The Bachelor Recap: He did WHAT?!?

Okay, so here is your somewhat belated Bachelor post.  As an added bonus and an apology for being so late, I am going to include commentary about the After the Final Rose show.  So here we go.

First, a list of Ways that Watching the Bachelor Finale Can Be Ruined:

1. Include your brother, who has not watched the show much, thinks Brad is a tool, and sits on the couch flipping through an Us magazine the whole time whilst making snide remarks about the way Brad talks.

2. Feel as though your getting gypped because the episode is only 58 minutes long and does not include a shower scene with Brad.

3. Brad proves your brother right at the end of the show giving him five minutes’ worth of “told you so” commentary, which is followed by you wishing Brad hadn’t wasted everyone’s time.

 Chris Harrison quickly recaps this season.  Basically, Brad met 25 women and now there are two left.  I really think Chris Harrison has the easiest job in the world sometimes…but I’ve given Chris a pretty hard time.   So as we tune into see who is going home crying, I will try to keep the Chris jokes to a minimum if possible. Plus, I would hate to take out my bitterness toward Brad on Chris.  That’s like having a bad game of Guitar Hero and taking it out on your secretary at work.  It’s just uncool (the taking it out on your secretary, not Guitar Hero because it’s completely cool).

No shower scene this episode, but we do get a scene of Brad looking out over his deck pondering his future.  That’s when his two brothers and mom show up.  I think we should pause for a moment of silence in honor of the Brother who isn’t Chad.  He’s got two siblings who are chiseled, well-built, well-dressed millionaires, and he looks like the lead singer from Smashmouth.  That is him in the front of that picture.

Brad describes DeAnna as an independent woman.  Do you think that Brad takes all of his descriptions of these women from Destiny’s Child songs?  I, for one think Beyonce is a genius, but I would hope the guy in my life would come up with something on his own…Anyway, Chad makes lame joke that he is Brad, Mom tells DeAnna that she is just gonna call her DD because she can’t remember her name, or some such.  From what I could tell, the family time consisted of a champagne lunch, a stroll with Mama, and ended with Brad and his brothers jumping fully clothed into the pool.  During the Mama chat, DD tells Mama that she is falling in love with her son.  While DD is telling Mama that she is so in love, Brad is back at the pool with his brothers telling them how confused he is.  Hindsight is 20/20 and all but this should have raised the red flag.  All in all, it looked like the whole thing took about 20 minutes.  In fact, it probably took me longer to type this than their date did.  Brad tells DD that his family loved her “of course.” 

“Of course” and “at all” are Brad’s fall back phrases.  Throughout the seasons of the Bachelor, there have always been words and phrases  that are overused.  “Amazing,” ”connection,” “most dramatic rose ceremony ever” to name a few, but Brad’s “of course” and “at all” usage is off the charts.  I don’t know why it bugs me, but I suspect it has something to do with Brad wasting my time for months now.  Blech.

Date #2 is Jenni.  Jenni is all happy and cheerleader-y.  And the producer gives Smashmouth the sign so he can ask, “When do we get to meet this Jenni?” and the knock on the door would happen at that exact moment.  All of the Womacks have a nice, hearty laugh and it looked like the final scene on an episode of the Brady Bunch or something (nope, not bitter “at all”).  Brad hugs her and then proceeds to his constant fixing of hair before introducing her to his family.  Mama asks the awkward question of whether Jenni has told her son she loves him yet, to which Jenni says no and then starts into her machine gun laugh that she does when she’s nervous, or happy, or really just breathing.  It was then that Mama takes Jenni on the walk and gets down to business.  Mama says if Jenni marries Brad she will be marrying his family and that she’d tell Brad yes if he proposed.  Something like, “Yes, I love you, let’s go now!” Insert machine gun laugh here.  I am pretty sure the vases on the table were rattling.  The whimsical brothers had found a football by the time they got back out there, and Jenni shows off her catching ability.  I guess they were out of dry clothes for them to repeat the pool scene they had with DD.

Brad and Mama then go on a walk in which Brad tells Mama how confused he is, and how when he is with DD he thinks of Jenni and vice versa.  Red Flag #2.  Brad is worried that he is gonna break two hearts (of course, we know now that he will, but it isn’t his and the woman he doesn’t choose, it’s both of the girls).  Boooooo, Brad.

Onto the last one-on-one dates, where the women get to cook for their man.  Usually, this is done at the Bachelor pad, but this year ABC decided to use some sort of Model Apartments type setting.  Seriously, the outside of the building looked like the one they use on “Blind Date” when they get all sauced and end up at some random hot tub.  That’s what the building reminded me of, and if it’s too obscure a reference, just move on…

DD has made lasagna and is lighting candles and says that she wants to end up with a guy who she can eat dinner with.  Umm, okay.  Dinner was spent with DD smiling sweetly and telling Brad she loves him.  Brad complimented her cooking and telling her that she’s everything he’s ever looked for in a wife and mother.  DD says that where the dishes go is very important to her…I know, it seemed pretty random to me too.  On the couch in the model apartment, DD continued to pour out her heart and blink a lot.  The whole time Brad looked kinda nauseous.  Red Flag #3.

Back to the Blind Date house for his one-on-one with Jenni.  Jenni has made some sort dish that requires chop sticks.  I think she must have poked herself in the eye with one of them too, because she cried – A LOT!  Jenni broke down at the dinner table and then Brad comforted her and told her not to be sorry – at all, at all.  Don’t be sorry at all.  I am telling you he uses that phrase all the time.  For every one of Jenni’s tears, Brad said “at all.”  I am not even kidding.  Jenni then just decided it was time to say everything she’s ever had in her head about Brad.  At one point she even pulled out her diary and read it to him.  “Dear diary- today I met Brad and he is super-cute.  I love him.  I love everything about him.  I will love you forever, even if you choose the other girl.  If you take a chance on me (Think Andy Bernard!) I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.”  Oh, sweetie…I don’t think there has ever been more snot on a final date.  Brad reassured her that the crying was fine and then excused himself to see if the ABC staff had stocked the model apartment with some Pepto.  Seriously, during both of the last two one-on-one dates, he looked like he was fixing to vomit.

And with only a 58-minute show, they wasted five minutes of it with Brad buying an engagement ring…a ring he is probably auctioning on eBay right now.  Brad then put on his khaki suit and headed on over to the state park in front of the ocean where they set up a pedestal for him to stand on.  Every year, it’s this moment that you wait for.  Who is gonna get out of the first limo, because that is the girl who is gonna get kicked to the curb…Of course this year is different, but the first time through I didn’t know that.  Aaaaaaand Jenni gets out.  Chris Harrison greets her and then escorts her to the steps where he leaves.  I am thinking that Chris Harrison must have a pretty good idea what an executioner feels like.  Jenni is all nerves and smiley-faced.  And I felt so bad for her right then.  Brad tells her how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, and thanks for the free haircut, but he needs more and he can’t get it from Jenni.  Goodbye, Jenni. 

I thought Jenni took it pretty well.  She tells him that she feels embarrassed about telling him how she felt. Brad tells her not to be embarrassed “at all” (AARGH!).  Then they hug and he walks her to the limo.  Jenni wishes him happiness and then gets in the car.  Good for her.  Then she cries in the limo.  I hope they at least give her a xanax.

Next up, DD’s turn.  The first time I watched this, I felt like DD was getting the rose but no ring.  Brad just seemed too confused.  I did NOT expect him to break up with her too.  That means this dude has broken up with 25 people in like four weeks.  That is probably some sort of record, don’t you think?

Anyway, DD absolutely was must-see television during the breakup.  He starts off telling her all the things he loved about her and how perfect she was.  And then he did the cruelest thing he does which is to tell her prior to breaking up with her that he had just said goodbye to Jenni.  As he saw the relieved smile come over her face, he had a mini-anxiety attack where he stepped down off the pedestal and tugged at his tie while she stood up there ALONE and putting on her bitch face (which is a GREAT bitch face, by the way).  I thought she was gonna stab him in the neck with her eyeliner pencil or something.  By the time he got back up on the pedestal to finish his thought, DD had gone from sweet and relieved to dark and bitchy.  Where Jenni was all huggy and crying, DD was not about to hug this guy.  She asked if she was just a friend and Brad says “Not at all.”  Of course he did.  Brad: I hope you know that I care about you. DD: No, I don’t.  I thought I did but I don’t.

Then she told him that it was breakups like this why she didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve.  Really, DD? Breakups like this one?  As in, every time a guy I really love invites me to a State park to stand on a pedestal and then tells me I can’t have that rose that’s sitting right there, it just hurts me so much?  Because that seems odd to me.  I don’t know, it just does.  Maybe that happens in Georgia a lot…I don’t know.

But DD bucks up, tells him he’ll regret his decision and then she and her gold dress that made her butt look huge got back in the car and went back to the Blind Date house.  What a downer.  Usually, no matter how bad you feel for the first girl who leaves, you at least get the happy ending.  The twirling around and the kissing and “I love you too.”  This time the last segment of the show was the second girl crying in the limo, Brad sitting alone staring at an engagement ring while sitting in the State Park.  He looked pathetic, but it was pretty hard to feel sorry for the guy…Nope, I felt sorry for DD who we see carrying her shoes down the hall in silence as she shuts herself back into the model apartment.

Fast Forward to After the Final Rose:

If I had been Brad, I would have sent Chad out there instead.  In an effort to help us feel like this show is not a complete waste of time, Trista and Ryan (along with their baby Max) as well as Byron and Mary (who are still together but have been engaged longer now than Pam and Roy were on The Office).  But it’s like ABC wants us to know “See? It’s not a waste of time, I promise…these things do work out like 8% of the time.”  Mary says that they’re getting married in November.  But this show aired on November 20th so I guess she means November of 2008?  I don’t know, but since Mary was the famous “my eggs are rotting” girl she better get cracking.

I’m not gonna recap the whole show.  It was pretty predictable.  The girls were pissed.  Brad admitted he has some commitment issues, but confirmed that he isn’t gay.  DD (who wore a garbage bag to the show) even told him that since he isn’t with anyone still, she would have taken him back…I didn’t see that coming but Brad stuck to his guns. That boy is not going to be tied down.  Hmmm.

I would love to end this by swearing off the Bachelor forever, but that would just be a lie.  I’ll watch again this spring.  It’s an addiction, I guess.  I could have worse problems.

The Bachelor: Pity Roses, Tears, and the Switcharoo!!

All right!  The Bachelor is back for ninety minutes, and tonight’s episode is the one where Brad, Chad, and the crafty producers of this show decide to pull the ol’ switcharoo…This is gonna be great!  On a related note, people, please do not name your twins rhyming names.  It’s just not good for anyone.

First, a couple of thoughts:  I was happy that Brad didn’t automatically keep the clumsy girl who fell down the stairs.  I don’t know that any of the other former Bachelors were gutsy enough to do that, and so I applaud you, Brad.  However, I don’t think any of us would have thought Brad less gallant for cutting Solisa who got so-drunk, so-nude, and so-crazy.  Oh well, we can’t all bat 1.000, can we?

First group date is the circus.  The circus date included a lot of participation on the part of the women and Brad, and they even got to play with the clowns and do fun tricks like walk the tight rope (which was about 5 inches off the ground), and watch Brad wear a really fancy coat complete with sequins.  Jenni even did a round off, back handspring, back tuck, just like at a high school pep rally.  During their one on one time, Brad and Jenni relive their kiss, and she tells him how important her dance career is to her.  I can tell that ol’ Brad is really loving him some Jenni. 

Steffy took her one on one time to tell Brad how much she loved her dad and this soliloquy was complete with tears.  Get used to the tears because that will become a theme of this episode.  Scoff if you want but she ended up getting the rose from this date because “she really put herself out there.”

As for the show, the ladies and Brad are introduced to the crowd, where Brad (“the sexiest bachelor yet”) introduces the actual Ring Master.  You could tell he had prepared a speech…Hahaha.  And that is when Brad - who has seemed the most normal guy, a good guy, a guy you would want to date, and even just hang out with – that’s when he made a reference to Titanic, because getting introduced at the Barnum and Bailey Circus made him feel like the King of the World…A couple more tool comments like that and his rankings could plummet.

McCarten is pulled out of the show, and she compares her relationship with Brad to the tight rope walk.  She has learned so much on this date…Wow.

Next Date Box: “Silly Hillary,” the nurse who wants to take Brad’s vitals gets the one on one.  All the other girls at the house immediately begin the eye-rolling and back-stabbing.  Wanna know how mad at least one of them was?  She did Hillary’s hair – poorly.  Hillary looked like a girl who wandered in from a White Snake video.  The dress they provided her was just one big black sequin, and they topped it off with some very expensive, borrowed jewelry that I can honestly say was the biggest waste of diamonds since J.Lo’s engagement rings.  Of course, before the Bachelor got there to present the jewelry, Chris Harrison gathered all the other girls to sit on the couch and watch. 

My theory is that Chris has many un-aired duties when it comes to this show.  We all see some of them:  Recapping what has happened thus far voice over at the beginning of every show.  The tink-tink-tink on his champagne flute to get the Bachelor out of the clutches of the girls at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  Taking us to commercial break by promising us that some women will continue on while others will end up alone, childless, and only have cats for friends.  And would anyone else know when there was only one rose left if Chris didn’t step in and inform them, “Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose this evening.”  But there is more to Chris’ role I think.  For instance, the gathering of the girls on the couch, or getting the borrowed jewelry off the neck of the lucky woman who got to borrow it for the 3 1/2 hour date, and who do you think shops for all the trinkets the girls go crazy over in the “date boxes”?  Oh, I think it’s one Mr. Chris Harrison.  Oh, yes.

Anyway, Hillary’s date.  Or as I like to call it, what would have happened in Pretty Woman if Richard Gere had picked up Kit instead of Vivian.  Of course, the date itself was straight out of the movie, private plane, borrowed jewelry, a night on the town, etc.  Only instead of relaxing and enjoying themselves over dinner, Hillary cried the whole time.  She would give up the jewelry if she could just fall “Crazy in Love.”  I kept waiting on Beyonce to come flying into the room in a gold dress.  After dinner, Brad continued in his role as “Hillary’s Tear-Wiper” as she continued to cry about how much she wanted to fall in love with him.  Of course, the girls at the house are all talking about how they hope Brad kicks Hillary and her jewelry to the curb on their date because more roses for them…Who says that they can’t do math?  As we return to what is quickly turning into a Kleenex commercial, Brad is handing her the rose.  Definitely a pity rose, but it made me wonder whether he would have had to ride back on the same plane with her after he dumped her…Maybe it was just him trying to avoid another uncomfortable situation.

Back at the house, the final date box arrived, and each of the girls going acted surprised when her name was called.  Really?  There are three dates total, 2 of which have already taken place.  So if you haven’t been on one - this date box (which was lovingly put together by Chris Harrison’s own two hands) – is for you.  The note just says “Come sail away with Me – Brad.  It was now that my brother’s girlfriend pointed out that for two weeks in a row, Solisa the stripper has been on a date where bathing suits play an integral part.  I bet Chris Harrison picks who goes on which dates too.  Good television, Chris.  Keep up the good work!

So they hopped aboard a pirate ship for a day of fun, liquor, and the rest of the girls.  Kristy is steering the boat during her alone time and it reminded me of the “Booze Cruise” episode of The Office where Dwight is out on the front of the boat steering with a fake wheel.  But I digress.  Kristy obviously impressed Brad because she eventually gets the rose from the date.

 But not before Solisa gave Brad a lap dance.  That girl just puts it right out there, doesn’t she?  I bet the congregation at her church has put her on permanent prayer list status, don’t you think?  Sheena took a different tact: possible disfigurement by Sea-Doo.  They even got pulled over by the Coast Guard.  And ol’ Bettina finally managed to get up the courage to tell Brad about her divorce.  She was afraid of how he would take it since Brad “doesn’t believe in divorce.”  Who does “believe in divorce?”  Maybe at Solisa’s church.

Back at the house, Hillary asks the rest of the girls which ones didn’t want her to come back (y’know, by a show of hands).  Of course, the two girls that dared raise their hands and tell her the truth, she calls “Straight up witches.”  What answer did she expect?

And now the Switcharoo!!  Whee!  So the plan is for Chad, the brother, to attend the cocktail party as Brad.  Brad is hoping that Chad can help him out and tell him which of the girls is genuine.  Brad is also hoping that the girls notice that it’s not him in the party.  You know why?  Because the two of them look remarkably different.  Sure, they tried to make them look more alike – their hair is combed the same way, Brad tells his brother little tidbits about the ladies, and of course Chris Harrison dressed them in matching suits and ties, but I don’t think Chad spends nearly as much time in the gym as his brother does, and there are all kinds of differences that you can spot.  But, let’s face it, the ladies in the house are not rocket scientists – they are acupuncutrists and estheticians and Phoenix Suns Dancers, so I could see where you could get away with it.  And on this show, you could put a suit on a monkey and these girls would fight over a rose.

I would like to go on the record that I thouroughly enjoyed the switcharoo twist.  But Chad was on the show for about the last half hour, and in that time, there were a couple of staged conversations that just killed me.  The worst offender had to be the one where they were having a beer, and Brad posed the idea of Chad being him for the cocktail party as if Chad didn’t know what he was there to do…Please!  You showed up at the house dressed in the exact same outfit as your brother!  It just lets you know how stupid ABC must think we are…Stop setting up these conversations and show me more crazy girls!!  That’s why we tune in…Phew.  I feel better.

So the cocktail party was Chad running the gauntlet of ladies who have been placed around the house, I would guess so that the camera crew could tell him the girl’s name before he got there.  The first few didn’t know it was an imposter.  McCarten and Lindsey had no clue.   Sheena was the first one to notice and said that Chad didn’t have the weird patch of hair on his ear…Points for noticing it wasn’t Brad.  Points off for telling me more about Brad’s hair patterns that I ever wanted to know.  Also points off for crying…more damn crying.  Kristy also nailed it right off the bat.  Steffy could tell by the teeth, or she was really drunk…she wasn’t sure.  Sarah had no clue, other than to say that her alone time today was “different.”  Ya think?  Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I saw Jenni the whole cocktail party…why was that?

Anyway, onto the rose ceremony.  The 3 ladies who went home weren’t hard to see coming necessarily.  Sheena, McCarten, Jenni, Jade, DeAnna, and Bettina joined Steffy, Kristy, and Hillary as the proud owners of thorny flowers.  Lindsey, Sarah, and So-Long Solisa hit the road this episode.  Solisa cried, saying that she wears her special parts on the outside and he just didn’t see what he wanted.  Note to Solisa: Your “special parts” aren’t supposed to be on the outside, please put your top back on.

Lindsey tells the camera she wasn’t gonna cry.  And then she walked off camera to cry.  Hmmm.  She then did the rest of the interview from the side, whilst crying.  Next week: one on one showdown between Jade and DeAnna.  Only one can get the rose.  The claws come out, and it promises to be some excellent reality television.  WHEEE!!