I realize that in the ninth season of a reality show, it could become difficult to find ways to keep a show fresh and original. This season, apparently, Tyra decided that she wanted to color this show preachy. So last week, she announced that not only was the show was going “green” to be environmentally friendly, but that she was proclaiming “Cycle 9″ smoke free. Can someone please explain to me why every other stinking show on television has seasons and Tyra gets to have “cycles”? Why does she get her own term? I love this show, but let’s be serious, it ain’t worth coming up with its own language. Ahhh, whatever.
Why do I watch this show? I watch it because girls in a really big group get catty. Now, let’s get a group of girls together and have them compete to be models, where only one will get the contract and they are in a competition of who gets to be the prettiest, and it ain’t like any of these girls are people who have had trouble with looks. Add on top of that there is an aging model, who seems to have good intentions but just can’t let go of being the prettiest girl at the party, and you have the possibility of unintentional comedy every single second of the show. From the ridiculous fashion shoots to the girls making absolute asses of themselves, this show is so entertaining. I don’t watch because it makes me smarter, I watch because it makes me laugh my ass off.
This week, the wannabe models learned a runway walk from “famed runway coach” J. Alexander. Let’s spend a moment on ol’ J. shall we? First, I don’t know that he was famed until this show. I ain’t saying I am a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination, but I do read US and People and any gossip columns I can get my hands on and I don’t ever remember seeing him in any of those. I only remember him from this show. Secondly, J. is a drag queen. He is constantly showing up in women’s clothes, and he is always called “Miss J.” by Tyra and the wannabes. Heh Heh, that sounds like a band that a kid would form on some sitcom like Blossom or Full House. Anyway, Ms. J. also adds to the comedy portion with his training methods and critiques of the girls.
For instance, to teach the girls to walk this week, he put the girls in strait jackets to teach them to walk. With her new political bent, I figured Tyra would object to this because it is insensitive to crazy people. But it did make for good tv, so I can see where she would make an exception. Plus, the straight jacket kept their arms occupied so they couldn’t smoke, so at least there is that.
Post-runway walk, there was the obligatory drama where two of the models argued about the other one not being her competition and ended with Saleisha (yes, that is her name) and Bianca yelling at each other. At the end of it, Bianca called her a “plus size model” (ooohhh, snap!) and then Saleisha, who is all of 21, playing the experience card because Bianca is only 18. I love it. Then both fighters went to their respective corners and talked about how the other one was intimidated. I don’t know which is more sad: that these two girls had this fight, or that I sat here and watched it whilst taking so much pleasure in it and all its ridiculosity (I made that word up, but I like it).
The challenge this evening is a couture runway show, with the winning wannabe to walk in the designer’s show in Paris later this season…Girls get out your claws. The dresses themselves were pretty difficult to look at, much less walk in. Let’s just put it like this: these are not dresses you will see at your neighborhood wedding or your prom. Apparently Colleen Quen’s motto is “The Weirder the better.” That being said, because her “gowns” are expensive, people will buy them and call her a genius. Good for her. As you will learn about me, I am always on the lookout for people who seem to make a lot of money but do very little. But back to the challenge, Saleisha (still her name) won, and Bianca was none too pleased.
Next up? The photo shoot. This week Tyra decided not to take on smoking or any of the other big causes that she can take up on her pedestal courtesy of the CW. Nope, this week the wannabes are to climb a fake rock wall in “high fashion” gowns. You have to appreciate the fact that Tyra does her dead level best not to intrude on the concept of any photo shoot that any magazine would ever ever do. I mean, seriously, do you ever think you’ll be standing at the checkout line at Target and be drawn into buying an issue of Vogue because they promise photos of a supermodel in an evening gown on a rock climbing wall? Because I don’t. I think that this challenge was less about making a picture that would ever be in a magazine and more about putting these poor wannabes in ridiculous looking dresses and makeup and helping Tyra to feel better about herself when she gets to look at these pictures.
Onto the elimination: Of course, Tyra’s picture brought us back from commercial. The concept of the photo looked the same, but she was pictured on a pretty wall, looking lustily into space, while the wannabes were hugged up on a rope while wearing stupid makeup on a wall that looked like what you would find at your neighborhood Dick’s Sporting Goods. To further illustrate my point, Tyra welcomes the wannabes with a horrible French accent. Bless you, Tyra, and your magnificent ego, and your Pied Piper ability to get thousands upon thousands of 18-22 year olds to worship the ground you walk on and soak in every single thing that comes out of your mouth. I love it, I love you, and more importantly, I love that for one hour a week, you come into my life and make me laugh…
Tyra highlights of the elimination included Tyra’s accent, the story about when she was a young model – shipped off to Paris with only 3 photos and she booked 25 gigs (because the point of this show is really to tell us how awesome Tyra is), Tyra showing off the model pretzel (what? oh, just watch the show), and of course Tyra standing in front of the girls and telling us “who is still in the runnng towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.” Also, Tyra is constantly talking about the people “who stand before me.” I have never heard a wordier elimination phrase or more awkwardly worded stuff, but then again, Tyra is so awesome she deserves more words, not less.
As for the rest of my comments as to the panel. Ms. J. wore a mini-afro for a hairdo tonight, which made him look like Janet Jackson in her first tv role on Good Times. And Nigel Barker sitting there looking good. Thank you, Nigel. Your accent only makes you hotter.
This week, Bianca and Kimberly (who?) ended up in the bottom two, with Kimberly going home. Tyra complimented Kimberly’s ears and sent her packing. Bianca stayed because Tyra liked her even though all the other judges hated her pictures. Good for her. As always, it’s Tyra’s world and we all just live in it.
Next week: The you are my barbie dolls and I get to do whatever I want Makeover week. My favorite!!
