Girlicious…Oh, That’s Right

I know that it’s been a while since I gave you a good blog about some ridiculous television, but even though I had lapsed into semi-retirement, one phenomenon has got me blogging again.  No, it isn’t Coral and Beth’s Gauntlet showdown (even though that was hilarious!) It’s the brand new show, “Girlicious” on the CW.  It is a spinoff from “The Next Pussycat Doll” show from last year.  Now, I know I am on record as having boycotted that show, but that was before I was informed that they eliminated girls by having them…wait for it…hang up their pink boa!!!  I mean I am all for the regular catch phrase eliminations…You’re fired, You didn’t get a rose, Your tour ends here…but the feather boa idea just took it to an amazing level…I was so happy to get a second chance to get in on this action, because let’s face it, that show ain’t coming to DVD any time soon.  So I was excited to catch Girlicious last night in its entirety.The set-up: Robin Antonin is the “mastermind” behind the Pussy Cat Dolls (PCD) success.  She looks like Fergie and talks like Joey Tribbiani’s agent, Estelle.  She will be assisted by a super-gay choreographer with an attitude, a vocal coach whose resume includes working with Jennifer Lopez and the Spice Girls (so you know he can polish a turd), and the big kicker: the show is hosted by Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray fame…It is just a perfect setup for unintentional comedy.  We begin with the semi-finals, 15 girls, but only 12 can collect their feather boas (yes!) and move into the Girlicious loft.  As we meet the 15 girls, we learn that they each are willing to give their sob stories (dead dad, heart surgery, etc.), or share an inappropriate tattoo (cherries on her hoo-ha, really?), or that they are a lesbian, but they ALL like to “party.”  Of course they do…They split the 15 girls into 5 groups of 3 so I want to thank the production assistant who managed to help Robin with her division.  The girls then chose their group’s track for auditions by pulling the song off a board that have been performed by successful, groundbreaking girl groups like the Supremes or En Vogue…I am telling you, watching this show is just 60 minutes of pure entertainment.Of course, as we cut to the training sessions, the girls all have tension within their groups…One girl (in the “We got the beat” group) is a weak dancer (Charlotte), and asked how she felt about it, her fellow band member says that it’s okay but she just knows that some are slower than others….(Awww, snap!)…Hard to look cool when you are learning to dance while singing into your water bottle I guess.  But fear not, Charlotte, all the groups are having trouble.  I mean, Jenna has cramps, and Carrie’s look, according to Jack McFarland is “just tragic.”  So stick with it, girl.After a full day of auditions, the girls are invited to the super-exclusive Interscope Records Tom-Tom Club for a night out (Insert my “what club? face” and squealing in the background by the girls).  Of course, when they are only given 15 minutes to get ready, you knew there was going to be some major drama.  Here comes Charlotte again…She wants to borrow some boots from Natalie.  Natalie won’t let her because she wants to hurt her competition…and “it’s not like anyone said, ‘Hey Natalie, pack boots for Charlotte’” Eye roll.  It’s at this point while watching the show, that you may feel like your life has reached an all-time low because you are on your couch watching a group of teenage girls fight over a pair of boots.  Push through that feeling, folks, and remind yourself that it is only by putting others down that we can feel good about ourselves.Okay, to the Tom-Tom Club.  I am not really sure that this is anything more than a warehouse with a karaoke machine and a stage.  They show the girls coming in where there is no crowd, a short “red carpet” that I am pretty sure was a doormat at a large building 30 minutes ago and a rope line that was holding no one out.  When they get in there, the only people there were Robin, Jack McFarland, Sugar Ray, and (gasp!) Nelly Furtado.  Bring on the karaoke!The girls all clap and squeal.  Carrie is particularly excited because where she is from they used to call her “Carrie-oke.”  Aren’t you glad you pushed through?  These people actually exist and are wandering the streets.  So the next time you lock your keys in your car or forget to turn off the stove, remember that there are plenty of people dumber than you, and they think they are the next Einstein.In an attempt to make them all more embarrassed, the girls are forced to sing songs by PCD, Sugar Ray, and Nelly Furtado…in front of the artist who recorded it.  Get it? OMG, like, how embarrassing.  Meanwhile, they flash to Nelly Furtado who has a look on her face that says she is mentally composing her suicide note in which she blames her agent for booking her on this show and ponders where exactly her career went wrong.More drama: Jenna has a cyst that almost ruptured and she showed up the next day in her wheelchair.  If you thought the dance was ridiculous before, watching Jenna roll around to “Where did our love go” was amazing…Meanwhile, Charlotte is having a tough time with her choreography and blames not having Natalie’s boots for it…Robin is not pleased.Performance Time:Let me just say that up until their performances, not a single harmony had sounded on at all in any of the rehearsals.  But hell if all of them weren’t right on during this segment.  Now, I am not big on conspiracy theories, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some serious voice over work going on…The eliminations were pretty uneventful.  Robin announced the people moving on with a standard “Congratulations.”  I am ready for the feather boas, but that’s next week…At the end of the night, the remaining 12 picked up their feather boas and danced around on stage with them…amazing…All but Charlotte, Keshia, and Kristin moved on.  They will NOT be in Girlicious.  I think all three of them will look back on this elimination as a happy time…But maybe that’s just me.   

The Hills: Finale

Okay, so let’s get to the Hills finale, shall we?  I know, I know, it has been a stinking long time since you last heard from me.  There has been work, and a trip with my best friend EVER, and holiday parties complete with Dirty Santa, but I know what you really want to know about right now are some Hills thoughts…So here we go – and let’s go by character, shall we?

Lisa Love – Seriously? This is the woman who is supposed to help teens find their “fashion voice” or whatever you call it?  She is a poor man’s Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada, isn’t she?  And who didn’t absolutely know that Lauren was gonna get to go to Paris once she made that comment about “I think Lauren had her chance to go to Paris.”  Come on, Lisa!

Audrina – Worthless this episode, but while we are here, when you go out with a hot Australian guy like that, shouldn’t you be a little bit concerned about the thing on his lip?  I mean, that is a sign of a certain STD, right?  Get that boy some Valtrex or at least get me an explanation…

Lo – Where are you?  Why have you left me with no Lo goodness to tide me over?  I miss you Lo, because I, too, enjoy judging people…

Brody – Good work on the shaved head.  I think that is an excellent look for you.  I love your curls, but you tend to wait about ten days too long for a haircut when you’re growing it out, so the shaved head, I can get on board with…But when it comes to Lauren, you need to piss or get off the pot.  You know you want to date this girl, she makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, you’re both beautiful people, and she can get you air-time on a reality show on MTV.  For you, she is the total package.  But you are playing the strategy game.  As long as you two are “just friends” albeit with privileges, you can take full advantage of your “fame” and date around without Lauren banishing you to the land of Speidi…I smell what you’re cooking Brody.

Whitney – This episode really showcased Whitney in all of her awkward, face-making glory.  She is excited to go to Paris, but knows that Lauren is going to wanna go to.  Sweet, adorable little Whitney feels awkward, and it leads her to make some hilarious faces, and to stick her foot in her mouth around Lauren, like by asking if she had ever been to Paris “this time of year.” To which Lauren, all feeling sorry for herself and pouty has to turn to Whitney and say, “No, I’ve never been - ever.”  Hee.  Awkward Whitney is hilarious.

Heidi – about time you grew some courage there, buddy.  You told him not to leave, and he left.  You are “going home for a while” which is only going to lead to the whole I told you so lecture from the parents, but you got that coming anyway.  Heidi is the poster child for all of us who are glad that our early 20s weren’t documented by MTV cameras.  Who didn’t date that guy who you just knew was the one, but who now makes your skin crawl with just the memory of it all?  Now imagine that guy is Spencer…I know, Heidi will be lucky to get through this…Take some time, girl.

Spencer – Dropping by work?  Nope. Shouldn’t have left your girl at the apartment.  You know? The one where you spray painted the walls, moved in all sorts of arcade games, and a jelly fish tank.  Seriously, you live in an apartment not the local mall, buddy.  Maybe if you hadn’t spent all that money on jelly fish, you could have afforded an actual diamond…Geez.  Now your fifteen minutes are up.  Heidi’s gonna make up with Lauren (or not), but once that relationship is over, you are off of this show…and let’s just say that big teeth and a resemblance to Beavis never landed anyone a spin-off…See ya!

Lauren – off to Paris, no boyfriend, but happy to have made the decisions you have.  Good for you.  I look forward to your next season of work, your happy return, more flirtations with Brody, and your eventual lapse into quiet obscurity as the first 28 year-old still working at Teen vogue.  Come 2017, Lauren is gonna take home the disco ball trophy on Dancing With the Stars.  You heard it here first…

And as for the big announcement?  We get to see Lauren in Paris…it wasn’t the season finale after all!! Happy Holidays everyone!

The Bachelor Recap: He did WHAT?!?

Okay, so here is your somewhat belated Bachelor post.  As an added bonus and an apology for being so late, I am going to include commentary about the After the Final Rose show.  So here we go.

First, a list of Ways that Watching the Bachelor Finale Can Be Ruined:

1. Include your brother, who has not watched the show much, thinks Brad is a tool, and sits on the couch flipping through an Us magazine the whole time whilst making snide remarks about the way Brad talks.

2. Feel as though your getting gypped because the episode is only 58 minutes long and does not include a shower scene with Brad.

3. Brad proves your brother right at the end of the show giving him five minutes’ worth of “told you so” commentary, which is followed by you wishing Brad hadn’t wasted everyone’s time.

 Chris Harrison quickly recaps this season.  Basically, Brad met 25 women and now there are two left.  I really think Chris Harrison has the easiest job in the world sometimes…but I’ve given Chris a pretty hard time.   So as we tune into see who is going home crying, I will try to keep the Chris jokes to a minimum if possible. Plus, I would hate to take out my bitterness toward Brad on Chris.  That’s like having a bad game of Guitar Hero and taking it out on your secretary at work.  It’s just uncool (the taking it out on your secretary, not Guitar Hero because it’s completely cool).

No shower scene this episode, but we do get a scene of Brad looking out over his deck pondering his future.  That’s when his two brothers and mom show up.  I think we should pause for a moment of silence in honor of the Brother who isn’t Chad.  He’s got two siblings who are chiseled, well-built, well-dressed millionaires, and he looks like the lead singer from Smashmouth.  That is him in the front of that picture.

Brad describes DeAnna as an independent woman.  Do you think that Brad takes all of his descriptions of these women from Destiny’s Child songs?  I, for one think Beyonce is a genius, but I would hope the guy in my life would come up with something on his own…Anyway, Chad makes lame joke that he is Brad, Mom tells DeAnna that she is just gonna call her DD because she can’t remember her name, or some such.  From what I could tell, the family time consisted of a champagne lunch, a stroll with Mama, and ended with Brad and his brothers jumping fully clothed into the pool.  During the Mama chat, DD tells Mama that she is falling in love with her son.  While DD is telling Mama that she is so in love, Brad is back at the pool with his brothers telling them how confused he is.  Hindsight is 20/20 and all but this should have raised the red flag.  All in all, it looked like the whole thing took about 20 minutes.  In fact, it probably took me longer to type this than their date did.  Brad tells DD that his family loved her “of course.” 

“Of course” and “at all” are Brad’s fall back phrases.  Throughout the seasons of the Bachelor, there have always been words and phrases  that are overused.  “Amazing,” ”connection,” “most dramatic rose ceremony ever” to name a few, but Brad’s “of course” and “at all” usage is off the charts.  I don’t know why it bugs me, but I suspect it has something to do with Brad wasting my time for months now.  Blech.

Date #2 is Jenni.  Jenni is all happy and cheerleader-y.  And the producer gives Smashmouth the sign so he can ask, “When do we get to meet this Jenni?” and the knock on the door would happen at that exact moment.  All of the Womacks have a nice, hearty laugh and it looked like the final scene on an episode of the Brady Bunch or something (nope, not bitter “at all”).  Brad hugs her and then proceeds to his constant fixing of hair before introducing her to his family.  Mama asks the awkward question of whether Jenni has told her son she loves him yet, to which Jenni says no and then starts into her machine gun laugh that she does when she’s nervous, or happy, or really just breathing.  It was then that Mama takes Jenni on the walk and gets down to business.  Mama says if Jenni marries Brad she will be marrying his family and that she’d tell Brad yes if he proposed.  Something like, “Yes, I love you, let’s go now!” Insert machine gun laugh here.  I am pretty sure the vases on the table were rattling.  The whimsical brothers had found a football by the time they got back out there, and Jenni shows off her catching ability.  I guess they were out of dry clothes for them to repeat the pool scene they had with DD.

Brad and Mama then go on a walk in which Brad tells Mama how confused he is, and how when he is with DD he thinks of Jenni and vice versa.  Red Flag #2.  Brad is worried that he is gonna break two hearts (of course, we know now that he will, but it isn’t his and the woman he doesn’t choose, it’s both of the girls).  Boooooo, Brad.

Onto the last one-on-one dates, where the women get to cook for their man.  Usually, this is done at the Bachelor pad, but this year ABC decided to use some sort of Model Apartments type setting.  Seriously, the outside of the building looked like the one they use on “Blind Date” when they get all sauced and end up at some random hot tub.  That’s what the building reminded me of, and if it’s too obscure a reference, just move on…

DD has made lasagna and is lighting candles and says that she wants to end up with a guy who she can eat dinner with.  Umm, okay.  Dinner was spent with DD smiling sweetly and telling Brad she loves him.  Brad complimented her cooking and telling her that she’s everything he’s ever looked for in a wife and mother.  DD says that where the dishes go is very important to her…I know, it seemed pretty random to me too.  On the couch in the model apartment, DD continued to pour out her heart and blink a lot.  The whole time Brad looked kinda nauseous.  Red Flag #3.

Back to the Blind Date house for his one-on-one with Jenni.  Jenni has made some sort dish that requires chop sticks.  I think she must have poked herself in the eye with one of them too, because she cried – A LOT!  Jenni broke down at the dinner table and then Brad comforted her and told her not to be sorry – at all, at all.  Don’t be sorry at all.  I am telling you he uses that phrase all the time.  For every one of Jenni’s tears, Brad said “at all.”  I am not even kidding.  Jenni then just decided it was time to say everything she’s ever had in her head about Brad.  At one point she even pulled out her diary and read it to him.  “Dear diary- today I met Brad and he is super-cute.  I love him.  I love everything about him.  I will love you forever, even if you choose the other girl.  If you take a chance on me (Think Andy Bernard!) I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.”  Oh, sweetie…I don’t think there has ever been more snot on a final date.  Brad reassured her that the crying was fine and then excused himself to see if the ABC staff had stocked the model apartment with some Pepto.  Seriously, during both of the last two one-on-one dates, he looked like he was fixing to vomit.

And with only a 58-minute show, they wasted five minutes of it with Brad buying an engagement ring…a ring he is probably auctioning on eBay right now.  Brad then put on his khaki suit and headed on over to the state park in front of the ocean where they set up a pedestal for him to stand on.  Every year, it’s this moment that you wait for.  Who is gonna get out of the first limo, because that is the girl who is gonna get kicked to the curb…Of course this year is different, but the first time through I didn’t know that.  Aaaaaaand Jenni gets out.  Chris Harrison greets her and then escorts her to the steps where he leaves.  I am thinking that Chris Harrison must have a pretty good idea what an executioner feels like.  Jenni is all nerves and smiley-faced.  And I felt so bad for her right then.  Brad tells her how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, and thanks for the free haircut, but he needs more and he can’t get it from Jenni.  Goodbye, Jenni. 

I thought Jenni took it pretty well.  She tells him that she feels embarrassed about telling him how she felt. Brad tells her not to be embarrassed “at all” (AARGH!).  Then they hug and he walks her to the limo.  Jenni wishes him happiness and then gets in the car.  Good for her.  Then she cries in the limo.  I hope they at least give her a xanax.

Next up, DD’s turn.  The first time I watched this, I felt like DD was getting the rose but no ring.  Brad just seemed too confused.  I did NOT expect him to break up with her too.  That means this dude has broken up with 25 people in like four weeks.  That is probably some sort of record, don’t you think?

Anyway, DD absolutely was must-see television during the breakup.  He starts off telling her all the things he loved about her and how perfect she was.  And then he did the cruelest thing he does which is to tell her prior to breaking up with her that he had just said goodbye to Jenni.  As he saw the relieved smile come over her face, he had a mini-anxiety attack where he stepped down off the pedestal and tugged at his tie while she stood up there ALONE and putting on her bitch face (which is a GREAT bitch face, by the way).  I thought she was gonna stab him in the neck with her eyeliner pencil or something.  By the time he got back up on the pedestal to finish his thought, DD had gone from sweet and relieved to dark and bitchy.  Where Jenni was all huggy and crying, DD was not about to hug this guy.  She asked if she was just a friend and Brad says “Not at all.”  Of course he did.  Brad: I hope you know that I care about you. DD: No, I don’t.  I thought I did but I don’t.

Then she told him that it was breakups like this why she didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve.  Really, DD? Breakups like this one?  As in, every time a guy I really love invites me to a State park to stand on a pedestal and then tells me I can’t have that rose that’s sitting right there, it just hurts me so much?  Because that seems odd to me.  I don’t know, it just does.  Maybe that happens in Georgia a lot…I don’t know.

But DD bucks up, tells him he’ll regret his decision and then she and her gold dress that made her butt look huge got back in the car and went back to the Blind Date house.  What a downer.  Usually, no matter how bad you feel for the first girl who leaves, you at least get the happy ending.  The twirling around and the kissing and “I love you too.”  This time the last segment of the show was the second girl crying in the limo, Brad sitting alone staring at an engagement ring while sitting in the State Park.  He looked pathetic, but it was pretty hard to feel sorry for the guy…Nope, I felt sorry for DD who we see carrying her shoes down the hall in silence as she shuts herself back into the model apartment.

Fast Forward to After the Final Rose:

If I had been Brad, I would have sent Chad out there instead.  In an effort to help us feel like this show is not a complete waste of time, Trista and Ryan (along with their baby Max) as well as Byron and Mary (who are still together but have been engaged longer now than Pam and Roy were on The Office).  But it’s like ABC wants us to know “See? It’s not a waste of time, I promise…these things do work out like 8% of the time.”  Mary says that they’re getting married in November.  But this show aired on November 20th so I guess she means November of 2008?  I don’t know, but since Mary was the famous “my eggs are rotting” girl she better get cracking.

I’m not gonna recap the whole show.  It was pretty predictable.  The girls were pissed.  Brad admitted he has some commitment issues, but confirmed that he isn’t gay.  DD (who wore a garbage bag to the show) even told him that since he isn’t with anyone still, she would have taken him back…I didn’t see that coming but Brad stuck to his guns. That boy is not going to be tied down.  Hmmm.

I would love to end this by swearing off the Bachelor forever, but that would just be a lie.  I’ll watch again this spring.  It’s an addiction, I guess.  I could have worse problems.

The Bachelor: Coming I promise…Happy Thanksgiving

What up again kids?  I just wanted to update this blog, though maybe not totally in the full-on way you would like.  I promise that I am going to update with a The Bachelor recap.  I just wanted to wait until I could spice it up with the After the Final Rose details because last night was both a doozy and unexpected.  That being said, I just want to say ROCK F-IN CHALK because holy poop have our guys been amazing!  Here is to hoping that Mizzou (I hate them) doesn’t ruin it this weekend.

Also, Thanksgiving is my favorite day of the year (if you don’t include April Fool’s, of course) and I am thankful for a lot of people and the blessings of my life.  I don’t say that enough because I am constantly complaining (which is funnier for you probably) but it doesn’t mean I don’t recognize the people in my life who are amazing or the fact that I generally have it pretty good.  I will probably do an entire post on this over the weekend but I wanted it out there tonight.

So if you don’t check with me here between now and then: I am thankful for you and eat so much that you can’t even think about food again (then do like me and take home a plate of left-overs, because you’ll hate yourself later if you don’t).  And on Saturday nite? Fix yourself a big fat turkey sandwich (with a moist-maker) and cheer for the Jayhawks against Mizzou like you would cheer for Rocky against Ivan Drago because it really is like cheering for good vs. evil.

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

The Writers’ Strike – Emma Brand’s Take

Welcome back to the blog.  After a long day at work, I look forward to sitting my butt on the couch, and watching some amazing television.  I know that I write a lot about reality shows, hell, I watch a ton of reality shows.  The truth is, though, I watch a lot of television period.  Probably too much, I will grant that premise.

But this week, instead of surfing the internet and downloading shows I love, or getting news about how much more fake the Hills really is.  Seriously, apparently Lauren and Heidi are secret friends? I have also spent a fair amount of time trying to understand why the writers that write my favorite shows have walked out…

Here is how it boils down:  Basically, the production companies and the networks give no residual payments (zero) for any  of the downloads or online streaming of the shows or movies.  What are residuals?  Well, they are payments based on percentage for every time that shows are re-run or bought on DVD.  The percentage given to writers are pretty low.  For instance, apparently every time you buy a DVD for $19.99, the writer gets a whoppin four cents.  You read that correctly.  I will grant you that this adds up, but let’s face it, it ain’t much.  However, the term “residual” and what rates are paid for what happens with the show or the movie script that the writers have penned themselves don’t apply to a lot of how we are all now receiving our television.  Now, the writers are paid for re-runs that show up on late night television and the small percentage of DVD sales.  That hasn’t always been the case.  Writers used to get absolutely nothing for anytime their show was put into syndication.  The best example I have seen was related to I Love Lucy.  That show has been on television for fifty straight years – it has entertained the viewing audience (some more than others) for that long.  The only thing those writers were paid was for their original script – and that’s it.

The change in how television is viewed is clear.  In the last 3-5 years, networks have been streaming full episodes of their shows for free online.  Also, services like Apple’s Itunes and Amazon’s Unbox, and most recently NBC’s Hulu have begun to sell those same episodes for download.  When you watch the episode for free online, there are often several 30 second commercial breaks.  Even though you watch for free, the network gets ad revenue from you watching (most likely based on the number of views).  When you pay $1.99 for an episode of Lost on iTunes, ABC turns a profit.  The writers, as of their current contract, receive NOTHING from any of that.  The networks are calling these electronic views “promotions.”  I think we all know that doesn’t pass “the smell test.”  It smells pretty bad, in fact.  So the writers’ contract is up, and the networks don’t want to give the writers squat.  And so now they strike.

Actors are joining them on the picket line even though they are members of the Screen Actors’ Guild, because their contract is up in June of next year, and they will also want similar residuals.  It will make a difference.  Think about a writer who writes a brilliant movie and sells a script to a studio.  They may write 10 more before a studio buys another one.  They may need those residuals from DVD sales or online downloads to bring in small checks to get them by until their next project is frutiful.  As of now, they would be getting four stinkin’ cents per DVD and not a dime off of the downloads.

It boils down to this: Disney’s doing fine.  Viacom is okay.  It’s the people that actually entertain us each week, with their imagination and humor and creativity that need a few extra dollars to insure they have time to write or act or produce these shows and movies instead of having to pay the bills by digging ditches or waiting tables.  They’re asking for a fair share.  And I think they deserve it.  So in the next month or so, when CBS has to air Ultimate Fighting Specials instead of the new CSI season, or ABC is showing you re-runs of Disney classics instead of the new season of Lost, I will probably cry a little, watch more of my Netflix queue than usual, or even (gasp!) read that growing pile of books on my shelf.  But I will support the writers…They deserve their fair share for their work and their gifts.

Here are some more links for your education…

•  The Los Angeles Times is keeping up with the latest news from the picket lines.

• Anyway, that’s all I got.  Long live these strikes.  This thing is affecting so many of the people like the crews and the production people and the actors too.  In a couple of weeks, more people will be laid off because they are “expendable.”

  In the next few weeks, a lot more shows will be going to re-runs instead of original episodes, and all of the late night talk shows as well as my favorites like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report have already gone dark.  I just hope the networks and production companies will come to the bargaining table and do the right thing…Until then, I am sad, but I get it.

From Magical, to Staged, to Just Downright Sad

I have posted extensively (okay thrice) about how The Hills, your favorite show and mine, is probably somewhat staged, if not all the way fake.  And then this story comes down the pipe that has left me scratching my head.  I may be a little late on this one, but with actual work to do, college football yesterday, etc. I wasn’t surfing the internet aimlessly for something to catch my interest.  But if I had been, I would have seen this little gem on E!  Heidi and Spencer are casting for their wedding?!? Seriously?  They are even casting the part of Heidi’s maid of honor.  In the immortal words of Elodie, “It’s just so sad.”

I think it’s clear that ol’ Heidi and Spencer have had a fall from grace.  Spencer is a douche, Heidi took his side over Lauren’s, and so it is understandable that they have less friends now than they used to.  I get all of that.  But when you don’t even have one, single person to stand up with you?  That is pretty bad.  I have been in more weddings than I would like to remember, which is a thankless job even if it is “an honor” but I have always been under the impression that you just have to say yes when someone asks you to do it.  I mean, for real, does Heidi not even have a sister?

It seems like things are rolling downhill in a bad way for Heidi.  I mean, when you lose your bestfriend, your co-workers’ trust, and then you move in with a guy who decorated your apartment with graffiti and a jellyfish tank, then you know your life is going in the wrong direction- especially when said guy looks like the love child of Beavis and Dracula.

It’s just so sad.  I mean, three years ago, you were in school, starring with your “best friend” on a new reality show about “making it” in LA.  Now you’re a fashion school dropout, you got no friends, and you’re living with that guy above, which has turned you into someone so unpopular that you are having to pay an actress to be your maid of honor.  It’s not too late to turn it around Heidi.  Call me and ask me.  I ain’t rude enough to say no to you…

 

 

The Office Quoteability: Branch Wars

 Aaaaaannnnddd, we’re back.  Sorry for the brief lay-off.  I am hoping to go back and pick up the two episodes that I have missed, but it’s been crazy on the weekends here. 

I thought this episode was a pretty solid B.  It was a little wacky- even for the Office, but this show can’t hit it out of the park every week.  I also missed Creed, Angela, and Kevin this week.  But you will never hear me complain about seeing Stanley.  And I think we saw him smile for the first time since Pretzel Day, so that was a plus.  Dwight peeing in the can and that whole exchange was pretty great, too.  So without further ado, here are you Ten Quotes, with an Honorable Mention tacked onto the end.

1. The eyes are the groin of the head. – Dwight K. Schrute 

2. Wanted: middle-aged black man with sass.  Big butt, bigger heart…I can’t do this. -Michael Scott

3. Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.  – Oscar

4. I am gonna miss you man.  You’ve been like an uncle to me.  Like a kind, old Uncle Reemus. – Andy Bernard

5. You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office.  Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary: the bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crosswords puzzles, the smile, those big watery, red eyes.  I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left. – Michael Scott

6. Fun? Really?  What was fun about it for you?  Was it the death of the twins? – Toby Flenderson

7. Take her to a motel and make love to her.  Just say you wanna get back together.  It doesn’t have to mean anything.  Just do it for Stanley.  Just climb on top of her and think of Stanley. -Michael Scott

8.  The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office.  Naturally, it’s where I need to be.  The Party Planning Committee is my backup and Kevin’s band is my safety. -Andy Bernard

9. If we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with the jumbo chalk. – Dwight Schrute

10. How on earth did Michael call my bluff?  Is he some sort of genius?  Heh Heh Heh.  Sometimes I say crazy things. – Stanley

 Honorable Mention:

• We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you. – Michael Scott

• So, the deal was, Dwight doesn’t blow anything up, and I wear a costume…and a moustache. – Jim Halpert

• Jim, if this is it for me – host the Dundees. -Michael Scott

• Do you like magic?  Because I am a genie in a bottle and I’m going to grant you three wishes: to move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend. – Michael Scott

The Bachelor Recap: Looking Good On Paper Not As Important as Being Ready to Woo-PAH!

On this episode, the four remaning Bachelorettes take Brad to their hometown for dates.  These episodes are always entertaining because you just never know what crazy lies behind those party dresses and swimming pool tans.  Will there be another ‘Bama room like Brooke from Birmingham, or maybe another girl from Oklahoma whose dad wants to make a point by shooting a gun?  Well, from the previews, we knew that poor Sheena’s mom was weird, and Bettina’s family was judgmental.  But let’s see the full story.  And may I just say thank you to whatever ABC Editor agreed that another shower scene was a good idea.  WHEE!!

First date: Jenni in Wichita, Kansas.

Jenni decided to take Brad to where she grew up dancing.  So with the big hoop earrings and pink backdrop, Jenni confided in Brad that she had won $50 for her first dance competition.  Between nervous giggles, Jenni shows Brad some sweet Phoenix Suns/tap dancing moves, and all of this without any music…Brad wondered whether it’s a good idea to have a long distance relationship for a year, even though he already told her it was okay, and the fact that we all know that whoever (whomever? -Office reference) he chooses will get kicked to the curb in about 6 months.  Not even Us Magazine covers the breakup anymore.

Jenni takes Brad from the cheesy stage to the family beauty parlor for dinner, I wish I was kidding.  Jenni is the home of the inappropriate grandmother.  It seems like there is always one, and this year, it’s Grandma Betty.  Brad impresses by telling them that he isn’t a drinker and reassures Grandma that he isn’t thinking of precious Jenni as a baby factory.  Right as Grandma was passing off quotes about hitting the road, Jack, I was waiting for her medley of breakup songs, and thinking it couldn’t get more uncomfortable for our hero.  I was wrong.  Mama decides to wash Brad’s hair in her salon.  No, really it happened.  I guess we should just be happy that Jenni’s mom isn’t a proctologist.  She waited until Brad was good and lathered up to ask why in the world he was still single…Yeesh.  Meanwhile, Jenni’s sister is curling her hair and asking Jenni if he’s the one.  What is it with this family and needing to be touching the other person’s head to have a serious conversation?  A little odd, but probably not the strangest thing going on in Wichita.  Jenni’s dad didn’t bother to rub Brad’s head, and he comes in with the quote for the family, after asking Brad what his goals were, Brad began to answer him – something about real estate and making money – and Dad says, “you don’t have to tell me what they are, just wanted to know if you had some goals.”  Hmmm.  What if his goal was to impregnate the four remaining women?  Wouldn’t that be a little nugget of information you’d want?  I think the listing of goals was a good idea…just saying.  Cue the drama, because Jenni has made the team.   They’ve been calling her a Phoenix Suns Dancer this whole time, so it wasn’t much of a shock, but it makes me wonder what the job would have said if she hadn’t made it…Bare-footed tapdancer/nervous giggler/headband wearer.  I don’t know, but it’s fun to speculate.  Through it all Jenni tearfully tells Brad how much he means to her, and Brad, of course wipes her tears and then kisses her.

Second Date: Sheena in Walnut Creek, California

Their date started out on the family boat.    Sheena gets kudos from the producers for figuring out how to make a bathing suit play prominently into their date.  So they all pile into the boat and go tubing.  Brad said “It could not have gone better.”  I guess riding on a nylon tube behind a boat at 70 miles an hour beats talking to the parents.  And when the conversation finally started, you could see why.  Mom immediately asked what Brad’s sign was.  That was just a preview, as the rest of Mom’s camera time was spent talking about how the stars had aligned for Brad and Sheena and how she could tell when she looked at him that he and Sheena would be together forever, and her quote,”I know (Sheena) is the one, and whether she’s your one, or somebody else’s one, she is the ONE.”  It actually made less sense when I just typed it.  Brad sat there politely trying to follow the crazy rabbit down the hole, but I could tell that he was a little worried that this woman’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the pent house.  I hadn’t seen that look on his face since the first night when the girl showed him her webbed feet…Hee!

Thank goodness Sheena came in right there to save the conversation, but then the mom only encouraged them both to go pick out the rings because “we are ready to commit” and because she already knew who the flower girl and the bridesmaids were gonna be.  Say it with me now: AWK-WARD!

Sheena pulls Brad out to the hot tub – you know – so they can look at the stars that are now lining up.  Sheena takes that opportunity to tell Brad how important her family is to her and how close she is to them.  Normally, I would think this would be a good thing, but I would bet you dollars to donuts that Sheena would have made Brad feel better in this case if she would have thanked him for being so kind to her slightly autistic mother who recently hit her head.  Weird hug in the hot tub, and as Sheena talks about how Brad is her soulmate, Brad does not go in for the kiss.

Third Date: DeAnna in Georgia

In case you didn’t know, DeAnna is Greek.  The date started with serious talk with the father.  That’s when we find out that DeAnna is not only Greek but that she lost her mother.  DeAnna brought out the photo album to introduce Brad to her mother.  I know that I make fun of all of the crap on this show, and for the most part, the dates are over-the-top, play to much to emotion serious.  But I thought DeAnna did a really cool thing there, and for once on this show it was an understated way of letting Brad get to know her.  Kudos DeAnna!  Now stop being so mean to all the other girls.  And I take the Kudos back because DeAnna and her sister retire for the sister chat where DeAnna tells her that if Brad doesn’t pick her, she’ll be crushed.  Blech.

And then Yaya and PouPou showed up (apparently those are Greek grandparents) and it was time to PARTY!!  Maybe Yaya and PouPou means hammered.  Shots of Uzzo for everyone, and it brings us to the quote of the nite from DeAnna’s family – Yaya: To your health and may you love your mother in law!  Hee Hee. Next thing you know, they’re all in a circle, yelling Woo-PAH!  I hope ABC called them all a cab.  Brad got a good nite kiss, and off he went.

Last Date: Bettina in our Nation’s Capitol

This date was marked all along with Red Flags.  From the moment we see the family, it was just uncomfortable to the nth degree.  It didn’t get better.  Start out with Brad not graduating from college, and Dad telling him that he’s a professor with a shit-eating grin.  Dad then says that he Brad is “a great disappointment.”  Then they ask Brad what he does for a living (WAA-WOH) which is followed by a joke by Brad to ease the tension that went over as well as a Michael Vick sighting at a PETA convention.  That would have been bad enough but enter the judgy step-mom who says she isn’t happy that Bettina is hooked up with some bar-owning cowboy who probably worships the devil and gives out apples with razor blades at Halloween.  I am not even exaggerating that much.  After the fifth consecutive question about his business, Brad says that he feels judged.  Really?  It was even uncomfortable down to the little things like Brad offering to help and the stepmom sending him back out with “Yeah, clear the table!  Everything, just clear it!”

Then Dad tells us all what we have thought might be the case all along.  He liked the first husband.  Bettina’s not going to find anyone better and he doesn’t agree with her going on this show.  Hmmm…But Mr. Perfect isn’t here anymore.  He probably found religion and is off in the Sahara Desert coming up with a way to grow food without water and reading to the blind in his spare time, but the fact is, he ain’t here now.  Dad needs to settle down.  And while he’s out there berating his daughter, Brad is left to face the two moms who are accusing him of stringing people along.  Even the dog was barking at Brad.  Geez.  I am starting to get antsy and I’m sitting here on my couch.  I need a drink…

And I am glad I got one after having to watch the conversation between Brad and Bettina that followed the family dinner.  There they were sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Monument and Brad worrying about being judged and Bettina using the excuse that “she doesn’t look that good on paper either.”  And when he was sitting on those steps, I think Brad hatched a plan.

3 Roses, 1 girl out, and Sheena will be leaving us this evening.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, and maybe Brad doesn’t watch the show to know what goes on when the girls get down to 3, but the next round is overnight dates.  I think at this point it’s a two-woman race between Jenni and DeAnna.  I think Sheena and Bettina were dead women walking after these dates.  And so he can only let one go.  Sheena treated him respectfully, she impressed his brother, and she wrote Brad one of the worst poems ever to be written in the English language.  But it isn’t there.  He should cut her loose.

Bettina is crazy, she is divorced, and her family was filled with ass holes.  Why not keep ol’ Bettina around so that her dad can see his little girl “forego” her individual room to “stay as a couple in the fantasy suite?”  How better to stick it to the old man with his diplomas on the walls and all holier than thou?  I am not saying they have to do anything.  I doubt many of the women do (maybe I’m just naive), but 100% of the time the girl goes up there, and the door clicks with the “Do Not Disturb.”  So if that was Brad’s plan, I say more power to him because those people were ASSES!

I would mess with Sheena more about crying if she didn’t just seem so doggone innocent and vulnerable out there crying into Brad’s shoulder.  She really did get blindsided by all of this, and I want to give her credit for keeping it together until she got outside.  And I won’t say anything else about it…

I would rather look forward to next week, and the forego cards, and the Cabo San Lucas and Brad without his shirt on!! Oh yes, Brad without his shirt on.

Confirmed: The Hills, not Magical, just Staged…

After posting about this a few days ago, we got confirmation today that The Hills is not as real as MTV wants us to believe.  No, as much as you love your LC, Spencer, Heidi, Brody, Whitney, Audrina, Justin Bobby, and ESPECIALLY Lo, they are a lot of staged situations.  I don’t know what to believe anymore…The best part is that I don’t care.  Still gonna watch, “Feel the Rain on Your Skin..” I am gonna hold out hope that Lo is totally real all the time.  I’ll just keep telling myself this.

Because they Aren’t Just Richer than You, They’re MAGICAL!!

I just finished watching the latest episode of The Hills.  And I am about to make a lot of fun of this show, so before I do, let me just give a couple of quick disclaimers.  First, I absolutely love this show.  It is always a show I watch and continue to watch for the 3700 other re-runs they put on after its original showing on Monday night.  Secondly, this show remains in my favorites because of the absolute comedy that arises from nowhere.  Its beauty is in its details.  For instance, where would we be without Lo dropping little gems like, “I love to judge people” or if Audrina didn’t date a guy whose name was Justin, but who goes by Bobby?  No explanation as to where the Bobby part came from or anything.  He just looked at Lauren and Lo as though it should just be understood and accepted – like gravity.  Amazing.  I love this show because you don’t have to take it too seriously, nor should you.  These are a group of 20 and 21 year-old kids, whose parents are footing the bill while they run around L.A. having barbecues at the beach and drinking at Les Deux.

But it is supposed to be a “reality” show no matter how skewed this reality is.  Part of the beauty is the fantasy, the nice cars, and the fact that though these people are in college, at a time in life where most of us ate Ramen Noodles, sought out dollar beer night, and celebrated finding a 20 in our jeans while Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Brody, and Speidi do whatever they want with seemingly no thought about the money.  Fine.

But what is with the shoddy editing?  Seriously, Spencer’s magical beard?  One minute, he’s got the wolfman scruff and he’s arguing with Heidi about dinner plans, the next second, he’s in the car all baby-faced and looking like Beavis, and in the next scene, he’s got scruff again.  Then, what about Brody and his “cast” this year?  In the Las Vegas episode, there was no cast – you know what I’m talking about, that claw thing on his hand from where Lauren broke his finger at one of his many barbecues.  In Vegas, it was gone.  This week the claw was back, then gone completely, then there was some sort of wrist brace, and then back to no aparatus on his hand by the end of the episode…I don’t get it.

So instead of believing the good people of The Hills are messing with me, I am choosing to believe that they are magical.  It’s really the only way I can see continuing to live my life.  Feel free to make your own choices.

On a related note, how much fun is it to see Heidi and Spencer fight?  Heidi’s “I’ll be at work, why don’t you try it?” was just an amazing moment for me.  I didn’t know she had it in her.  Seriously, Spencer, get a job.  Getting denied over and over because your girl has a “job” which involves long hours at clubs and holding a clipboard could free you up to do other things.  Not like hang out with your friends because you screwed all of them over.  But you could get a pet, or start collecting stamps, or something.  Just stop showing up – all creepy and unshaven at odd times during the day.  It doesn’t make you look cool.

And if I may make a plea for more Lo please.  She cracks me up.  That is all for now.  I love this show – magical or not, real or fake.  I heart The Hills.