Update on Byron and Mary

So apparently, the fearless fisherman was the one who called the cops on Mary.  I don’t mean to downplay the situation, because clearly any time an enraged 45 year-old woman with a cranky uterus is swinging at you, it’s pretty bad.  But Byron is a pretty stout (albeit close to elderly) guy.  He could have just gone into the house to clean up and let her cool off.  What was the wisdom in calling the cops?  She was still sitting in the stinkin’ car, he didn’t want to press charges, and the only thing that could possibly happen would be that I, and many other (much more popular) bloggers like me, would sit here and report it, laugh about it, etc.

 Rookie mistake, there Byron.  You thought you were too old and out of date that we would not care anymore.  The truth is, WE DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.  Well, we do, I mean, we have jobs.  We just don’t have much we would rather do than to do a “Did you hear about this…” post and laugh at a guy who retires to his condo to call the cops on his fiancee of 17 years.  Seriously, even Roy and Pam weren’t engaged this long.  You should have just cleaned yourself up, let Mary sober up, and then guilt trip her into cleaning all of the fish you catch for years to come.  No two ways about it, you blew this one, buddy.

Trouble in Paradise?!?

I guess after the final rose had some sort of open bar we didn’t hear about.  Either way, one of the two “happy couples” don’t seem so happy anymore, do they?  I guess this solves the mystery we have been wondering about.  Byron has been held hostage all these years by Mary…Every time you think it couldn’t get crazier, you end up hearing something you couldn’t possibly even make up.  Just wow!

The Bachelor Recap: He did WHAT?!?

Okay, so here is your somewhat belated Bachelor post.  As an added bonus and an apology for being so late, I am going to include commentary about the After the Final Rose show.  So here we go.

First, a list of Ways that Watching the Bachelor Finale Can Be Ruined:

1. Include your brother, who has not watched the show much, thinks Brad is a tool, and sits on the couch flipping through an Us magazine the whole time whilst making snide remarks about the way Brad talks.

2. Feel as though your getting gypped because the episode is only 58 minutes long and does not include a shower scene with Brad.

3. Brad proves your brother right at the end of the show giving him five minutes’ worth of “told you so” commentary, which is followed by you wishing Brad hadn’t wasted everyone’s time.

 Chris Harrison quickly recaps this season.  Basically, Brad met 25 women and now there are two left.  I really think Chris Harrison has the easiest job in the world sometimes…but I’ve given Chris a pretty hard time.   So as we tune into see who is going home crying, I will try to keep the Chris jokes to a minimum if possible. Plus, I would hate to take out my bitterness toward Brad on Chris.  That’s like having a bad game of Guitar Hero and taking it out on your secretary at work.  It’s just uncool (the taking it out on your secretary, not Guitar Hero because it’s completely cool).

No shower scene this episode, but we do get a scene of Brad looking out over his deck pondering his future.  That’s when his two brothers and mom show up.  I think we should pause for a moment of silence in honor of the Brother who isn’t Chad.  He’s got two siblings who are chiseled, well-built, well-dressed millionaires, and he looks like the lead singer from Smashmouth.  That is him in the front of that picture.

Brad describes DeAnna as an independent woman.  Do you think that Brad takes all of his descriptions of these women from Destiny’s Child songs?  I, for one think Beyonce is a genius, but I would hope the guy in my life would come up with something on his own…Anyway, Chad makes lame joke that he is Brad, Mom tells DeAnna that she is just gonna call her DD because she can’t remember her name, or some such.  From what I could tell, the family time consisted of a champagne lunch, a stroll with Mama, and ended with Brad and his brothers jumping fully clothed into the pool.  During the Mama chat, DD tells Mama that she is falling in love with her son.  While DD is telling Mama that she is so in love, Brad is back at the pool with his brothers telling them how confused he is.  Hindsight is 20/20 and all but this should have raised the red flag.  All in all, it looked like the whole thing took about 20 minutes.  In fact, it probably took me longer to type this than their date did.  Brad tells DD that his family loved her “of course.” 

“Of course” and “at all” are Brad’s fall back phrases.  Throughout the seasons of the Bachelor, there have always been words and phrases  that are overused.  “Amazing,” ”connection,” “most dramatic rose ceremony ever” to name a few, but Brad’s “of course” and “at all” usage is off the charts.  I don’t know why it bugs me, but I suspect it has something to do with Brad wasting my time for months now.  Blech.

Date #2 is Jenni.  Jenni is all happy and cheerleader-y.  And the producer gives Smashmouth the sign so he can ask, “When do we get to meet this Jenni?” and the knock on the door would happen at that exact moment.  All of the Womacks have a nice, hearty laugh and it looked like the final scene on an episode of the Brady Bunch or something (nope, not bitter “at all”).  Brad hugs her and then proceeds to his constant fixing of hair before introducing her to his family.  Mama asks the awkward question of whether Jenni has told her son she loves him yet, to which Jenni says no and then starts into her machine gun laugh that she does when she’s nervous, or happy, or really just breathing.  It was then that Mama takes Jenni on the walk and gets down to business.  Mama says if Jenni marries Brad she will be marrying his family and that she’d tell Brad yes if he proposed.  Something like, “Yes, I love you, let’s go now!” Insert machine gun laugh here.  I am pretty sure the vases on the table were rattling.  The whimsical brothers had found a football by the time they got back out there, and Jenni shows off her catching ability.  I guess they were out of dry clothes for them to repeat the pool scene they had with DD.

Brad and Mama then go on a walk in which Brad tells Mama how confused he is, and how when he is with DD he thinks of Jenni and vice versa.  Red Flag #2.  Brad is worried that he is gonna break two hearts (of course, we know now that he will, but it isn’t his and the woman he doesn’t choose, it’s both of the girls).  Boooooo, Brad.

Onto the last one-on-one dates, where the women get to cook for their man.  Usually, this is done at the Bachelor pad, but this year ABC decided to use some sort of Model Apartments type setting.  Seriously, the outside of the building looked like the one they use on “Blind Date” when they get all sauced and end up at some random hot tub.  That’s what the building reminded me of, and if it’s too obscure a reference, just move on…

DD has made lasagna and is lighting candles and says that she wants to end up with a guy who she can eat dinner with.  Umm, okay.  Dinner was spent with DD smiling sweetly and telling Brad she loves him.  Brad complimented her cooking and telling her that she’s everything he’s ever looked for in a wife and mother.  DD says that where the dishes go is very important to her…I know, it seemed pretty random to me too.  On the couch in the model apartment, DD continued to pour out her heart and blink a lot.  The whole time Brad looked kinda nauseous.  Red Flag #3.

Back to the Blind Date house for his one-on-one with Jenni.  Jenni has made some sort dish that requires chop sticks.  I think she must have poked herself in the eye with one of them too, because she cried – A LOT!  Jenni broke down at the dinner table and then Brad comforted her and told her not to be sorry – at all, at all.  Don’t be sorry at all.  I am telling you he uses that phrase all the time.  For every one of Jenni’s tears, Brad said “at all.”  I am not even kidding.  Jenni then just decided it was time to say everything she’s ever had in her head about Brad.  At one point she even pulled out her diary and read it to him.  “Dear diary- today I met Brad and he is super-cute.  I love him.  I love everything about him.  I will love you forever, even if you choose the other girl.  If you take a chance on me (Think Andy Bernard!) I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.”  Oh, sweetie…I don’t think there has ever been more snot on a final date.  Brad reassured her that the crying was fine and then excused himself to see if the ABC staff had stocked the model apartment with some Pepto.  Seriously, during both of the last two one-on-one dates, he looked like he was fixing to vomit.

And with only a 58-minute show, they wasted five minutes of it with Brad buying an engagement ring…a ring he is probably auctioning on eBay right now.  Brad then put on his khaki suit and headed on over to the state park in front of the ocean where they set up a pedestal for him to stand on.  Every year, it’s this moment that you wait for.  Who is gonna get out of the first limo, because that is the girl who is gonna get kicked to the curb…Of course this year is different, but the first time through I didn’t know that.  Aaaaaaand Jenni gets out.  Chris Harrison greets her and then escorts her to the steps where he leaves.  I am thinking that Chris Harrison must have a pretty good idea what an executioner feels like.  Jenni is all nerves and smiley-faced.  And I felt so bad for her right then.  Brad tells her how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, and thanks for the free haircut, but he needs more and he can’t get it from Jenni.  Goodbye, Jenni. 

I thought Jenni took it pretty well.  She tells him that she feels embarrassed about telling him how she felt. Brad tells her not to be embarrassed “at all” (AARGH!).  Then they hug and he walks her to the limo.  Jenni wishes him happiness and then gets in the car.  Good for her.  Then she cries in the limo.  I hope they at least give her a xanax.

Next up, DD’s turn.  The first time I watched this, I felt like DD was getting the rose but no ring.  Brad just seemed too confused.  I did NOT expect him to break up with her too.  That means this dude has broken up with 25 people in like four weeks.  That is probably some sort of record, don’t you think?

Anyway, DD absolutely was must-see television during the breakup.  He starts off telling her all the things he loved about her and how perfect she was.  And then he did the cruelest thing he does which is to tell her prior to breaking up with her that he had just said goodbye to Jenni.  As he saw the relieved smile come over her face, he had a mini-anxiety attack where he stepped down off the pedestal and tugged at his tie while she stood up there ALONE and putting on her bitch face (which is a GREAT bitch face, by the way).  I thought she was gonna stab him in the neck with her eyeliner pencil or something.  By the time he got back up on the pedestal to finish his thought, DD had gone from sweet and relieved to dark and bitchy.  Where Jenni was all huggy and crying, DD was not about to hug this guy.  She asked if she was just a friend and Brad says “Not at all.”  Of course he did.  Brad: I hope you know that I care about you. DD: No, I don’t.  I thought I did but I don’t.

Then she told him that it was breakups like this why she didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve.  Really, DD? Breakups like this one?  As in, every time a guy I really love invites me to a State park to stand on a pedestal and then tells me I can’t have that rose that’s sitting right there, it just hurts me so much?  Because that seems odd to me.  I don’t know, it just does.  Maybe that happens in Georgia a lot…I don’t know.

But DD bucks up, tells him he’ll regret his decision and then she and her gold dress that made her butt look huge got back in the car and went back to the Blind Date house.  What a downer.  Usually, no matter how bad you feel for the first girl who leaves, you at least get the happy ending.  The twirling around and the kissing and “I love you too.”  This time the last segment of the show was the second girl crying in the limo, Brad sitting alone staring at an engagement ring while sitting in the State Park.  He looked pathetic, but it was pretty hard to feel sorry for the guy…Nope, I felt sorry for DD who we see carrying her shoes down the hall in silence as she shuts herself back into the model apartment.

Fast Forward to After the Final Rose:

If I had been Brad, I would have sent Chad out there instead.  In an effort to help us feel like this show is not a complete waste of time, Trista and Ryan (along with their baby Max) as well as Byron and Mary (who are still together but have been engaged longer now than Pam and Roy were on The Office).  But it’s like ABC wants us to know “See? It’s not a waste of time, I promise…these things do work out like 8% of the time.”  Mary says that they’re getting married in November.  But this show aired on November 20th so I guess she means November of 2008?  I don’t know, but since Mary was the famous “my eggs are rotting” girl she better get cracking.

I’m not gonna recap the whole show.  It was pretty predictable.  The girls were pissed.  Brad admitted he has some commitment issues, but confirmed that he isn’t gay.  DD (who wore a garbage bag to the show) even told him that since he isn’t with anyone still, she would have taken him back…I didn’t see that coming but Brad stuck to his guns. That boy is not going to be tied down.  Hmmm.

I would love to end this by swearing off the Bachelor forever, but that would just be a lie.  I’ll watch again this spring.  It’s an addiction, I guess.  I could have worse problems.

The Bachelor: Coming I promise…Happy Thanksgiving

What up again kids?  I just wanted to update this blog, though maybe not totally in the full-on way you would like.  I promise that I am going to update with a The Bachelor recap.  I just wanted to wait until I could spice it up with the After the Final Rose details because last night was both a doozy and unexpected.  That being said, I just want to say ROCK F-IN CHALK because holy poop have our guys been amazing!  Here is to hoping that Mizzou (I hate them) doesn’t ruin it this weekend.

Also, Thanksgiving is my favorite day of the year (if you don’t include April Fool’s, of course) and I am thankful for a lot of people and the blessings of my life.  I don’t say that enough because I am constantly complaining (which is funnier for you probably) but it doesn’t mean I don’t recognize the people in my life who are amazing or the fact that I generally have it pretty good.  I will probably do an entire post on this over the weekend but I wanted it out there tonight.

So if you don’t check with me here between now and then: I am thankful for you and eat so much that you can’t even think about food again (then do like me and take home a plate of left-overs, because you’ll hate yourself later if you don’t).  And on Saturday nite? Fix yourself a big fat turkey sandwich (with a moist-maker) and cheer for the Jayhawks against Mizzou like you would cheer for Rocky against Ivan Drago because it really is like cheering for good vs. evil.

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

The Bachelor Recap: The Forego Card

Nothing can make this blogger’s heart sing like these three words: Exotic Overnight Dates.  If you missed last week, “the sexiest bachelor ever” sent Sheena home and kept Bettina, Jenni, and DeAnna in the running for whose breakup gets to be covered by OK! Magazine.  Again, as I said last week, I think that this is a two woman race between DeAnna and Jenni, and Brad wanted the satisfaction of knowing that Bettina’s overly judgmental father was choking on his sauvignon blanc when that bar-owner shut the door to the fantasy suite with nothing but his daughter and a 6-pack of Trojans behind it.

Of course, as soon as I got excited about it, I noticed that we were given only 45 minutes to enjoy the episode because of that new Samantha Who? show that ABC has decided we should all like.  Not biting, ABC!  Give me my full hour at least.  I am pretty sure that this lack of time is why we didn’t get a shower scene this week. We also got no Chris Harrison (WHAT??!) I know, he just did the voice over.  Anyway, to Cabo San Lucas we go…

 First Date: Jenni to Swim with the Dolphins

Brad starts out by saying he was excited to spend the entire day and ENTIRE NIGHT with Jenni.  And thus begins both Jenni and Brad each saying that the whole day was foreplay before they “do it” that night without actually saying it.  Of the three, Jenni definitely got the coolest date.  You should also remember that the only successful couple in this show’s history, Trista and Ryan, got to go swimming with the dolphins…and they just became parents.  I am just saying.  Favorite quote of this date has to be from Jenni, who explained that what she loved was that “It was just so personal, I mean, it was just me and Brad.”  Now, I am gonna give Jenni the benefit of the doubt and say that her quote was shortened up and it used to say, “It was just me and Brad.  And the dolphins.  And the dolphin trainers.  And the camera crew.”  But somehow I doubt that’s the case.  I think it says something when you think your date is private and there are actually 600 other people present.  Could it be love?  Let’s see.

Post – dolphin glass of wine included the conversation about what Jenni really wanted to happen between the two of them, and she said that she was hard-put to really say how she was feeling.  It gave Brad doubt. (Okay, sure.)  Retire to the romantical dinner for two.

Quick aside: This is always the dinner where the Bachelor(ette) always has to pull what I call the “forego” card, which is where the two of them are given the option of staying at the same room by the airport motel they’ve been staying in by themselves, or they can hit up the penthouse suite.  Every time the card is worded the same – Dear (insert couple’s name):  I hope that you are enjoying your stay at (insert descriptive adjective and place where they are).  Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in our exotic fantasy suite.  Love, Chris – and every time except for the rarest of circumstances does the couple choose the Radisson by the Southwest Ticket Counter.  The true humor lies in the fact that every single person who has ever been on this show after the first season knows that card is coming, but for some unfathomable reason always tries to act surprised when the card makes its appearance.  Please.  You know it’s coming, you know you’re gonna hit up the suite, so please don’t treat the viewing public as mouth-breathing idiots who don’t know what’s fixing to happen…

Okay.  Sorry.  Cue romantical date for two for Jenni and Brad.  Brad continues the wink-wink interviewing by saying there’s nothing he would like more than to continue his date with Jenni to the room to “get to know her in that way.”    Jenni tells Brad that it’s hard for her to tell him how she feels, but “it’s much easier for me to show it.”  Hee.  And then Jenni made Bachelor History.  No, really.  She didn’t play the game where she acts like she doesn’t know what’s coming.  And after promising the Bachelor she’ll show him how she feels, Jenni straight up asks for the Forego card.  Didn’t wait for him to present it over dinner or folded into a dinner roll, or through some sort of magic trick.  She simply said that she knew he had it on him and to give it.  Thank you, Jenni.  In the words of the immortal Bette Middler, “Did you ever know that you’re my hero?”  Amazing.  And they cut to Jenni explaining the birds and the bees of hooking up.  I won’t bore you with the details but the speech starts with, “When a man and a woman are very attracted to one another…”  Yeah.  So they make out and then Brad shuts the door.  What?  This isn’t Skinemax, people. 

Date Two: Bettina for a Day on the High Seas

Brad tells Bettina that this is no ordinary boat, it was used in the America’s Cup Race.  That’s when Bettina’s hamster wheel in her head started turning and she was trying to figure out what exactly the America’s Cup Race is.  They even got to open up the main sail.  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of champagne.  Bettina talks about how attracted she is to Brad, and you can almost see her dad taking his heart pill and calling the ex-husband to offer him money to come back.  Meanwhile, Bettina and Brad are walking hand in hand on Lover’s Beach while Bettina continues to profess her attraction.  Still no on-camera kissing…which should be a red flag.

Romantic dinner for two: Bettina says that her family only judged Brad because they thought he didn’t like her as much as Bettina liked him…Well, they should have just sent Brad a note after appetizers asking him to check “Yes” or “No.”  It’s simple, really.  Brad tries to make Bettina say that she wouldn’t leave her hometown to move to Austin and hang out at his bars for a living.  She doesn’t give him the easy way out and says she absolutely would. 

Not following the example set by Jenni, Bettina acted surprised at the Forego card.  She says yes and they go get in the hot tub…Brad exacts the revenge he wants as there is a make-out scene in the hot tub complete with several cut-away shots and the Do Not Disturb sign on the door.  Lesson for future fathers on this show: If your daughter reaches the final four, don’t piss him off, or you will be facing the business end of a revenge hook-up.

Date Three: DeAnna for some dunebuggy racing.

Here would be my thoughts if I was DeAnna – So Jenni swims with the dolphins, and Bettina takes a boat trip that ends on Lover’s Beach.  They both get to spend the majority of their dates with you having your shirt off and lookin’ all sexy.  Then my date is going to be us taking separate cars around a sand track where you not only wear your shirt, but you also sport some goggles?  No thank you.  But give that Southern girl some credit.  She took it like a champ and even kicked Brad’s ass on the dune buggy.  Good for her.

And they did get 10 seconds of beach time that was filmed…DeAnna tries to explain how normal couples do spend the nite together, wake up together, etc. and she was looking forward to that with Brad.  Southern Baptists everywhere just put DeAnna on their prayer lists.  At dinner, DeAnna drops the “I’m falling in love with you” card.  Wow.  Brad made out with her and then told her she was perfect.  Cue the forego card.  DeAnna didn’t act surprised like Bettina but still read the note aloud before accepting.

This fantasy suite included a swimming pool.  Brad interviewed about DeAnna using the words like touching, and soulmate, and love…Red flag.  They would edit that out if it was really DeAnna who won.  However, they’ve also showed Jenni as the front runner from day one, which has never won.  I just am stumped.  Dammit, ABC Editors!

Anyway, you know what happens next.  Bettina hits the road, in a blue ’80s prom dress, and the showdown is set between Jenni, the Phoenix Suns Dancer, and DeAnna the Southern Belle who tells it like it is.  The only thing worthy of more commentary is that I hope that whichever of the two of them he picks tells him that the Don Johnson on Miami Vice suit has GOT TO GO!! Seriously, Brad, you are better than that.

Next week- Women Tell All…How will Hillary explain her meltdown?  Will Sheena cry some more?  Whee!

The Bachelor Recap: Looking Good On Paper Not As Important as Being Ready to Woo-PAH!

On this episode, the four remaning Bachelorettes take Brad to their hometown for dates.  These episodes are always entertaining because you just never know what crazy lies behind those party dresses and swimming pool tans.  Will there be another ‘Bama room like Brooke from Birmingham, or maybe another girl from Oklahoma whose dad wants to make a point by shooting a gun?  Well, from the previews, we knew that poor Sheena’s mom was weird, and Bettina’s family was judgmental.  But let’s see the full story.  And may I just say thank you to whatever ABC Editor agreed that another shower scene was a good idea.  WHEE!!

First date: Jenni in Wichita, Kansas.

Jenni decided to take Brad to where she grew up dancing.  So with the big hoop earrings and pink backdrop, Jenni confided in Brad that she had won $50 for her first dance competition.  Between nervous giggles, Jenni shows Brad some sweet Phoenix Suns/tap dancing moves, and all of this without any music…Brad wondered whether it’s a good idea to have a long distance relationship for a year, even though he already told her it was okay, and the fact that we all know that whoever (whomever? -Office reference) he chooses will get kicked to the curb in about 6 months.  Not even Us Magazine covers the breakup anymore.

Jenni takes Brad from the cheesy stage to the family beauty parlor for dinner, I wish I was kidding.  Jenni is the home of the inappropriate grandmother.  It seems like there is always one, and this year, it’s Grandma Betty.  Brad impresses by telling them that he isn’t a drinker and reassures Grandma that he isn’t thinking of precious Jenni as a baby factory.  Right as Grandma was passing off quotes about hitting the road, Jack, I was waiting for her medley of breakup songs, and thinking it couldn’t get more uncomfortable for our hero.  I was wrong.  Mama decides to wash Brad’s hair in her salon.  No, really it happened.  I guess we should just be happy that Jenni’s mom isn’t a proctologist.  She waited until Brad was good and lathered up to ask why in the world he was still single…Yeesh.  Meanwhile, Jenni’s sister is curling her hair and asking Jenni if he’s the one.  What is it with this family and needing to be touching the other person’s head to have a serious conversation?  A little odd, but probably not the strangest thing going on in Wichita.  Jenni’s dad didn’t bother to rub Brad’s head, and he comes in with the quote for the family, after asking Brad what his goals were, Brad began to answer him – something about real estate and making money – and Dad says, “you don’t have to tell me what they are, just wanted to know if you had some goals.”  Hmmm.  What if his goal was to impregnate the four remaining women?  Wouldn’t that be a little nugget of information you’d want?  I think the listing of goals was a good idea…just saying.  Cue the drama, because Jenni has made the team.   They’ve been calling her a Phoenix Suns Dancer this whole time, so it wasn’t much of a shock, but it makes me wonder what the job would have said if she hadn’t made it…Bare-footed tapdancer/nervous giggler/headband wearer.  I don’t know, but it’s fun to speculate.  Through it all Jenni tearfully tells Brad how much he means to her, and Brad, of course wipes her tears and then kisses her.

Second Date: Sheena in Walnut Creek, California

Their date started out on the family boat.    Sheena gets kudos from the producers for figuring out how to make a bathing suit play prominently into their date.  So they all pile into the boat and go tubing.  Brad said “It could not have gone better.”  I guess riding on a nylon tube behind a boat at 70 miles an hour beats talking to the parents.  And when the conversation finally started, you could see why.  Mom immediately asked what Brad’s sign was.  That was just a preview, as the rest of Mom’s camera time was spent talking about how the stars had aligned for Brad and Sheena and how she could tell when she looked at him that he and Sheena would be together forever, and her quote,”I know (Sheena) is the one, and whether she’s your one, or somebody else’s one, she is the ONE.”  It actually made less sense when I just typed it.  Brad sat there politely trying to follow the crazy rabbit down the hole, but I could tell that he was a little worried that this woman’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the pent house.  I hadn’t seen that look on his face since the first night when the girl showed him her webbed feet…Hee!

Thank goodness Sheena came in right there to save the conversation, but then the mom only encouraged them both to go pick out the rings because “we are ready to commit” and because she already knew who the flower girl and the bridesmaids were gonna be.  Say it with me now: AWK-WARD!

Sheena pulls Brad out to the hot tub – you know – so they can look at the stars that are now lining up.  Sheena takes that opportunity to tell Brad how important her family is to her and how close she is to them.  Normally, I would think this would be a good thing, but I would bet you dollars to donuts that Sheena would have made Brad feel better in this case if she would have thanked him for being so kind to her slightly autistic mother who recently hit her head.  Weird hug in the hot tub, and as Sheena talks about how Brad is her soulmate, Brad does not go in for the kiss.

Third Date: DeAnna in Georgia

In case you didn’t know, DeAnna is Greek.  The date started with serious talk with the father.  That’s when we find out that DeAnna is not only Greek but that she lost her mother.  DeAnna brought out the photo album to introduce Brad to her mother.  I know that I make fun of all of the crap on this show, and for the most part, the dates are over-the-top, play to much to emotion serious.  But I thought DeAnna did a really cool thing there, and for once on this show it was an understated way of letting Brad get to know her.  Kudos DeAnna!  Now stop being so mean to all the other girls.  And I take the Kudos back because DeAnna and her sister retire for the sister chat where DeAnna tells her that if Brad doesn’t pick her, she’ll be crushed.  Blech.

And then Yaya and PouPou showed up (apparently those are Greek grandparents) and it was time to PARTY!!  Maybe Yaya and PouPou means hammered.  Shots of Uzzo for everyone, and it brings us to the quote of the nite from DeAnna’s family – Yaya: To your health and may you love your mother in law!  Hee Hee. Next thing you know, they’re all in a circle, yelling Woo-PAH!  I hope ABC called them all a cab.  Brad got a good nite kiss, and off he went.

Last Date: Bettina in our Nation’s Capitol

This date was marked all along with Red Flags.  From the moment we see the family, it was just uncomfortable to the nth degree.  It didn’t get better.  Start out with Brad not graduating from college, and Dad telling him that he’s a professor with a shit-eating grin.  Dad then says that he Brad is “a great disappointment.”  Then they ask Brad what he does for a living (WAA-WOH) which is followed by a joke by Brad to ease the tension that went over as well as a Michael Vick sighting at a PETA convention.  That would have been bad enough but enter the judgy step-mom who says she isn’t happy that Bettina is hooked up with some bar-owning cowboy who probably worships the devil and gives out apples with razor blades at Halloween.  I am not even exaggerating that much.  After the fifth consecutive question about his business, Brad says that he feels judged.  Really?  It was even uncomfortable down to the little things like Brad offering to help and the stepmom sending him back out with “Yeah, clear the table!  Everything, just clear it!”

Then Dad tells us all what we have thought might be the case all along.  He liked the first husband.  Bettina’s not going to find anyone better and he doesn’t agree with her going on this show.  Hmmm…But Mr. Perfect isn’t here anymore.  He probably found religion and is off in the Sahara Desert coming up with a way to grow food without water and reading to the blind in his spare time, but the fact is, he ain’t here now.  Dad needs to settle down.  And while he’s out there berating his daughter, Brad is left to face the two moms who are accusing him of stringing people along.  Even the dog was barking at Brad.  Geez.  I am starting to get antsy and I’m sitting here on my couch.  I need a drink…

And I am glad I got one after having to watch the conversation between Brad and Bettina that followed the family dinner.  There they were sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Monument and Brad worrying about being judged and Bettina using the excuse that “she doesn’t look that good on paper either.”  And when he was sitting on those steps, I think Brad hatched a plan.

3 Roses, 1 girl out, and Sheena will be leaving us this evening.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, and maybe Brad doesn’t watch the show to know what goes on when the girls get down to 3, but the next round is overnight dates.  I think at this point it’s a two-woman race between Jenni and DeAnna.  I think Sheena and Bettina were dead women walking after these dates.  And so he can only let one go.  Sheena treated him respectfully, she impressed his brother, and she wrote Brad one of the worst poems ever to be written in the English language.  But it isn’t there.  He should cut her loose.

Bettina is crazy, she is divorced, and her family was filled with ass holes.  Why not keep ol’ Bettina around so that her dad can see his little girl “forego” her individual room to “stay as a couple in the fantasy suite?”  How better to stick it to the old man with his diplomas on the walls and all holier than thou?  I am not saying they have to do anything.  I doubt many of the women do (maybe I’m just naive), but 100% of the time the girl goes up there, and the door clicks with the “Do Not Disturb.”  So if that was Brad’s plan, I say more power to him because those people were ASSES!

I would mess with Sheena more about crying if she didn’t just seem so doggone innocent and vulnerable out there crying into Brad’s shoulder.  She really did get blindsided by all of this, and I want to give her credit for keeping it together until she got outside.  And I won’t say anything else about it…

I would rather look forward to next week, and the forego cards, and the Cabo San Lucas and Brad without his shirt on!! Oh yes, Brad without his shirt on.

The Bachelor Recap: Hillary Breaks Down like a Ford Tempo In Rush Hour

Let’s get to it – Blah Blah Recap of the last episodes…This week, Chris (whilst wearing a really, REALLY ugly shirt) tells the Bachelorettes that there were 2 one on one dates and a group date.  No roses for anyone on these dates, just good times.  Bettina (the divorcee) gets the first one on one.  Whee!

 

Can Bettina relax?  According to Brad, this is the key to whether or not she will be kissed.  Meanwhile, a lot of the girls are gonna go on the group date, and Sheena will get the other solo.  Good for her.  DeAnna tried to be okay with it as she read it off the datebox card.  We all recognize that she had bad thoughts when she read the card…Come on, kids.

 

Meanwhile, in this the Season of the Bachelor, sponsored by Paxil, Bettina is in a boat with Brad and fighting off tears.  What is it with the tears?!?!  Everyone cries this year.  What is it?  Ladies, do you go out on a date with a guy you really like and then just cry?  Does ABC just chop onions?  Why, oh why, do we constantly get crying girls when they get around this guy?  Should he be on Heroes as the crying man?  Is this too many questions in a row?  Note to Bettina: Just have fun and show him that you like him.  Do NOT cry and make it a great big Debbie Downer Date.

 

Brad’s “house” for the pool party.  The quote on house is because Brad clearly does not live here.  Blech.  Brad wanted a pool party because he’s laid back.  And what is more laid back than having 5 scantily clad women over to your house for liquor and good times  a slip and slide headed into the pool?  So there they all are.

 

Meanwhile Kristy won’t swim.  You know, she really was a one-trick pony that Kristy.  She asked to see his tongue on the first night and didn’t pull out any personality after that.  Last week she stayed around because she cried.  Bye, Kristy.  How are you gonna go on the Bachelor and refuse to swim?  Does she not know that this is a show which is based on hot tubs and yachts and beach dates and countless other ways to get the men and women into their bathing suits?  The only person who doesn’t have to bring his swim trunks is our beloved host, Chris Harrison.  And for that, ABC, let me just thank you on behalf of the viewing public.  Can’t you just see ol’ Chris climbing into the hot tub with his champagne flute and trying to sit between two of the girls and while high fiving the Bachelor?  I think that Prince Lorenzo would have liked that…

 

Back at the pool, Hillary who will later have the most dramatic breakdown in Bachelor history according to Chris, Hillary has decided to give the LONGEST bleeped out explanation I’ve seen on television since The Osbourns went off the air.  What was bleeped?  Oh, just 30 seconds of sexual positions she would like to try with Brad.  It made me throw up a little, and I could not even tell what she said.  Hillary has a little bit of the “crazy eyes” and I think Brad saw that while she was floating alongside him on the float, talking about the amazing chemistry she feels and telling him how she knows what they have is different and more special than anything he may have with any of the other girls.  I kept waiting from the theme music from Nightmare on Elm Street, didn’t you?  But Brad tried to handle it nicely- telling her maybe they are too good of friends for that to be “chemistry.”  Hillary apparently had water in her ears, though, because she just kept prattling on about how much they had in common and the attraction and how they could be best friends and lovers and parents of children and … This is when Brad pretended to drown and look jealous of Kristy.

 

After reviving himself, Brad and DeAnna snuck off for some alone time.   DeAnna didn’t get the kiss on her solo time because there were three other girls watching, and she’s just not like that.  Brad said he liked her because she was stronger than most women he was around.  I think that’s code for “bitch” but Brad doesn’t seem to mind and he has liked her since he first saw her.  Since having the other women watch cramps his style, Brad stole Jenni away to a different area, where the prying eyes couldn’t follow and Brad could make out with the girl whose looking like a shoo in to take home the promise ring.  Red flag, people!  Whoever is made out to be the favorite early, goes home in that first limo on the finale, crying and slinging snot and talking about how she thought what they had was real.  How could she have been so blind?  Etc.  Anyway, today Jenni and Brad make out in the hammock.  Upstairs with the other girls, Hillary is crying because she didn’t get to make out with the Bachelor…Please Hillary.  You are a psycho.  Forget it, I don’t speak Crazy and you clearly don’t understand English.

 

Next up was the final date of the evening.  Sheena (Princess of Power!) and her one on one with Brad.  Brad was excited because he  knew that Chad liked Sheena and he wanted to get to know her better.  So for their date Brad planted little “surprises” along the way.  However, the biggest surprise was ol’ Sheena heading down the stairs on her behind after tripping.  Both she and Brad handled it perfectly, though.  She laughed at herself and he didn’t laugh as much as he wanted to…The date, which was dinner amongst a lot of balloons went well, and Sheena got the kiss that she was wanting.  But only after Brad gave her a pair of diamond earrings that she got to keep.  How cool is that?  And raise your hand if those puppies end up on eBay in the near future.  Me too.

 

Back at the House, Sheena tells the otherladies about her amazing date.  I don’t know why she would do that but it did end up working out because Bettina complained that her date didn’t sound as cool as Sheena’s.  Wow.  Of course at the rose ceremony Bettina said that she was only joking.  Uuuhhh okay.

 

To the Rose ceremony.  Brad, sweetie, you may be the “Sexiest Bachelor Ever”, but you wear some really bad ties.  At the rose ceremony, was it a test to see who really cared about you to wear the skinny-striped number.  Because that was a bad moment for you.  But that wasn’t the biggest mistake that was made in the Rose Ceremony.

 

Sometimes, in reality television, there comes a moment where you just want to throw things at the television and scream for the person to quit.  Last night, we had just such an occasion when Sheena decided to read Brad a Sheena Original Poem.  And it goes a little something like this:

 

            I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm

           The patch of blonde hair on your ears your goals, and most of all your charm.

            It’s weird that I just met you and I don’t know if we’re meant to be. 

           I do know every time you leave, it’s you I want to see.           

          So Cheers to the sweetest guy I know, and the journey yet to come  

          I hope I get to stick around cause I know we’d have lots of fun. 

Being the gallant gentleman that he is, Brad asked to keep the poem and instead of insulting her writing.  I hope it’s to burn and not show his friends later, but there ya go.  I think it says something when your new lady friend “compliments you” on the line of moles on your arm and your ear hair.  I don’t know what it says, but there’s a definite problem there, maybe.  I don’t know.

 

DeAnna takes Brad out by themselves and she rights the wrong of the other day by getting some private makeout time with the Bachelor.  Good for her.  Bettina tells Brad that she thought their date was perfect, which made me wonder what a bad date with Bettina looks like.  Brad must really feel NOTHING for Hillary because he and Bettina looked so stiff together, that it was a little awkward to watch.  And then she tells him that now she knows that she wants to kiss him and she wants his hands on her….Wha?  That sounded odd just coming out of her mouth.  She said that she’s comfortable and she tells him that she feels something deeper than what she’s ever felt.

 

But even with Brad’s fugly tie, and Sheena reading that god-awful poem and Bettina using phrases like “Hands on me” the biggest idiot of the evening award goes to Hillary.  First, she dressed as though she was supposed to be Cinderella at Disney World – way more formal, hair up, looking about 15 years older than she is.  Still not the bad part.  Then Brad tried to prepare her for the fact that she wasn’t going to get a rose, using all of the polite ways to tell a girl (or guy for that matter) that you’re better off as friends.  Those phrases include “good talks, I love those,” “such a good friend,” “something a little different,” and “you holding up okay?”  Then Hillary says she feels the same way that he does, at which point poor Brad thought he was in the clear.  You could tell in that split second he was SOOOO very relieved.   Unfortunately, Hillary followed that with terms like “so much chemistry,” and “lover” and “husband.”  That is when I am pretty sure our old friend Chris Harrison handed Brad a barf bag, because the relief was gone and he was looking pretty pale and nauseous.  Then Hillary went and did an interview where she says she can tell that he feels something for her and that she wore the white Cinderella dress because she wants him to think of how beautiful she would look in her wedding dress.  Yeesh.  Hide your head in a pillow awful.  Leave the room and pour yourself a strong drink awful.  Taking a screwdriver to your eardrums, well you get it.  Sheena’s poem was embarrassing for me to watch but watching Hillary go through all of that was just absolutely painful.

 

It was pretty easy to tell that Kristy and Hillary were getting the boot. I mean Brad knows that when a girl doesn’t like you enough to go down a slip and slide, it’s pretty much over.  As for Hillary, Brad basically did everything short of driving her to the airport before the rose ceremony.   And it ain’t like Hillary was the first girl to get kicked off who was utterly psycho.  But man, the complete breakdown outside to the camera where she couldn’t breathe was awful.  So bad that Brad asked Bettina to hold his champagne while he went outside and hugged Hillary.  Wow.  The whole scene couldn’t have been worse for Hillary.  She should move somewhere with no reality television and no chance of syndication of this hour-long trip into the annals of reality television breakdown history.  She was talking about how she couldn’t breathe, but I think that’s because her dress was 6 sizes too small kinda like the Grinch’s heart at the beginning of the movie.    Then she told Brad how much she was falling for him and that she couldn’t believe she was going home without him in her arms.  Did she forget there were cameras?  I wouldn’t have that scene outside of a local Chili’s much less on ABC.  Wow Hillary.   And as Brad and his chosen four toast, Hillary was still outside bawling about the make-believe family date there would have been had Brad not thought she was such a good friend. 

 

Next week- Brad meets the four families.  It promises to be a rocking good time.

  

The Bachelor Recap: Tear-Wiping, Tire-Kicking, and Slut/Liars

After last week’s switcharoo, I figured there might be a letdown this week.  Sure, they promised us a two girls, one rose showdown between Deanna and Jade, but I mean after you have the heretofore unknown identical twin brother come in and pose as the Bachelor, you only get letdowns after that.  Does that mean I didn’t tune in this week, remote in hand, ready to rewind and catch all the embarrassing moments twice?  Don’t fool yourself.  I was in!

So to recap, there were three girls that hit the road last week.  Solisa the stripper being one.  However, there was the return of the pity rose as a crying Hilary got a rose right before they jumped back on the plane to the OC.  This week there were three dates: a one-on-one with Jenni, the aformentioned two girl date with Deanna and Jade, and then the rest of the girls got to go to an improv class with the Bachelor.  So let’s get to it, shall we?

Jenni got the one-on-one date box first.  After last week’s Hilary debacle, I think Brad probably took one of the producer’s children hostage and demanded some Cheetos, a drink that didn’t have alcohol in it, and some alone time with a girl who wasn’t likely to stab him in the neck while he slept.  As soon as Jade announced that Jenni got the date, the girls immediately retired to their individual interviews to make veiled insults or bitchy remarks about her.  Of course, if I can give Jenni a word of advice here, while in a room with the 8 other girls dating your boyfriend, don’t fall out into the floor with celebration when you get the solo date.  I know this isn’t something they usually go over in finishing school as it’s a strange situation in which to find yourself, but I’ve watched this show long enough to know that celebrating only leads to the other girls doing mean things to you like switching out your fat free Ranch dressing to the Original Ranch and telling Brad that you are only into him for his money.

Jenni and Brad’s date consisted of him picking her up in a helicopter and flying her to dinner on a rooftop.  I loved the helicopter.  All of the girls had to watch Jenni and Brad hanging all over each other while the wind created by the propellors messed their hair up and caused their skirts to fly up.  It made me miss Solisa.  Anyway, Brad and Jenni are whisked off in the helicopter.  Brad came dressed as Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice, or as Chandler on the Thanksgiving flashback episode where he gets his little toe chopped off.  You can decide.  Either way, it was a mistake.  Jenni wore a green dress that my brother’s girlfriend said looked like something that Audrina from the Hills would wear.  So apparently, it was Halloween in a helicopter.  All the girls noticed that the two of them hugged a little too long, and that their attraction for each other was undeniable.  I agree.  That Jenni would be one to watch, if they hadn’t put her out in the front from the very beginning.  Now I think she’ll do something crazy or her dad will physically threaten Brad and he will cut her.  Otherwise, they would make Jenni look like she had no chance.

After they left, Hillary (she of the pity rose) cried on Jade’s shoulder about how she felt like her boyfriend was cheating on her.  Again, Hillary is crying.  She is gonna strain a tear duct or something I swear.  In the course of her crying jag, she worries that Jenni is such a sexual person, or a closet freak…I don’t know.  Cut to Jenni and Brad sitting pretty much on top of each other in the helicopter.  Not much new happened on this date.  The two of them stared at each other adoringly and got along perfectly.  They cuddled on the couch, he gave her the rose, and then they made out.  Jenni’s interview was giggly and could have been annoying if you didn’t come away thinking that she really did like him…it was cute. 

And back at the house, McCarten and Deanna were shown bullying the other ladies in the house.  Deanna, who was one of the girls I thought could win it, really came off like a HUGE BITCH this episode.  She and Jade had an argument and of course the stage was set for the two of them to go on the elimidate later in the show.

The next date was the group date, which looked like adults going through an R-rated preschool class.  They called improv – whatever.  Of course, Hilary wanted to show that her emotional spectrum was more than just crying.  She can also be a crazy, silly girl.  She stole the show.   Bettina also told Brad she loved him for the first time.  It was just like in the movies – you know, in Titanic, when Rose told Jack she loved him for the first time, using a party hat as a megaphone?  You don’t?  You need to check the deleted scenes on your Collector’s Edition DVD.  Kristy made a really lame joke about her name being Sugar and she needed some spice (Crickets!) Which made Kristy cry.  She wants to show him that she can have fun and be crazy.  So since she couldn’t make anyone laugh, she cried, I guess.  Strategy?  Well, it did get her one on one time – it did NOT get her the date rose. Bettina got the rose.  Not because she loved him, but because she fought through her shyness to participate.  Then she cried in her interview.  Gees, people!

Then Jade and Deanna go to Brad’s house for a barbecue date.  Poor Jade still had not gotten the tangles out of her hair since the helicopter ride apparently.  It looked pretty bad.  They hate each other, and rather than Brad getting to know either of them well, Deanna shifted into one upper mode.  Jade:  I started working at 16.  Deanna:  I have been working since 14.  Jade:  I would move to Austin, I would love that.  Deanna:  I would move myself by carrying my dresser on my back.  Jade just got intimidated by DeAnna’s answers and didn’t say much.  After the one on one time, Brad kicks ol’ Jade to the curb. Jade cried as he told her goodbye and Brad wiped her tears.  That brings his tear-wiping count to at least 3 (Kristy, Jade and Hillary) in the season.  If this whole bar thing doesn’t work out, then he can get a job at Kleenex.   So Brad and DeAnna celebrate the breakup by hopping into the hot tub and making out.  See ya!  DeAnna stays in, but she has shown herself to be a mean girl this episode and while she’s still a fave to take home the promise ring, she moved down a couple notches for me. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are all saying that they would say yes to a proposal by Brad today – you know, after knowing him for 5 days – they are ready to spend forever with him.  Of course, Bettina isn’t so sure, having been divorced before.  This upsets Hillary, who compares Bettina and her divorce to being a used car that needs its tires kicked.  I don’t understand the metaphor either.

Back at the rose ceremony, DeAnna is saying catty things to the girls and then smelling her rose deliberately in their faces.  Brad reveals that Jenni was his first kiss on the show and that meant that she must be a slut and a liar, at least according to Bettina, but that could just be because someone has been kicking her tires all day and she has a headache.  Hillary thinks she is still in the running, but she stared at the camera with her crazy eyes and says that as long as she’s the last one he kisses, she is fine.  Sheena cries on the couch and told Brad that she was so moved to meet his brother in the dramatic switch-a-roo.  Sheena could be a dark horse.  She seems genuine, she keeps getting a rose and we don’t see much of her.  Hmmm.  Tracking.  Meanwhile Jenni handles the interrogation about her kiss from the other girls well, and even sneaks away to get some more kisses.  The two of them look like a couple who actually date where the other girls look like the awkward couples at a fraternity-sorority mixer.  More crying from McCarten, who is tired of sharing her man with others. 

Chris comes in with his champagne flute of death, signaling the end of the road for some of the girls.  DeAnna, Bettina and Jenni already had their roses and they were joined by Kristy the Kryer, Sheena the shy, and (Cue Virtual Chris Harrison: “Readers, this is the final rose of the episode ) Tire-Kicking Hillary. 

Stephy blamed the wall around her heart for not getting a rose.  McCarten mourned the loss of hers and Brad’s theoretical children.  DeAnna just twirls her rose and shoots McCarten the middle finger (Okay, I may have made that part up).

The previews promise Bettina being psycho, Sheena falling down, and Hillary having to leave the show in some sort of panic attack.  WHAT!?!? I have to wait a week?  Wow… Until next week.  This is Emma Brand, off to kick tires and belittle others.

The Bachelor: Pity Roses, Tears, and the Switcharoo!!

All right!  The Bachelor is back for ninety minutes, and tonight’s episode is the one where Brad, Chad, and the crafty producers of this show decide to pull the ol’ switcharoo…This is gonna be great!  On a related note, people, please do not name your twins rhyming names.  It’s just not good for anyone.

First, a couple of thoughts:  I was happy that Brad didn’t automatically keep the clumsy girl who fell down the stairs.  I don’t know that any of the other former Bachelors were gutsy enough to do that, and so I applaud you, Brad.  However, I don’t think any of us would have thought Brad less gallant for cutting Solisa who got so-drunk, so-nude, and so-crazy.  Oh well, we can’t all bat 1.000, can we?

First group date is the circus.  The circus date included a lot of participation on the part of the women and Brad, and they even got to play with the clowns and do fun tricks like walk the tight rope (which was about 5 inches off the ground), and watch Brad wear a really fancy coat complete with sequins.  Jenni even did a round off, back handspring, back tuck, just like at a high school pep rally.  During their one on one time, Brad and Jenni relive their kiss, and she tells him how important her dance career is to her.  I can tell that ol’ Brad is really loving him some Jenni. 

Steffy took her one on one time to tell Brad how much she loved her dad and this soliloquy was complete with tears.  Get used to the tears because that will become a theme of this episode.  Scoff if you want but she ended up getting the rose from this date because “she really put herself out there.”

As for the show, the ladies and Brad are introduced to the crowd, where Brad (“the sexiest bachelor yet”) introduces the actual Ring Master.  You could tell he had prepared a speech…Hahaha.  And that is when Brad - who has seemed the most normal guy, a good guy, a guy you would want to date, and even just hang out with – that’s when he made a reference to Titanic, because getting introduced at the Barnum and Bailey Circus made him feel like the King of the World…A couple more tool comments like that and his rankings could plummet.

McCarten is pulled out of the show, and she compares her relationship with Brad to the tight rope walk.  She has learned so much on this date…Wow.

Next Date Box: “Silly Hillary,” the nurse who wants to take Brad’s vitals gets the one on one.  All the other girls at the house immediately begin the eye-rolling and back-stabbing.  Wanna know how mad at least one of them was?  She did Hillary’s hair – poorly.  Hillary looked like a girl who wandered in from a White Snake video.  The dress they provided her was just one big black sequin, and they topped it off with some very expensive, borrowed jewelry that I can honestly say was the biggest waste of diamonds since J.Lo’s engagement rings.  Of course, before the Bachelor got there to present the jewelry, Chris Harrison gathered all the other girls to sit on the couch and watch. 

My theory is that Chris has many un-aired duties when it comes to this show.  We all see some of them:  Recapping what has happened thus far voice over at the beginning of every show.  The tink-tink-tink on his champagne flute to get the Bachelor out of the clutches of the girls at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  Taking us to commercial break by promising us that some women will continue on while others will end up alone, childless, and only have cats for friends.  And would anyone else know when there was only one rose left if Chris didn’t step in and inform them, “Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose this evening.”  But there is more to Chris’ role I think.  For instance, the gathering of the girls on the couch, or getting the borrowed jewelry off the neck of the lucky woman who got to borrow it for the 3 1/2 hour date, and who do you think shops for all the trinkets the girls go crazy over in the “date boxes”?  Oh, I think it’s one Mr. Chris Harrison.  Oh, yes.

Anyway, Hillary’s date.  Or as I like to call it, what would have happened in Pretty Woman if Richard Gere had picked up Kit instead of Vivian.  Of course, the date itself was straight out of the movie, private plane, borrowed jewelry, a night on the town, etc.  Only instead of relaxing and enjoying themselves over dinner, Hillary cried the whole time.  She would give up the jewelry if she could just fall “Crazy in Love.”  I kept waiting on Beyonce to come flying into the room in a gold dress.  After dinner, Brad continued in his role as “Hillary’s Tear-Wiper” as she continued to cry about how much she wanted to fall in love with him.  Of course, the girls at the house are all talking about how they hope Brad kicks Hillary and her jewelry to the curb on their date because more roses for them…Who says that they can’t do math?  As we return to what is quickly turning into a Kleenex commercial, Brad is handing her the rose.  Definitely a pity rose, but it made me wonder whether he would have had to ride back on the same plane with her after he dumped her…Maybe it was just him trying to avoid another uncomfortable situation.

Back at the house, the final date box arrived, and each of the girls going acted surprised when her name was called.  Really?  There are three dates total, 2 of which have already taken place.  So if you haven’t been on one - this date box (which was lovingly put together by Chris Harrison’s own two hands) – is for you.  The note just says “Come sail away with Me – Brad.  It was now that my brother’s girlfriend pointed out that for two weeks in a row, Solisa the stripper has been on a date where bathing suits play an integral part.  I bet Chris Harrison picks who goes on which dates too.  Good television, Chris.  Keep up the good work!

So they hopped aboard a pirate ship for a day of fun, liquor, and the rest of the girls.  Kristy is steering the boat during her alone time and it reminded me of the “Booze Cruise” episode of The Office where Dwight is out on the front of the boat steering with a fake wheel.  But I digress.  Kristy obviously impressed Brad because she eventually gets the rose from the date.

 But not before Solisa gave Brad a lap dance.  That girl just puts it right out there, doesn’t she?  I bet the congregation at her church has put her on permanent prayer list status, don’t you think?  Sheena took a different tact: possible disfigurement by Sea-Doo.  They even got pulled over by the Coast Guard.  And ol’ Bettina finally managed to get up the courage to tell Brad about her divorce.  She was afraid of how he would take it since Brad “doesn’t believe in divorce.”  Who does “believe in divorce?”  Maybe at Solisa’s church.

Back at the house, Hillary asks the rest of the girls which ones didn’t want her to come back (y’know, by a show of hands).  Of course, the two girls that dared raise their hands and tell her the truth, she calls “Straight up witches.”  What answer did she expect?

And now the Switcharoo!!  Whee!  So the plan is for Chad, the brother, to attend the cocktail party as Brad.  Brad is hoping that Chad can help him out and tell him which of the girls is genuine.  Brad is also hoping that the girls notice that it’s not him in the party.  You know why?  Because the two of them look remarkably different.  Sure, they tried to make them look more alike – their hair is combed the same way, Brad tells his brother little tidbits about the ladies, and of course Chris Harrison dressed them in matching suits and ties, but I don’t think Chad spends nearly as much time in the gym as his brother does, and there are all kinds of differences that you can spot.  But, let’s face it, the ladies in the house are not rocket scientists – they are acupuncutrists and estheticians and Phoenix Suns Dancers, so I could see where you could get away with it.  And on this show, you could put a suit on a monkey and these girls would fight over a rose.

I would like to go on the record that I thouroughly enjoyed the switcharoo twist.  But Chad was on the show for about the last half hour, and in that time, there were a couple of staged conversations that just killed me.  The worst offender had to be the one where they were having a beer, and Brad posed the idea of Chad being him for the cocktail party as if Chad didn’t know what he was there to do…Please!  You showed up at the house dressed in the exact same outfit as your brother!  It just lets you know how stupid ABC must think we are…Stop setting up these conversations and show me more crazy girls!!  That’s why we tune in…Phew.  I feel better.

So the cocktail party was Chad running the gauntlet of ladies who have been placed around the house, I would guess so that the camera crew could tell him the girl’s name before he got there.  The first few didn’t know it was an imposter.  McCarten and Lindsey had no clue.   Sheena was the first one to notice and said that Chad didn’t have the weird patch of hair on his ear…Points for noticing it wasn’t Brad.  Points off for telling me more about Brad’s hair patterns that I ever wanted to know.  Also points off for crying…more damn crying.  Kristy also nailed it right off the bat.  Steffy could tell by the teeth, or she was really drunk…she wasn’t sure.  Sarah had no clue, other than to say that her alone time today was “different.”  Ya think?  Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I saw Jenni the whole cocktail party…why was that?

Anyway, onto the rose ceremony.  The 3 ladies who went home weren’t hard to see coming necessarily.  Sheena, McCarten, Jenni, Jade, DeAnna, and Bettina joined Steffy, Kristy, and Hillary as the proud owners of thorny flowers.  Lindsey, Sarah, and So-Long Solisa hit the road this episode.  Solisa cried, saying that she wears her special parts on the outside and he just didn’t see what he wanted.  Note to Solisa: Your “special parts” aren’t supposed to be on the outside, please put your top back on.

Lindsey tells the camera she wasn’t gonna cry.  And then she walked off camera to cry.  Hmmm.  She then did the rest of the interview from the side, whilst crying.  Next week: one on one showdown between Jade and DeAnna.  Only one can get the rose.  The claws come out, and it promises to be some excellent reality television.  WHEEE!!