Hee!

MARTHA!!

 Not much more I can say here, other than I wish that whole bicycle picture wasn’t in there.  I heart you, you Yankee Michigan Wolverine who kills Professionals on a regular basis…Call ME!

Update on Byron and Mary

So apparently, the fearless fisherman was the one who called the cops on Mary.  I don’t mean to downplay the situation, because clearly any time an enraged 45 year-old woman with a cranky uterus is swinging at you, it’s pretty bad.  But Byron is a pretty stout (albeit close to elderly) guy.  He could have just gone into the house to clean up and let her cool off.  What was the wisdom in calling the cops?  She was still sitting in the stinkin’ car, he didn’t want to press charges, and the only thing that could possibly happen would be that I, and many other (much more popular) bloggers like me, would sit here and report it, laugh about it, etc.

 Rookie mistake, there Byron.  You thought you were too old and out of date that we would not care anymore.  The truth is, WE DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.  Well, we do, I mean, we have jobs.  We just don’t have much we would rather do than to do a “Did you hear about this…” post and laugh at a guy who retires to his condo to call the cops on his fiancee of 17 years.  Seriously, even Roy and Pam weren’t engaged this long.  You should have just cleaned yourself up, let Mary sober up, and then guilt trip her into cleaning all of the fish you catch for years to come.  No two ways about it, you blew this one, buddy.

The Hills: Now it’s just getting Ridiculous- In a Good Way

You know, for a show that I can honestly say that I REALLY look forward to, I don’t write about the episodes of The Hills nearly enough.  Sure, I will pass along what I see as far as the fact that clearly this show is staged, fake, scripted almost, but as far as talking about the reason that everyone cares that it’s fake (because the show itself is AWESOME!), I don’t do that enough.  So here you go.  I enjoyed last night’s episode immensely!

First, how about the “she-pratt” reference.  We don’t get to see Spencer’s sisters (even though he’s referenced them before) for the three seasons we’ve had the pleasure of knowing Spencer, and then Audrina “sees her” at some club, she and Lauren talk about it, and then lo and behold, there is the sister with her roommate threatening Brody to not hang out with LC and for LC to stop hating on ol’ Heidi.  I picture that scene being set up a lot the same way that Daniel Larusso was set up to beat up that guy at the club in Karate Kid III.  You know?  Where the millionaire quit his business to ruin the life of an 18 year-old and he gives that guy $50 to hit on Daniel-san’s fake girlfriend?  You don’t?  Whatever, that movie is a classic.

The beauty of this whole exchange is that we get to see the She-Pratt tell her brother all about it the next day.  And it isn’t the actual description of the events that is great so much as this conversation reveals the following salient details: (1) Spencer and Heidi had their electricity turned off after not paying the electric bill for SIX MONTHS! and that is what killed all the jellyfish (All together now:AWWWW).  I would have thought they died from fear of Spencer’s huge chiclet teeth, and (2) Spencer’s sister is an ordained minister.  No for real, she got it over the internet.  Wow!  Heidi immediately turns a little green as she tries to explain politely why she doesn’t want the she-Pratt to officiate her wedding.  I mean, I can’t make this stuff up…Somebody clearly can, but I couldn’t!

Anyway, let’s spend a moment on Audrina: this tree-hugging, granola-eating, turban-wearing guy that she’s seeing has clearly out-kicked his coverage here.  I don’t know why Audrina likes him.  From all appearances, his best feature is that he can grow facial hair and turn any bedsheet into a hat that he will wear to a club.  He has desserted her in Vegas.  He left her at a beach party (at least he left her helmet for her), and last night he was kissing a girl at the bar in front of Audrina.  So after a minor meltdown in the club, Justin-Bobby gets her outside the club, by a dumpster, and keeps asking her to get in the back of the car…Now, as it turns out, that isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, but geez.  Audrina left Lauren and Brody at the club to jump in this car.  Sure, she tells her “friend at work” that she just left him at his apartment, but I ain’t buying that.

They ended the night with Audrina saying it was over, but I don’t believe that.  Just overall, a fun episode to watch.  You know what would have made it better?  I need some Lo in my life.  That girl is just great.

Trouble in Paradise?!?

I guess after the final rose had some sort of open bar we didn’t hear about.  Either way, one of the two “happy couples” don’t seem so happy anymore, do they?  I guess this solves the mystery we have been wondering about.  Byron has been held hostage all these years by Mary…Every time you think it couldn’t get crazier, you end up hearing something you couldn’t possibly even make up.  Just wow!

The Bachelor Recap: He did WHAT?!?

Okay, so here is your somewhat belated Bachelor post.  As an added bonus and an apology for being so late, I am going to include commentary about the After the Final Rose show.  So here we go.

First, a list of Ways that Watching the Bachelor Finale Can Be Ruined:

1. Include your brother, who has not watched the show much, thinks Brad is a tool, and sits on the couch flipping through an Us magazine the whole time whilst making snide remarks about the way Brad talks.

2. Feel as though your getting gypped because the episode is only 58 minutes long and does not include a shower scene with Brad.

3. Brad proves your brother right at the end of the show giving him five minutes’ worth of “told you so” commentary, which is followed by you wishing Brad hadn’t wasted everyone’s time.

 Chris Harrison quickly recaps this season.  Basically, Brad met 25 women and now there are two left.  I really think Chris Harrison has the easiest job in the world sometimes…but I’ve given Chris a pretty hard time.   So as we tune into see who is going home crying, I will try to keep the Chris jokes to a minimum if possible. Plus, I would hate to take out my bitterness toward Brad on Chris.  That’s like having a bad game of Guitar Hero and taking it out on your secretary at work.  It’s just uncool (the taking it out on your secretary, not Guitar Hero because it’s completely cool).

No shower scene this episode, but we do get a scene of Brad looking out over his deck pondering his future.  That’s when his two brothers and mom show up.  I think we should pause for a moment of silence in honor of the Brother who isn’t Chad.  He’s got two siblings who are chiseled, well-built, well-dressed millionaires, and he looks like the lead singer from Smashmouth.  That is him in the front of that picture.

Brad describes DeAnna as an independent woman.  Do you think that Brad takes all of his descriptions of these women from Destiny’s Child songs?  I, for one think Beyonce is a genius, but I would hope the guy in my life would come up with something on his own…Anyway, Chad makes lame joke that he is Brad, Mom tells DeAnna that she is just gonna call her DD because she can’t remember her name, or some such.  From what I could tell, the family time consisted of a champagne lunch, a stroll with Mama, and ended with Brad and his brothers jumping fully clothed into the pool.  During the Mama chat, DD tells Mama that she is falling in love with her son.  While DD is telling Mama that she is so in love, Brad is back at the pool with his brothers telling them how confused he is.  Hindsight is 20/20 and all but this should have raised the red flag.  All in all, it looked like the whole thing took about 20 minutes.  In fact, it probably took me longer to type this than their date did.  Brad tells DD that his family loved her “of course.” 

“Of course” and “at all” are Brad’s fall back phrases.  Throughout the seasons of the Bachelor, there have always been words and phrases  that are overused.  “Amazing,” “connection,” “most dramatic rose ceremony ever” to name a few, but Brad’s “of course” and “at all” usage is off the charts.  I don’t know why it bugs me, but I suspect it has something to do with Brad wasting my time for months now.  Blech.

Date #2 is Jenni.  Jenni is all happy and cheerleader-y.  And the producer gives Smashmouth the sign so he can ask, “When do we get to meet this Jenni?” and the knock on the door would happen at that exact moment.  All of the Womacks have a nice, hearty laugh and it looked like the final scene on an episode of the Brady Bunch or something (nope, not bitter “at all”).  Brad hugs her and then proceeds to his constant fixing of hair before introducing her to his family.  Mama asks the awkward question of whether Jenni has told her son she loves him yet, to which Jenni says no and then starts into her machine gun laugh that she does when she’s nervous, or happy, or really just breathing.  It was then that Mama takes Jenni on the walk and gets down to business.  Mama says if Jenni marries Brad she will be marrying his family and that she’d tell Brad yes if he proposed.  Something like, “Yes, I love you, let’s go now!” Insert machine gun laugh here.  I am pretty sure the vases on the table were rattling.  The whimsical brothers had found a football by the time they got back out there, and Jenni shows off her catching ability.  I guess they were out of dry clothes for them to repeat the pool scene they had with DD.

Brad and Mama then go on a walk in which Brad tells Mama how confused he is, and how when he is with DD he thinks of Jenni and vice versa.  Red Flag #2.  Brad is worried that he is gonna break two hearts (of course, we know now that he will, but it isn’t his and the woman he doesn’t choose, it’s both of the girls).  Boooooo, Brad.

Onto the last one-on-one dates, where the women get to cook for their man.  Usually, this is done at the Bachelor pad, but this year ABC decided to use some sort of Model Apartments type setting.  Seriously, the outside of the building looked like the one they use on “Blind Date” when they get all sauced and end up at some random hot tub.  That’s what the building reminded me of, and if it’s too obscure a reference, just move on…

DD has made lasagna and is lighting candles and says that she wants to end up with a guy who she can eat dinner with.  Umm, okay.  Dinner was spent with DD smiling sweetly and telling Brad she loves him.  Brad complimented her cooking and telling her that she’s everything he’s ever looked for in a wife and mother.  DD says that where the dishes go is very important to her…I know, it seemed pretty random to me too.  On the couch in the model apartment, DD continued to pour out her heart and blink a lot.  The whole time Brad looked kinda nauseous.  Red Flag #3.

Back to the Blind Date house for his one-on-one with Jenni.  Jenni has made some sort dish that requires chop sticks.  I think she must have poked herself in the eye with one of them too, because she cried – A LOT!  Jenni broke down at the dinner table and then Brad comforted her and told her not to be sorry – at all, at all.  Don’t be sorry at all.  I am telling you he uses that phrase all the time.  For every one of Jenni’s tears, Brad said “at all.”  I am not even kidding.  Jenni then just decided it was time to say everything she’s ever had in her head about Brad.  At one point she even pulled out her diary and read it to him.  “Dear diary- today I met Brad and he is super-cute.  I love him.  I love everything about him.  I will love you forever, even if you choose the other girl.  If you take a chance on me (Think Andy Bernard!) I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.”  Oh, sweetie…I don’t think there has ever been more snot on a final date.  Brad reassured her that the crying was fine and then excused himself to see if the ABC staff had stocked the model apartment with some Pepto.  Seriously, during both of the last two one-on-one dates, he looked like he was fixing to vomit.

And with only a 58-minute show, they wasted five minutes of it with Brad buying an engagement ring…a ring he is probably auctioning on eBay right now.  Brad then put on his khaki suit and headed on over to the state park in front of the ocean where they set up a pedestal for him to stand on.  Every year, it’s this moment that you wait for.  Who is gonna get out of the first limo, because that is the girl who is gonna get kicked to the curb…Of course this year is different, but the first time through I didn’t know that.  Aaaaaaand Jenni gets out.  Chris Harrison greets her and then escorts her to the steps where he leaves.  I am thinking that Chris Harrison must have a pretty good idea what an executioner feels like.  Jenni is all nerves and smiley-faced.  And I felt so bad for her right then.  Brad tells her how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, and thanks for the free haircut, but he needs more and he can’t get it from Jenni.  Goodbye, Jenni. 

I thought Jenni took it pretty well.  She tells him that she feels embarrassed about telling him how she felt. Brad tells her not to be embarrassed “at all” (AARGH!).  Then they hug and he walks her to the limo.  Jenni wishes him happiness and then gets in the car.  Good for her.  Then she cries in the limo.  I hope they at least give her a xanax.

Next up, DD’s turn.  The first time I watched this, I felt like DD was getting the rose but no ring.  Brad just seemed too confused.  I did NOT expect him to break up with her too.  That means this dude has broken up with 25 people in like four weeks.  That is probably some sort of record, don’t you think?

Anyway, DD absolutely was must-see television during the breakup.  He starts off telling her all the things he loved about her and how perfect she was.  And then he did the cruelest thing he does which is to tell her prior to breaking up with her that he had just said goodbye to Jenni.  As he saw the relieved smile come over her face, he had a mini-anxiety attack where he stepped down off the pedestal and tugged at his tie while she stood up there ALONE and putting on her bitch face (which is a GREAT bitch face, by the way).  I thought she was gonna stab him in the neck with her eyeliner pencil or something.  By the time he got back up on the pedestal to finish his thought, DD had gone from sweet and relieved to dark and bitchy.  Where Jenni was all huggy and crying, DD was not about to hug this guy.  She asked if she was just a friend and Brad says “Not at all.”  Of course he did.  Brad: I hope you know that I care about you. DD: No, I don’t.  I thought I did but I don’t.

Then she told him that it was breakups like this why she didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve.  Really, DD? Breakups like this one?  As in, every time a guy I really love invites me to a State park to stand on a pedestal and then tells me I can’t have that rose that’s sitting right there, it just hurts me so much?  Because that seems odd to me.  I don’t know, it just does.  Maybe that happens in Georgia a lot…I don’t know.

But DD bucks up, tells him he’ll regret his decision and then she and her gold dress that made her butt look huge got back in the car and went back to the Blind Date house.  What a downer.  Usually, no matter how bad you feel for the first girl who leaves, you at least get the happy ending.  The twirling around and the kissing and “I love you too.”  This time the last segment of the show was the second girl crying in the limo, Brad sitting alone staring at an engagement ring while sitting in the State Park.  He looked pathetic, but it was pretty hard to feel sorry for the guy…Nope, I felt sorry for DD who we see carrying her shoes down the hall in silence as she shuts herself back into the model apartment.

Fast Forward to After the Final Rose:

If I had been Brad, I would have sent Chad out there instead.  In an effort to help us feel like this show is not a complete waste of time, Trista and Ryan (along with their baby Max) as well as Byron and Mary (who are still together but have been engaged longer now than Pam and Roy were on The Office).  But it’s like ABC wants us to know “See? It’s not a waste of time, I promise…these things do work out like 8% of the time.”  Mary says that they’re getting married in November.  But this show aired on November 20th so I guess she means November of 2008?  I don’t know, but since Mary was the famous “my eggs are rotting” girl she better get cracking.

I’m not gonna recap the whole show.  It was pretty predictable.  The girls were pissed.  Brad admitted he has some commitment issues, but confirmed that he isn’t gay.  DD (who wore a garbage bag to the show) even told him that since he isn’t with anyone still, she would have taken him back…I didn’t see that coming but Brad stuck to his guns. That boy is not going to be tied down.  Hmmm.

I would love to end this by swearing off the Bachelor forever, but that would just be a lie.  I’ll watch again this spring.  It’s an addiction, I guess.  I could have worse problems.

The Bachelor: Coming I promise…Happy Thanksgiving

What up again kids?  I just wanted to update this blog, though maybe not totally in the full-on way you would like.  I promise that I am going to update with a The Bachelor recap.  I just wanted to wait until I could spice it up with the After the Final Rose details because last night was both a doozy and unexpected.  That being said, I just want to say ROCK F-IN CHALK because holy poop have our guys been amazing!  Here is to hoping that Mizzou (I hate them) doesn’t ruin it this weekend.

Also, Thanksgiving is my favorite day of the year (if you don’t include April Fool’s, of course) and I am thankful for a lot of people and the blessings of my life.  I don’t say that enough because I am constantly complaining (which is funnier for you probably) but it doesn’t mean I don’t recognize the people in my life who are amazing or the fact that I generally have it pretty good.  I will probably do an entire post on this over the weekend but I wanted it out there tonight.

So if you don’t check with me here between now and then: I am thankful for you and eat so much that you can’t even think about food again (then do like me and take home a plate of left-overs, because you’ll hate yourself later if you don’t).  And on Saturday nite? Fix yourself a big fat turkey sandwich (with a moist-maker) and cheer for the Jayhawks against Mizzou like you would cheer for Rocky against Ivan Drago because it really is like cheering for good vs. evil.

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

Random Wednesday Post for you…

Because I have no ideas and the week is slow, I am posting the answers to this survey that I got…Enjoy. 

Four First Names of Crushes I Had
1. Jeff (he had a mullet with a rat tail, and I thought he was the best looking thing in all of Tennessee.  The sad part? He probably was.)
2. Justin – lived up the street and had feathery bangs and a sweet jumpshot…
3. Samuel – better jumpshot than Justin and my first-ever boyfriend…I am pretty sure we got married on the playground.
4. Matt – had a bowl cut and a sweet smile.  Second boyfriend.
Four Pieces of Clothing I Wish I Still Owned
1. My Star Wars Underoos from when I was about four.  They were sweet!
2. My hooded Alabama Sweatshirt that zipped up the front.  I can’t find one I like better.
3. The very first pair of jeans I ever bought from American Eagle. Unfortunately, the ass completely wore out, so I guess those jeans circa the time I bought them.
4. The HyperColor t-shirt that I saved up my own allowance for in about 1988.  I loved that shirt.  Your friends put their hands on it and they showed up, etc.  I miss the ’80s.

Four Professions I Secretly Want to Try
1. Teacher
2. Professional Athlete
3. Rock Star (I am amazing at Guitar Hero!)
4. Casting Agent

Four Musicians I’d Most Want to Go On a Date With
1. John Mayer – HAWT now that he lost his weight especially
2. Dave Matthews
3. Ryan Adams
4. Damien Rice – I don’t know what he looks like, but he writes beautiful songs, and he would have that Irish accent…Yummy!

Four Foods I’d Rather Throw Than Eat
1. Asparagus
2. Watermelon
3. Sloppy Joes (because it would be such a “sloppy” mess)
4. Any kind of pie – at my family members because it would be fun and unexpected from me…
Four Things I Like to Sniff
1. New car
2. Money.
3. Clean Sheets
4. Matt Damon

So there ya go.  A little more about the wonder that is me…I promise I will try to update soon…Hopefully, with a new Office quoteability (I know I owe y’all like three of them).  Later.

The Writers’ Strike – Emma Brand’s Take

Welcome back to the blog.  After a long day at work, I look forward to sitting my butt on the couch, and watching some amazing television.  I know that I write a lot about reality shows, hell, I watch a ton of reality shows.  The truth is, though, I watch a lot of television period.  Probably too much, I will grant that premise.

But this week, instead of surfing the internet and downloading shows I love, or getting news about how much more fake the Hills really is.  Seriously, apparently Lauren and Heidi are secret friends? I have also spent a fair amount of time trying to understand why the writers that write my favorite shows have walked out…

Here is how it boils down:  Basically, the production companies and the networks give no residual payments (zero) for any  of the downloads or online streaming of the shows or movies.  What are residuals?  Well, they are payments based on percentage for every time that shows are re-run or bought on DVD.  The percentage given to writers are pretty low.  For instance, apparently every time you buy a DVD for $19.99, the writer gets a whoppin four cents.  You read that correctly.  I will grant you that this adds up, but let’s face it, it ain’t much.  However, the term “residual” and what rates are paid for what happens with the show or the movie script that the writers have penned themselves don’t apply to a lot of how we are all now receiving our television.  Now, the writers are paid for re-runs that show up on late night television and the small percentage of DVD sales.  That hasn’t always been the case.  Writers used to get absolutely nothing for anytime their show was put into syndication.  The best example I have seen was related to I Love Lucy.  That show has been on television for fifty straight years – it has entertained the viewing audience (some more than others) for that long.  The only thing those writers were paid was for their original script – and that’s it.

The change in how television is viewed is clear.  In the last 3-5 years, networks have been streaming full episodes of their shows for free online.  Also, services like Apple’s Itunes and Amazon’s Unbox, and most recently NBC’s Hulu have begun to sell those same episodes for download.  When you watch the episode for free online, there are often several 30 second commercial breaks.  Even though you watch for free, the network gets ad revenue from you watching (most likely based on the number of views).  When you pay $1.99 for an episode of Lost on iTunes, ABC turns a profit.  The writers, as of their current contract, receive NOTHING from any of that.  The networks are calling these electronic views “promotions.”  I think we all know that doesn’t pass “the smell test.”  It smells pretty bad, in fact.  So the writers’ contract is up, and the networks don’t want to give the writers squat.  And so now they strike.

Actors are joining them on the picket line even though they are members of the Screen Actors’ Guild, because their contract is up in June of next year, and they will also want similar residuals.  It will make a difference.  Think about a writer who writes a brilliant movie and sells a script to a studio.  They may write 10 more before a studio buys another one.  They may need those residuals from DVD sales or online downloads to bring in small checks to get them by until their next project is frutiful.  As of now, they would be getting four stinkin’ cents per DVD and not a dime off of the downloads.

It boils down to this: Disney’s doing fine.  Viacom is okay.  It’s the people that actually entertain us each week, with their imagination and humor and creativity that need a few extra dollars to insure they have time to write or act or produce these shows and movies instead of having to pay the bills by digging ditches or waiting tables.  They’re asking for a fair share.  And I think they deserve it.  So in the next month or so, when CBS has to air Ultimate Fighting Specials instead of the new CSI season, or ABC is showing you re-runs of Disney classics instead of the new season of Lost, I will probably cry a little, watch more of my Netflix queue than usual, or even (gasp!) read that growing pile of books on my shelf.  But I will support the writers…They deserve their fair share for their work and their gifts.

Here are some more links for your education…

•  The Los Angeles Times is keeping up with the latest news from the picket lines.

• Here is the take by The Office writers.  You will recognize many of them because they are also actors.

Anyway, that’s all I got.  Long live these strikes.  This thing is affecting so many of the people like the crews and the production people and the actors too.  In a couple of weeks, more people will be laid off because they are “expendable.”

In the next few weeks, a lot more shows will be going to re-runs instead of original episodes, and all of the late night talk shows as well as my favorites like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report have already gone dark.  I just hope the networks and production companies will come to the bargaining table and do the right thing…Until then, I am sad, but I get it.

The Bachelor Recap: The Forego Card

Nothing can make this blogger’s heart sing like these three words: Exotic Overnight Dates.  If you missed last week, “the sexiest bachelor ever” sent Sheena home and kept Bettina, Jenni, and DeAnna in the running for whose breakup gets to be covered by OK! Magazine.  Again, as I said last week, I think that this is a two woman race between DeAnna and Jenni, and Brad wanted the satisfaction of knowing that Bettina’s overly judgmental father was choking on his sauvignon blanc when that bar-owner shut the door to the fantasy suite with nothing but his daughter and a 6-pack of Trojans behind it.

Of course, as soon as I got excited about it, I noticed that we were given only 45 minutes to enjoy the episode because of that new Samantha Who? show that ABC has decided we should all like.  Not biting, ABC!  Give me my full hour at least.  I am pretty sure that this lack of time is why we didn’t get a shower scene this week. We also got no Chris Harrison (WHAT??!) I know, he just did the voice over.  Anyway, to Cabo San Lucas we go…

 First Date: Jenni to Swim with the Dolphins

Brad starts out by saying he was excited to spend the entire day and ENTIRE NIGHT with Jenni.  And thus begins both Jenni and Brad each saying that the whole day was foreplay before they “do it” that night without actually saying it.  Of the three, Jenni definitely got the coolest date.  You should also remember that the only successful couple in this show’s history, Trista and Ryan, got to go swimming with the dolphins…and they just became parents.  I am just saying.  Favorite quote of this date has to be from Jenni, who explained that what she loved was that “It was just so personal, I mean, it was just me and Brad.”  Now, I am gonna give Jenni the benefit of the doubt and say that her quote was shortened up and it used to say, “It was just me and Brad.  And the dolphins.  And the dolphin trainers.  And the camera crew.”  But somehow I doubt that’s the case.  I think it says something when you think your date is private and there are actually 600 other people present.  Could it be love?  Let’s see.

Post – dolphin glass of wine included the conversation about what Jenni really wanted to happen between the two of them, and she said that she was hard-put to really say how she was feeling.  It gave Brad doubt. (Okay, sure.)  Retire to the romantical dinner for two.

Quick aside: This is always the dinner where the Bachelor(ette) always has to pull what I call the “forego” card, which is where the two of them are given the option of staying at the same room by the airport motel they’ve been staying in by themselves, or they can hit up the penthouse suite.  Every time the card is worded the same – Dear (insert couple’s name):  I hope that you are enjoying your stay at (insert descriptive adjective and place where they are).  Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in our exotic fantasy suite.  Love, Chris – and every time except for the rarest of circumstances does the couple choose the Radisson by the Southwest Ticket Counter.  The true humor lies in the fact that every single person who has ever been on this show after the first season knows that card is coming, but for some unfathomable reason always tries to act surprised when the card makes its appearance.  Please.  You know it’s coming, you know you’re gonna hit up the suite, so please don’t treat the viewing public as mouth-breathing idiots who don’t know what’s fixing to happen…

Okay.  Sorry.  Cue romantical date for two for Jenni and Brad.  Brad continues the wink-wink interviewing by saying there’s nothing he would like more than to continue his date with Jenni to the room to “get to know her in that way.”    Jenni tells Brad that it’s hard for her to tell him how she feels, but “it’s much easier for me to show it.”  Hee.  And then Jenni made Bachelor History.  No, really.  She didn’t play the game where she acts like she doesn’t know what’s coming.  And after promising the Bachelor she’ll show him how she feels, Jenni straight up asks for the Forego card.  Didn’t wait for him to present it over dinner or folded into a dinner roll, or through some sort of magic trick.  She simply said that she knew he had it on him and to give it.  Thank you, Jenni.  In the words of the immortal Bette Middler, “Did you ever know that you’re my hero?”  Amazing.  And they cut to Jenni explaining the birds and the bees of hooking up.  I won’t bore you with the details but the speech starts with, “When a man and a woman are very attracted to one another…”  Yeah.  So they make out and then Brad shuts the door.  What?  This isn’t Skinemax, people. 

Date Two: Bettina for a Day on the High Seas

Brad tells Bettina that this is no ordinary boat, it was used in the America’s Cup Race.  That’s when Bettina’s hamster wheel in her head started turning and she was trying to figure out what exactly the America’s Cup Race is.  They even got to open up the main sail.  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of champagne.  Bettina talks about how attracted she is to Brad, and you can almost see her dad taking his heart pill and calling the ex-husband to offer him money to come back.  Meanwhile, Bettina and Brad are walking hand in hand on Lover’s Beach while Bettina continues to profess her attraction.  Still no on-camera kissing…which should be a red flag.

Romantic dinner for two: Bettina says that her family only judged Brad because they thought he didn’t like her as much as Bettina liked him…Well, they should have just sent Brad a note after appetizers asking him to check “Yes” or “No.”  It’s simple, really.  Brad tries to make Bettina say that she wouldn’t leave her hometown to move to Austin and hang out at his bars for a living.  She doesn’t give him the easy way out and says she absolutely would. 

Not following the example set by Jenni, Bettina acted surprised at the Forego card.  She says yes and they go get in the hot tub…Brad exacts the revenge he wants as there is a make-out scene in the hot tub complete with several cut-away shots and the Do Not Disturb sign on the door.  Lesson for future fathers on this show: If your daughter reaches the final four, don’t piss him off, or you will be facing the business end of a revenge hook-up.

Date Three: DeAnna for some dunebuggy racing.

Here would be my thoughts if I was DeAnna – So Jenni swims with the dolphins, and Bettina takes a boat trip that ends on Lover’s Beach.  They both get to spend the majority of their dates with you having your shirt off and lookin’ all sexy.  Then my date is going to be us taking separate cars around a sand track where you not only wear your shirt, but you also sport some goggles?  No thank you.  But give that Southern girl some credit.  She took it like a champ and even kicked Brad’s ass on the dune buggy.  Good for her.

And they did get 10 seconds of beach time that was filmed…DeAnna tries to explain how normal couples do spend the nite together, wake up together, etc. and she was looking forward to that with Brad.  Southern Baptists everywhere just put DeAnna on their prayer lists.  At dinner, DeAnna drops the “I’m falling in love with you” card.  Wow.  Brad made out with her and then told her she was perfect.  Cue the forego card.  DeAnna didn’t act surprised like Bettina but still read the note aloud before accepting.

This fantasy suite included a swimming pool.  Brad interviewed about DeAnna using the words like touching, and soulmate, and love…Red flag.  They would edit that out if it was really DeAnna who won.  However, they’ve also showed Jenni as the front runner from day one, which has never won.  I just am stumped.  Dammit, ABC Editors!

Anyway, you know what happens next.  Bettina hits the road, in a blue ’80s prom dress, and the showdown is set between Jenni, the Phoenix Suns Dancer, and DeAnna the Southern Belle who tells it like it is.  The only thing worthy of more commentary is that I hope that whichever of the two of them he picks tells him that the Don Johnson on Miami Vice suit has GOT TO GO!! Seriously, Brad, you are better than that.

Next week- Women Tell All…How will Hillary explain her meltdown?  Will Sheena cry some more?  Whee!

From Magical, to Staged, to Just Downright Sad

I have posted extensively (okay thrice) about how The Hills, your favorite show and mine, is probably somewhat staged, if not all the way fake.  And then this story comes down the pipe that has left me scratching my head.  I may be a little late on this one, but with actual work to do, college football yesterday, etc. I wasn’t surfing the internet aimlessly for something to catch my interest.  But if I had been, I would have seen this little gem on E!  Heidi and Spencer are casting for their wedding?!? Seriously?  They are even casting the part of Heidi’s maid of honor.  In the immortal words of Elodie, “It’s just so sad.”

I think it’s clear that ol’ Heidi and Spencer have had a fall from grace.  Spencer is a douche, Heidi took his side over Lauren’s, and so it is understandable that they have less friends now than they used to.  I get all of that.  But when you don’t even have one, single person to stand up with you?  That is pretty bad.  I have been in more weddings than I would like to remember, which is a thankless job even if it is “an honor” but I have always been under the impression that you just have to say yes when someone asks you to do it.  I mean, for real, does Heidi not even have a sister?

It seems like things are rolling downhill in a bad way for Heidi.  I mean, when you lose your bestfriend, your co-workers’ trust, and then you move in with a guy who decorated your apartment with graffiti and a jellyfish tank, then you know your life is going in the wrong direction- especially when said guy looks like the love child of Beavis and Dracula.

It’s just so sad.  I mean, three years ago, you were in school, starring with your “best friend” on a new reality show about “making it” in LA.  Now you’re a fashion school dropout, you got no friends, and you’re living with that guy above, which has turned you into someone so unpopular that you are having to pay an actress to be your maid of honor.  It’s not too late to turn it around Heidi.  Call me and ask me.  I ain’t rude enough to say no to you…