a continuation of Tyra’s new au naturel movement.  I don’t know.  Either way, the result was that they looked like porn-y Anne Geddes picture.  Favorite critique from the Jay who realizes he has a penis has to be when he told Ambreal that she was beautiful, but her weakness was her face.  Heh heh.  And also, a word to Chantal:  Hard to feel sorry for you when you are crying whilst dressed like a calla-lilly.  I’m just saying.  She looked more like a Whoopsy-Daisy at that point.

Irony of the night:  the slightly autistic girl had to be “weeds.”  I will just let that speak for itself.

At Judges’ Table, Victoria, a.k.a. Smarty Smurf, came after Twiggy for the 3rd week in a row.  I like Smarty, I think it’s fun to watch her be an intelligent, curious, inquisitive person when she is forced onto a shoot where she has to dress up like a cactus.  I mean, that’s weird.  Question it, give us entertaining interviews, but please don’t snipe at Twiggy, it will only get you killed off the show.  Then we’ll be left with a sobbing Chantal for 38 minutes of the 43-minute show.  Don’t leave me Victoria!

The rest of the judging was pretty status quo.  Tyra posing for the girls to prove what she thinks is superiority.  Tyra doing impressions of the girls, whatever.  The bottom two were Victoria and Saleisha.  And Victoria hits the road.  I guess now she can put on that t-shirt and head on back to the library.  Tyra told her to quit her backtalk, and it’s like you could see Victoria just figuring out a business plan for buying out Tyra’s Bankable Productions and making her sweep gutters or something.  Bye Smarty Smurf.  I will miss you.